The Daily Friday: Friday 5/2

1. Thunderbolts premieres this weekend, and is already getting solid reviews out of the gate. Might actually have a good Marvel movie for once. PS - I can’t believe Julia Louis-Dreyfus was lucky enough to get a pic with the Rizzler.

2. OpenAI CEO Sam Altman launches company that will scan your irises to determine if you’re a real person and not a robot. Selling us the poison AND the medicine. Gotta respect it. The tobacco industry playbook.

3. Kohl’s fires CEO for shady deals, after he sent funneled millions of deal dollars to Bed Bath and Beyond CEO, who happened to be his fuck-buddy. Had no idea the retail homeware industry was so sexy. Might need to apply to Sears.

4. NBA and NHL playoffs getting spicy, as Jalen Brunson is officially a Golden God, the Clips stay alive for all of LA, the Leafs bury their demons and we are up for a BIG Game 7 in Dallas between the Stars and the Avalanche. LFG.

5. Mike Walz fired from post as National Security Advisor along with deputy Alex Wong and several other staffers. Wow, you really can’t accidentally include a reporter in a group chat about bombing Houthis anymore, can you?

It’s shaping up to be an absolutely incredible weekend ahead. Early Cinco de Mayo celebrations, Kentucky Derby Saturday, and 48 hours of free time to play the Almost Friday card game. What else do you need in life?

KENTUCKY DERBY PRIMER

It’s the first Saturday in May, which means one thing: it’s Derby Day.

It’s time to get off a sick fit, text your short king friends “pumped to see your kind getting representation today; jockeys are the real heroes of horse-racing,” drink some mint juleps, and if you’re Wes Welker, do a ton of molly in public.

Here’s what you need to know to sound smart at your Derby parties this weekend.

• Bob Baffert, the legendary horse trainer with 6 Derby wins and one remarkable head of hair, is back after a 3 year suspension (his horse Medina Spirit won the 2021 Derby but failed a drug test after.) Let’s get some clean piss for his horses Citizen Bull and Rodriguez this year #bringbacksteroids.

• Country legend Toby Keith, who passed away last February, will fulfill a lifelong dream: his horse Render Judgment (sounds like a sick HBO mini-series about a rogue cop) will be racing. If you’re not placing a little action on the horse of a dead country star, you just don’t get how gambling works.

• This could be the year of the Japanese horse, as Luxor Cafe (son of American Pharoah) and Admire Daytona aim to become the first horses raised in Japan to win the Derby. When is it going to be the year of the Hobby Horse? We’ve waited long enough.

• As always there as some incredible horse names. Here’s my favorites.

  • Journalism, 3-1: Journalism isn’t really a name? It’s a career field. It should be called Journalist. That’s like naming a horse Medical Sales. Just call it Ketamine Dealer.

  • Publisher, 31-1: This guy gets how naming works. Really noticing a theme in names this year. Massive boom for the print industry.

  • Tiztastic, 20-1: Imagine spending tens of millions of dollars on an animal and naming it Tiztastic. I wanna be rich so badly.

  • Coal Battle, 30-1: Finally. Some modern representation for the armed labor wars fought in Appalachia in the 1890s-1930s. I can die a happy man.

  • Owen Almighty, 50-1: I’d like to believe this horse exist in the same universe as Bruce Almighty (perfect film, Jennifer Aniston’s peak) and Evan Almighty (a movie that was definitely a movie.)

If you’re looking for betting info on all things derby, give this video a watch from Dr. Locks and Glue Guy (also the name of the fella who handles horses that can’t cut it in the racing game.)

DOC’S LOCKS

The baseball season is rounding in form and it’s time to introduce a new weekly tradition: 6 legger Fridays. Here’s who the good doctor Dr. Locks is hammering tonight.

6 LEG FRIDAYS: +1172 (Blues, Warriors, Astros, Tigers, Yankees, Giants ML)

HERE’S THE SCRIPT:

Blues beat the piss out of the Jets to force Game 7.

Warriors close out the Rockets. Draymond triple double.

Skubal proves he’s the best pitcher in baseball, leads the Tigers over the Angels.

Astros dogwalk the dogshit White Sox

Yankees over Rays. All rise.

Giants take care of business against the Rockies. As is written.

Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER (Available in the US) Call 1-800-327-5050 (MA)

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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Shoutout to the guinea pig Randy who broke into a female enclosure and impregnated all 100 females. Dude really has no type. Raising 400 kids is expensive, but there’s a high chance one of them is a Rizzler level celeb. Could fund the whole operation.

Neighbors are demanding answers after ‘rampant masturbation’ takes over a Seattle park. Here’s the answer: masturbating is awesome. Doing it in a beautiful, public setting is even better. It’s called connecting with nature, look it up.

If anyone has like 10 hours of free time, kneepads and wants to make $800k, head over to North Texas where an over-turned truck spilled 8 million dimes onto the freeway.

If you’d like to see a video of a Delco woman shitting on someone’s car in a fit of road rage, then by all means click this link. Not sure what’s more stunning: the fact that she actually did this or just how liquid that shit was. Have a banana or something, lady.

I SURVIVED MEETING MY GIRLFRIEND’S FRIENDS

Dean Chateau has just entered my pantheon of greatest Liam characters of all time. Incredible watch here boys. Catch up on all things AFTV here. 

DRINKING FRIDAY BEERS ON A FRIDAY: PHILLY

I think the people of Philadelphia all need a beer after that woman shit on a car in their neighborhood. Have yourself a Friday Beer. On us.

Weather Report: Mid 80s - Mid 70s.

Friday Afternoon Game-Plan: Couple lunch beers turns into never going back to the office and a sneaky little bender. And why the hell not? It’s a gorgeous day, you only live once and responsibilities can wait until next week. Tie one off.

What Bar to Hit: The Station. Huge whiskey and tequila selection. Two (!) fully stocked bars. Pool tables as far as the eye can see. Friday Beers on tap. It’s time for one of those Fridays that you read about. Let’s have one.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• HUGE IF TRUE: Scientists in Russia know what happens when you die.

• Read this on your lunch break: How a Harry Potter Fan-Fic Group Shaped the Modern World (Actually.)

• BREAKING: Italian brain-rot has hit the algorithm. Just in time for Conclave.

• In honor of the last episode of Righteous Gemstones ever coming this Sunday, enjoy the oral history of Danny McBride. The King of the Fools.

• This one was news to me: teens are using Google Maps to meet up and chat in the comments and reviews of locations. Good for you, teens.

• Missing Severance? This might scratch your itch.

• It’s Friday. Fuck it. Mike Breen Bang call highlights, courtesy of Glue Guy.