The Daily Friday: Friday 5/23

1. The US Treasury will stop minting pennies, with no new coins being put in circulation starting in 2026. These suckers are about to become more valuable than Beanie Babies and original Four Loko. Hang onto them while you can.

2. OpenAI hires Jon Ivey, former Apple designer who made the iPhone, Macbook and more, with the goal of building 100 million AI “companions.” Fellas, the future we were promised is almost here. Soon we will be free.

3. Live action Lilo and Stitch and Mission Impossible compete in the box office this weekend. Hoping that MI pulls out an early lead so Tommy C can start gearing up for Father’s Day.

4. OnlyFans owner in talks to sell site at $8 billion valuation. Not a numbers guy, but feels low. Especially when you got guys like this as customers.

5. Kid Cudi testifies at the Diddy trial, says his Porsche was torched, house broken into, and his dog attacked by Combs, calls him a ‘Marvel supervillain.’ Good lord. PS - anyone got a hookup on the Obama pills? Tryna get lit tonight.

It’s finally summer. If you’re commencing suck-down at the Jersey Shore, then make sure it’s a Friday Beer (find yours here.) And if you’re in Belmar on Saturday, you’re either drinking 12 dozen beers with DJ Press Play at D’Jai’s or you’re drinking drinking 12 dozen beers against us. Choice is yours. Time to tie one off.

THE WIENIE 500

This weekend marks the Indy 500, a race gathering that will host 350k fans (1/1,000 of the US population and roughly the population of New Orleans!!) and for the first time in history, a race between 6 Oscar Meyer Weinermobiles. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• Today at 2 pm during the annual Carb Day festivities (love that that’s a thing,) all six of the Weinermobiles will race, each representing a regional hot dog cuisine: Chicago (yum,) New York (stinky but good,) Slaw Dog (underrated,) Sonoran (???), Chili (elite) and Seattle (cream cheese?? GTFO.) No love for the Jersey Dog? Make it make sense.

• Each driver will get custom suits, which immediately become the hardest fit of all time. The winning driver will get $1,000 and sprayed on the podium, not by the traditional champagne but by hot dog condiments. Love that. I already reek of mustard, relish and onions on a day to day basis. Might as well bank a quick G for my troubles.

• One massive concern: will the Wienermobile tip over, like the great Wienermobile Crash of 2024?? Imagine the tragedy. I’m praying that there’s not a massive crash: these suckers can go up to 110 MPH and are the ONLY six vehicles in existence right now. They really should have picked 5 and had a designated survivor. We can’t have the lineage end.

DOC’S LOCKS

It’s peak sports season and it’s time to continue a new weekly tradition: 6 legger Fridays. Here’s who the good doctor Dr. Locks is hammering tonight. Hit the once and bankroll your entire weekend.

6 LEG FRIDAYS: +1515 (Knicks ML, Rangers ML, Phillies ML, Red Sox ML (Game 2), D-Backs ML, and Twins ML)

HERE’S THE SCRIPT:

• Knicks demolish the Pacers. Haliburton is so humiliated he never plays again.

• Mahle throws a gem, Rangers roll over the White Sox.

• Bryce Harper continues his hot streak post-haircut, jacks a HR. Phils win.

• Red Sox bats come alive in the second game of the doubleheader. O’s crash out.

• Diamondbacks hang it on the Cards in St. Louis.

• Twins hang on in a pitchers duel, scrape by the Royals.

Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER (Available in the US) Call 1-800-327-5050 (MA)

*21+ only. Please Gamble Responsibly. Call 1-800-NEXT-STEP (AZ). First Bet Offer for new customers only. Subject to eligibility requirements. Bonus bets are non-withdrawable. See BetMGM.com for Terms. US Promotional offers not available in Ontario and Puerto Rico

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Very interesting clip of Heidi Klum on ‘Hot Ones.’ Not sure the context, but I’m assuming the host just finished 2 personal pitchers and pissed his pants standing up? In my experience that’s the only way to get that kind of reaction from a woman.

Norwegian movie “Sentimental Value” gets 19 minute standing ovation at Cannes. I’m sorry what?? Sounds incredibly boring and hard on the legs. The only thing that should ever last longer than 19 minutes is an episode of Family Guy or a shit at work.

Pregnant anchor goes into labor while delivering the news, powers through and finishes broadcast. This just confirms what I’ve always known: childbirth is incredibly easy and painless. Imagine trying to deliver the news after getting kicked in the balls?

“Calling your buddy to say goodnight” is easily my favorite trend ever. Finally, I can rest easy instead of worrying if my boy’s sleeping tight and/or letting the bed bugs bite.

WHO SHOULD CALL THE UBER?

Another banger has graced the timeline. It’s about time Cruk Fumpus gets his recognition as the greatest producer of our generation.

Make sure you are clearing your not-that-busy schedules on July 19th, when the AFTV squad will be taking the stage in San Diego. Grab your tickets now.

FRIDAY FUNNIES

The New Yorker just got put on watch. Editor Caleb has taken time from his busy day of editing Friday Beers text-tracking video like these to re-invent cartooning. Your move, newspapers. New one coming every Friday (probably.)

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• It’s Memorial Day Weekend. Take 20% off everything site-wide.

• Read this on your lunch break: The man who wrote ‘Take on Me’ does not give a fuck.

• There’s aura and then there’s this alpha dog entering the kennel and everyone immediately submitting to him. Real life Call of the Wild.

• Being a professional card counter at a casino is not as cool as it sounds. I feel incredibly betrayed by the movie 21. Hollywood is all lies 😔

• Kermit the Frog delivered the commencement speech at the University of Maryland and unsurprisingly, he absolutely crushed. Low-key changed my life.

• Incredibly captivated by this video of 44 heroes vs. 1 elephant competing to pull a plane the fastest. Let’s take that energy into the weekend, shall we lads?

Want to ask us questions for our monthly mailbags? Hammer this link and all your problems in life will be solved forever. Catch up on previous mailbags while you wait.