Spurs beat the piss out of the Thunder to force Game 7, as Wemby goes off (he better have with this fit) and Carter Bryant sets the tone on SGA. Doesn’t matter who wins. Knicks in 6 (please heal fast, Mitch.)
Blue Origin rocket explodes in massive fucking fireball during a test launch. Thank god this didn’t happen last year or we would’ve lost Katy Perry best performance ever and Oprah would’ve been despondent. Small wins.
New Star Wars movie The Mandalorian and Grogu releases but is already losing in the box to Obsession, the horror film made for $750k by our favorite YouTubers. In other Hollywood news, John Travolta reveals he now owns 12 berets. Just how much swag can one man possibly have? Something to ponder.
Billionaire Peter Thiel has reportedly moved to Argentina, leaving the US due to concerns over its politics (which he created himself??), AI collapse and impending nuclear war. Have fun man! We’ll hold it down here, no sweat.
Yesterday was the 10 year anniversary of Harambe’s death and it feels like it’s been 10 seconds. Incredible journalism here from Pablo Torres and the Friday Beers page. Mr. Trump: please use this drug on Harambe. For all of us.
Fantastic news: we dropped a doozy of a podcast yesterday to take you into the weekend with comedian Mattie Conaghan. Knicks fever. The latest hockey smut show. Landlords porking in tenant’s apartments. All the hits.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
A woman gets pulled over by a cop for texting with her right hand while driving, only to reveal that she does not have a right arm. I’m still waiting to give my full support until I learn if how good she is at cornhole. I’ve been burned by that before.
She’s unarmed but very dangerous
The long wait is over: Susan Boyle appears to be releasing new music. Perhaps this is why Rihanna has delayed her album. You don’t want to compete against the Big Boyle.
I’ll never forget when she went super viral because everyone was like “WOW it’s pretty crazy that she can sign even though she is very ugly and old and strange!!”
Shoutout to the gentleman with a gut diseases that gets him drunk without taking a sip of alcohol called ‘auto-brewery syndrome.’ Honestly sounds like the dream life. I would save hundreds of thousands of dollars a year if i didn’t have to drink to get drunk.
Go ahead and check my math. After making friends with Nancy Pelosi’s husband, I have made a series of well-timed investments that are now stashed in off-shore accounts to help fuel a growing alcohol dependency. It’s not necessarily the best way to live your life, but it is a way.
Shopping for a lady in your life and wondering to get the woman who has it all? Look no further than this rotisserie chicken purse container. Perfect for any situation where you need to carry a full cooked chicken around with you for the better part of the day.
This is going to simplify life in so many ways. I don’t know what we’d do without modern science
I feel bad for Jannik Sinner losing so early in the French Open (still not the most unlikely loss ever, btw) but at least he gets to spend more time with his girlfriend Laila Hasnovic. She is hot and that is pretty cool, if you ask me.
People were complaining about no smut the past few emails, so here you go. Heathens. This is the type of lady you make eye contact with on an airplane and think about for the rest of your life
An ex-JP Morgan executive claimed wrongful termination and won over $4M after he was fired for expensing a $642 deli meat platter. The dude who made up that he was forced to be a sex slave is kicking himself right now for not thinking of that. Way easier.
TFW your entire reputation is ruined after you made up a story about your boss calling your wife slurs and talking about her cannons and all you had to do was accidentally mis-categorize an expense report to walk away more money than Treylon Burks made this year
Who Are You Buying a Beer for Today?
DOC’S LOCKS
Let’s make bank this weekend with Glue Guy and Dr. Locks. Tap in for a full breakdown.
FIVE-LEGGER FRIDAYS: 5 picks. One parlay. +1419 odds. For glory going into the weekend.
Hurricanes vs. Canadiens: Hurricanes ML. Let’s not get cute. Canadiens are dead. On to the Cup.
Rays vs. Angels: Rays ML. They’ve re-invented analytics and Martinez is the best pitcher in baseball. All they do is win.
Padres vs. Nationals: Padres ML. Love a team coming off getting swept. It’ll be enough to beat the Nats.
Yankees vs. A’s: Yankees ML. Pinstripes beat up on their old friend Severino.
Phillies vs. Dodgers. Phillies ML. Philly owns LA. They don’t lose on Fridays.
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HOW IT FEELS TO CANCEL PLANS
Highly relatable content here from the crew. Plus some acting performances that had no business being that good. What else do you really need on a Friday?
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED
The ultimate Wii Golf challenge will shock and awe you. Just remarkable announcing from Gavin and Danny on this one. A nice little treat.
Read this on your lunch break: The 40 Most Enraging Problems in Tech.
How can you not love Nic Cage and this incredible deep dive with NY Times Magazine. (Break the paywall with this link.)
These are just some incredible nicknames for NBA players left in the finals. Limbsanity and The Litter Blocker have gotta be my favorites.
I had no idea that organized crime was so in love with stealing cheese but it actually makes a ton of sense. Great long read from Long Reads.
Even if your barber moves across the country, you still gotta be loyal. Rules are rules.
Might steal this guy’s idea and get rid of my phone so I can start using a landline. Sounds kinda sick.
Pop songs re-imagined as mediviel bangers goes extremely hard. Bops.
It’s Friday. Fuck it. Mike Vick ultimate Falcons highlights. To send us into the weekend on the right note.
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