The Daily Friday: Friday 5/9

1. Diddy trial jury selections put on hold, as the judge issues concerns about ‘cold feet’ from jurors. Gotta say, I’ve been loving some of their excuses to get out of jury duty. I too struggle with the blowjob talk.

2. Draymond Green goes off after he gets technical foul against T-Wolves, his 5th technical in 9 games, and blames an ‘agenda’ from the media. Could be an agenda, could be 10+ years of being an absolute mad man, but hard to tell.

3. Zuckerberg promotes AI friends, claiming that the average person has less than 3 friends but ‘demand for 15+.’ Glad we’re using economy terms for personal relationships. Can we have normal people be in charge of the future?

4. UNC football has reportedly banned Jordan Hudson, the girlfriend of head coach Bill Belichick, from all football operations after her repeated over-involvement. Truly shocked. Tough blow for age gap relationships everywhere

5. The new Pope just dropped and it’s an American from Chicago. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

But first: happy pipsqueak weekend for all the short kings out there (5/9 - 5/11.) Let your lack of height drive you to incredible lengths in the next 72 hours. As someone who towers over you at 5’11 and 3/4, let me just say: being a giant of a man is not cool as it seems. It’s way, way cooler. Hope this helps.

AMERICAN POPE JUST DROPPED

If you had ‘American Pope’ at +1000 odds like these guys, you just made a shitload of money. After just a day and a half of deliberation, Pope Leo XIV (formerly Chicago native Cardinal Robert Povest) will become the first American pope in history. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• Provest was born in 1955 and raised in the South Side of Chicago. He’s a lifelong White Sox fan, so much so that he was photographed at the 2005 World Series game. This gives me a ton of confidence. To remain a White Sox fan for 70+ years and still believe in God takes an incredible amount of faith.

• After high school, he left for New York City to work for a Michelin restaurant before returning home to run his family’s Italian beef shop Villanova, where he majored in mathematics. A Pope that’s been to both Wawa and Portillo’s is crazy. Knicks in 4 has never been more of a lock.

• While he’s slightly less tolerant than Pope Francis on LGBTQ+ rights and can be a bit of a Joe Paterno, Pope Leo is generally considered a progressive Pope, particularly when it comes to migrants rights and hating JD Vance. Will he seek revenge for murdering his old boss? Only time will tell.

• In line with previous ‘Claves, there was just 36 hours of deliberation before white smoke billowed out of the chimney. We get it, you guys vape. You gotta think that at least one of the cardinals was motivated by getting their phone back so they could check on the NBA playoffs.

• The coverage of Conclave was dominated by Pope Crave, a Twitter meme account that started as Conclave (the movie) stan account, before getting press access. Personally, I found out from an Adam Schefter tweet and then immediately had the pleasure of breaking the news in a group chat. Is there any greater joy in life?

Truly wild that America now has 2 of arguably the top 4-5 most influential people in the entire world. The entire world has gotta be absolutely sick to their stomachs right now.

DOC’S LOCKS

It’s peak sports season and it’s time to continue a new weekly tradition: 6 legger Fridays. Here’s who the good doctor Dr. Locks is hammering tonight. Hit the once and bankroll your entire weekend.

6 LEG FRIDAYS: +881 (Nuggets +8.5, Pacers +8.5, Panthers ML, Padres ML, Astros ML, Tigers ML)

HERE’S THE SCRIPT:

• Jokic triple double and 2-4 insane plays from Westbrook keep it tight in Denver.

• Tyrese Haliburton’s dad’s son goes 20-20 and the Pacers flirt with a 3-0 lead.

• If I could bet Panthers by a billion, I would.

• Vazquez on the hill for San Diego + Rockies stink? Padres W.

• Houston’s Hunter Brown has a microscopic ERA this year. Keep it rolling.

• Tigers have won 6 of the last 7. Let’s make it 7 of the last 8.

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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Hero of the Week has gotta be the dude who found a universal snake anti-venom after let himself get bit by snakes over 200+ times and injecting himself 700+ times as a side hustle from his construction job. Just doing it for the love of the game. Respect.

New get rich quick scheme just dropped: woman makes $30k in lawsuit after claiming that coworker who called her ‘Darth Vader’ ruined her career. Not that valuable of a career if you ask me, but go off queen.

A cop making a traffic stop found a woman’s pet raccoon smoking out of a meth pipe. Meth Raccoon sounds like a great Cocaine Bear spin-off series. I’d watch.

Never been so jealous of Sabrina Carpenter before. Some ladies have all the luck.

BANGER ALMOST FRIDAY PODCAST

Loved to see Grace O’Malley make her Almost Friday Pod debut. Boston accent porn + fantastic characters this episode. What more do you really need??

THESE SHIRTS SLAP

Can you go wrong with a Steroid Era or a Throw Harder shirt? No. No, you cannot. You can only go wrong if you don’t follow your heart.

Do you NEED this shirt? No. Probably not. But you want it, right? So just get it, man. Good chat. Talk soon.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Dan Hentschel has been on an absolute heater this week. Loving this new format. I’ve always said stuff like this is exactly what content should be.

• Read this on your lunch break: Everyone is Cheating Their Way Through College.

• DREAM NEIGHBOR JUST DROPPED. Wish this guy moved in on my block.

• Loved this read on Sidewalk Bars from the good folks over at The Pioneer (scroll to the middle.) It’s your favorite newsletter’s favorite newsletter.

• Here’s how North Korea stole your job. Oh well, it can have it.

• INSPIRING: these tenants asked their landlord if Matt could sleep over tonight and he said yes! There is good is the world after all.

• It’s Friday. Fuck it. Conner O’Malley full stand-up special. Just to take you into the weekend.