USA loses to Turkey in the World Cup, which doesn’t mean jack-shit because we already won the group. Suck it, witch doctor. Ecuador stuns Germany to advance to the next stage and the President declares a national holiday. Getting a lil dusty in here watching their manager celebrate.
Wendy’s becomes the latest Reddit meme stock, as the stock jumps surges this week following a CFO change and a viral post on r/WallStreetBets. Can you guys do this for Applebees next? I’m glad they brought back Dollaritas but I’m worried it’ll bankrupt them. We gotta support them.
NBA remains addicted to trades, as LaMelo is moved to Minnesota (finally safe to drive in Charlotte,) Giannis leaves Thannis behind and Jaylen Brown is streaming through it all. It’s safe to safe that based on this recent hockey trend, Conor McDavid and Nate MacKinnon are going to be traded by Monday.
Taylor Swift rents out MSG for July 4th weekend, yet another sign that the arena will be the home for her wedding with Travis Kelce. Gorgeous, simple, understated venue. I expect nothing less from this low-key couple 🫶🏻
Jackass 5: Last and Best is out today and opens with its best Rotten Tomatoes score in franchise history. God bless these guys. True artists of sophisticated penis humor. Here’s some a good long form to help you cope.
PS - it is our LAST CALL for mailbag question submissions. Full mailbag will drop next week. In the meantime, we’re collecting feedback on the newsletter as we wrap up the first half of 2026. Drop your thoughts in this link here. Appreciate you all 🤝🤝
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Massive respect this 100 year old woman, who attributes 40 cigarettes a day and marmalade as her secrets to living longer. I love this. Based on my consumption habits, I will most likely live longer than Jonathan the tortoise and still die in debt. God bless.
Can we all please agree to stop optimizing and health-max everything and just enjoy ourselves? I honestly wouldn’t want to even live to be 100 if it required eating healthy and not drinking
Breaks my heart that the owner of the world’s smallest penis is calling for donations to fund an enlargement surgery. I’d give him an inch if I could, but I really can’t spare it.
Look dude, if i give you some of mine, then we’ll both be in the same boat. Ask like Pete Davidson or something. I gotta put on my own life mask here
Congrats to Chet Hanks, who has secured what many in the modeling industry would call the perfect gig: the face of the morning-after pill. Commence White Boy Summer.
A Chinese man ate his prized fish worth $42,000 after his fish tank exploded, saying that he ‘had no choice.’ Airtight logic there. There really was no other option.
Me when my pet fish die because i bought too small of a tank and i have no choice but to eat them even though i could easily just bury them or something
This is a direct message to Dua Lipa: these cat and mouse games you’re playing with me are exhausting. It’s clear to anyone with eyeballs that you hired a paparazzi to take these photos of you and your husband on your honeymoon to get my attention. It’s transparent and ineffective and I urge you to focus on your own happiness. What we had in the past was beautiful. I’d like to remember it that way. You have to let me go.
Oh really, Dua? You’re expecting me to believe that a papparazzi just so happened to catch you in the exact moment when you are flaunting your perfect body and making out with your “husband” who is technically “hotter” and “more successful in every metric of life” than me? Like come on. Be so real.
Who Are You Buying a Beer For?
DOC’S LOCKS
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THE PICKS: 6 Leg Parlay, +800.
Leg 1: Norway vs. France; Both teams to score. This may be the best game on the slate.
Leg 2: Senegal vs. Iraq; Under 4.5 goals. I can’t even believe this is offered as a bet.
Leg 3: Cape Verde vs. Saudi Arabia; CV Win or Draw. They draw more than Bob Ross. Easy.
Leg 4: Uruguay vs. Spain; Spain ML. They’ll assert their dominance early, have a little paella and lean into a siesta (that’s like the only 2 things I know about Spain btw.)
Leg 5: Belgium vs. New Zealand; Belgium -1.5. There’s not a good team who needs a win right now more than Belgium. Time to prove it boys.
Leg 6: Egypt vs. Iran; Egypt win or draw. Take us home, Egypt. Take us home.
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We Tried Every Drink at the USA Soccer Match
Just a glorious display of consumption from Will and Rusty. I only wish they’d been able to time this trip with the Tartan Army’s arrival. I’ll take our two vs. the Scots any day, but I’ll admit that it would be close.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED
Time to head over to the big map to break down yet another shocking group chat around an issue of vital important: where to watch the games tonight.
“Honey, Our Baby’s a Demon” is fucking hilarious. Excellent work from Brett Dodenoff and crew here.
Establishing a colony on Mars is basically impossible. Why are so many people obsessed with it? Great read here.
Japanese national soccer team vs. 100 elementary school students. Just some good old fashioned wholesome fun to get us into the weekend.
Happy 100th Birthday to Route 66, which still has stories to tell about America. Very good long read here.
It’s Friday. Fuck it. Jim Downey on Conan with the greatest bit ever.
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