The Daily Friday: Friday 6/6

Hello loyal readers. Quick reminder from Daily Friday HQ: I am currently in the midst of a lovely little vacation and am writing you from the Italian coast (I’m dangerously close to becoming a fedora guy. Please respect my journey.)

For this week and next, we’re shifting to a modified send schedule and will be sending emails on just Fridays, consisting of largely pre-written content. So no, I don’t have anything about the Elon-Trump Twitter beef, though I really do feel for Kanye. I’m sure they’ll get back together and have some bomb-ass makeup sex. Couple of firecrackers.

In the meantime, it would be sick if you could fill out this survey and tell us what we can be doing better (or keep doing well) for the second half of the year. We’re trying to make this the greatest newsletter known to mankind and every little bit of feedback helps. Love you all. Romantically. Enjoy the mailbag.

Why are you better at everything drunk - Brody

The human body craves drunk. We were not born to be sober. When you give the body the booze it desperately desires (6-9 beers over the course of an hour) you will naturally reach a state of nirvana known as the Golden Zone. 

For a precious time period, you are the master of both the physical and spiritual realms of this world. You are the puppeteer of the universe, pulling the invisible strings that connect us all. Your powers extend to all tasks that truly matter: talking to women, pong, approach shots from 150 yards and in, darts, FaceTiming your ex, driving your dad’s Toyota Camry, etc.

At any moment, you could transform from a Golden God to a pathetic and humiliating excuse for a man. That’s the beauty of it. You don’t know when and you don’t know how, but the end is coming. Make the most of it while you can.

Sure you saw, but Bonnie Blue says she now wants to bang 2,000 guys in 24 hours. Logistically, how is that even possible? - Mark D. (not giving you my full name)

Of course I saw it, Mark D. How can you not? Say what you want about Bonnie Blue, but she knows how to get attention online. In today’s world, that’s one of the most important skills you can have. She’s one of the few people alive whose job is safe from AI. Kudos. 

Let’s talk logistics.  Doing anything with 2,000 people in 24 hours is impressive. That’s 83 people an hour or 1.3 people a minute. And that’s with NO breaks. If she shook hands with 2,000 lads in 24 hours, I’d stand and cheer, but taking the time to make tender, passionate love to them? Just exhausting. 

Back to the logistics of this. Every guy is going to get around 45 seconds. In my experience, that’s about 3x as a long as sex generally lasts. It’s going to be VERY hard to find guys who have that kind of stamina. That’s basically tantric sex. Finding 2,000 stallions will be her first challenge, but I’m confident in the men out there. 

When it comes to the act itself, we’re talking 3-4 pumps per guy. That’s stretching the definition of “sex” a bit, but I’m not here to nitpick. It’s certainly possible, though I’m not sure how enjoyable it is for anyone involved. But then again, that’s not really the point. It’s kind of like running a marathon. It’s not fun while you’re doing it, but it feels great when you’re done and can tell everyone that you did it. 

This whole conundrum is a bit of a Jurassic Park situation: our scientists are so preoccupied with whether or not Bonnie could do this, they never stopped to think if she should. A question for another mailbag.

Weinermobile or Redbull car?

Weinermobile in a landslide. Sure, parking is going to be a bit of a hassle, but that’s life

Quick power ranking of top mascot cars:

5. Redbull Car - shitty version of the Minotaur Car from Role Models. 

4. McDonald’s shoe car - you know what they say about big shoes? Big shoe car. 

3. BiC Tour De France caravan car, 1953: The perfect intersection of classic cars and brand activation. We need more pen companies to sponsor bike races. I’ve always said that. 

2. Planter’s Nut Mobile: Motion to rename the Bang Bus to Nut Mobile. 

1. Weinermobile - Everyone knows about its beautiful and eye-catching exterior, but few are aware of its stunning interior. Plus, these suckers can FLY. I’d legitimately move out of my apartment tomorrow and live in one full time if they let me.

Many times your feed is really incredible just to drop off the map.  Today you had the awesome Caitlin Clark story offset by the “whatever the fuck” skibido thing.  Then the “Skims” piercings?  Reading the Daily Friday can be like catching an awesome wave, then doing a faceplant. - Marty Fox

Less of a question and more a criticism, but that’s ok. I get it. 

Every MWF, I try to write a newsletter that I personally would want to read. The Daily Friday is meant to be a brief little tour through Al Gore’s Internet superhighway, highlighting all the stuff that caught my eye and tickled my fancy. It’s the kind of stuff that you want to send in a group chat or bring up at a pregame. Sometimes it’s legitimate news, sometimes it’s weird shit I saw on Twitter, sometimes it’s pierced nipple bras. That mix is what makes the Daily Friday what it is. 

The reality is, we hit on ~15-20 stories every time we send out an email. That’s 50 a week! You may not personally love every topic we touch on every time, but that’s the game. But I’m man enough to admit that we can always get better. I gotchu.

Anyways, I love you Marty and thank you for reading. 

DOC’S LOCKS

It’s peak sports season and it’s time to continue a new weekly tradition: 6 legger Fridays. Here’s who the good doctor Dr. Locks is hammering tonight. Hit the once and bankroll your entire weekend.

6 LEG FRIDAYS: +2244 (Phillies ML, Dodgers ML, Twins ML, Tigers ML, Royals ML, Mets ML)

Got a feeling that this is the one. To feed families.

Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER (Available in the US) Call 1-800-327-5050 (MA)

*21+ only. Please Gamble Responsibly. Call 1-800-NEXT-STEP (AZ). First Bet Offer for new customers only. Subject to eligibility requirements. Bonus bets are non-withdrawable. See BetMGM.com for Terms. US Promotional offers not available in Ontario and Puerto Rico

RAPID FIRES

Glory holes? Gay or Not? - Charlie Berube

The point a glory hole is that you don’t have to ask yourself these questions. You are submitting to the mysteries of the universe, playing Russian roulette with your penis and letting the chips fall where they may. Is there anything more beautiful than that? Especially during pride month? 

Quick sidebar: the timing on glory holes has gotta be very hard to get right. Are the ones who doing the sucking just sitting next to the hole all day, twiddling their thumbs and waiting for a big, strong trucker penis to pop through? Do the suckees just post up with hog torqued to high heaven, waiting for a mouth to appear on the other side of the hole? That’s no way to spend your time. 

It seems like a shared Google calendar with 15-20 minute time slots would be a good solution. Someone should start a Calendly. Just a thought. 

Important hypothetical: Would you rather be wet from three or be able to dunk in-game? - Jack Knuth

Dunk in-game, no questions asked. Wet from three is cool and all, but an in-game dunk is how you get remembered. Three point shooting can be written off as flukey but if you throw one down, people are walking away from that pickup game talking about it. That’s what it’s all about. 

New girlfriend will be meeting the family for the first time on the 4th of July, any tips? -Anonymous

Give her the space to make her own impression and connections with your family without you constantly hovering around and making sure it’s going well. If she’s a keeper, she’ll do fine.

Also, make sure you set her up for success. You know your family better than she does. Help her pick out a good gift to show up with, tell her that she should help out with the dishes because your mom is anal about that, and all that good stuff. You got this.

If you could attend your own funeral, what’s one thing you’d be most disappointed people didn’t say about you?

He odee shot hang pulls. 54 from treball is goat behavior. 

What am I doing with my life?  - Anonymous

Your best. Or something resembling that. Just like we all are. 

Here’s the good news: none of it really matters. You are just one grain of sand in the endless beach that is human existence. No one thinks about you at all and if you die, maybe 0.1% of the population would care. Within 50 years of your death (if that) absolutely no one will remember anything you did during your life. 

That’s not depressing, that’s freeing. Stop worrying about doing the right thing and do what makes you happy. Go get absolutely bombed with your buddies this weekend. You deserve it.

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STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• ANOTHER BANGER HAS BEEN DROPPED ON THE TIMELINE. Enjoy.

• Read this on your lunch break: The Nobel Prize Winner Who Thinks We Have the Universe All Wrong.

• Shoutout Dan Carney. Another banger pride month video after last year’s incredible piece of art. Thank you for your service.

• Days long “Dark Retreats” are the new spiritual conquests for the tech elites. Aaron Rodgers influence is crazyyyy (PS - good luck with him, Pittsburgh.)

• Brand new DND campaign AND more golf content on the Friday Beers YouTube channel? There really is a God.

• Really liked this thoughtful essay on the Jackass franchise and laughing through the pain.

• Please fill out the feedback form. Thank you team. Don’t make me go full HR lady mode.