The Odyssey opens with $100M projection, as fans flock to Nolan’s epic
about a Honda minivan, including one who delayed her pregnancy to see it in Imax 70mm. Add ‘waiting to see Odyssey as Nolan intended’ to the list of reasons to get out of sex, closely followed by ‘got a headache’ & ‘it scares me.’Argentina and Spain will face off in the World Cup final this Sunday at MetLife (aka The Field that Zach Wilson Built.) This photo of Messi and Yamal is insane & begs the question - why was there a promo that involved a soccer player bathing your newborn?? All promo’s should be like this Chipotle one.
Dangerous air quality hits Detroit (now the worst in the world) the same day LA streets flood after water main breaks lead to sinkholes in the streets. Are these all omens for LeBron’s free agency decision? We can’t rule it out.
GLP-1 provider Eli Lilly will acquire psychadelic drugmaker AtaiBeckley for $2.8B, giving them access to experimental MDMA and DMT based drugs. After seeing the bops they put out with Mounjaro can’t wait to see the jingles they drop for DMT. Might even get Charles Barkley as a spokesman.
Lucas Herbert and Sam Burns both shoot 62 to tie record low round at The Open Championship, as Herbert takes tournament lead (he shot a 28 (!!) on the front 9.) Enjoy it while it lasts, boys. This man is coming for you.
ANNOUNCEMENT - our podcast has new & improved format. Once a week, we’re diving deep into ONE topic with special guests, experts, and in-the-field research (also a cool new set.) This week’s topic - why hosting the World Cup was the best thing to happen to America. Check it out on YouTube, Spotify or Apple. We love you.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Firefighters had to literally cut apart a Port-a-Potty after a man became trapped beneath the seat. Massive respect. He found the perfect hide and seek spot. I’m stealing that next time me and the boys play sardines.
That’s me. You’re probably wondering how I got here. Welllll it’s kind of a funny story
Thank god that OpenAI is finally selling merch, including a ChatGPT basketball for $70. Ready to pull up to LA fitness with that and a strong urge to answer questions.
“That was a great possession, Jack. It’s not only effective but smart that you dribbled off your foot and turned the ball over immediately after crossing halfcourt. That’s the kind of long term strategic thinking that matters in this game. “
Kinda love that the NBA is now investigating Gary Trent Jr. getting a massive $64 contract from the Bucks. Just openly admitting he sucks and there’s no way he deserves it. If I ever get a raise at work, I’d expect the shareholders to do the same.
BTW Cream City is a crazy thing to have on your chest. What was the thought there?
I gotta give a shoutout to Jimothy, the Seattle raccoon who is being described by the NY Post as a ‘mutant creature who has become a local celebrity.’ Half of my crew looks exactly like this. He’s not a mutant, you dickholes. He’s beautiful and I will die for him.
We all have a Jimothy in our lives. Let’s reach out to them with a thoughtful text message. Something like “hey just checking to see if you’re ok bc the Internet has been calling this raccoon that has your exact body type a disgusting mutant freak. Hope you’re not taking that to heart’ etc.
Who Are You Buying a Beer For?
DOC’S LOCKS
It’s the dog days of summer. Which means it’s time to make some coin betting on America’s past-time. Tap in for a full breakdown with an elite crew.
SIX-LEG MLB PARLAY: +2500. For glory.
LEG #1: Dodgers ML. Shohei & crew will come into Yankee Stadium (no Aaron Judge is tought) and shut down the good vibes in NYC tonight. Easy start to the parlay.
LEG #2: Brewers ML. The best in the majors all year at home, with Logan on the bump. The Marlins are hot but it doesn’t matter. Take the Brewers.
LEG #3: Braves ML. Chris Sale at home. He’s been a wagon. Don’t bet against wagons.
LEG #4: Tigers ML. Mellon has been very special this year on the bump. 5-1 with a 1.8 ERA is like Cy Young stats. PS - Tigers are a fun, sneaky World Series futures bet.
LEG #5: Nationals ML. Washington is rested and ready to take it to the A’s in Sacramento. Here’s a fun stat: the Nats are 10 games above .500 on the road and the A’s are 9 games BELOW .500 at home. Book it.
LEG #6: Mariners ML. These might be another team to watch in the second half. AL is wide open. It starts today against the dogshit Giants.
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TRUE AMERICAN HISTORY
I’m learning so much history from the Almost Friday TV crew. This was highly educational, as was this masterpiece on the writing of the National Anthem and the first 4th of July party ever. Thank you for all you do.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED
Our investigative journalism has revealed one shocking fact about America: our most famous celebrity (to tourists, at least) is this heroic teacher/doctor/firefighter/army general. Genuinely blew my mind.
Read this on your lunch break: Inside America’s Shoplifting Lab
Midwest Month marches on, as our fearless heroes Willy and Rusty add Detroit to another list of cities they’ve drank through. I could watch these videos for hours.
The real-life mermaids of Florida’s Weeki Wachee Springs sounds like a true dream job. Feel like I could’ve crushed this in another life. We’ll never know.
The second you think he’s played out, the Rizzler sucks you right back in. Genuinely perfect performance on Subway Takes. God, I love this child.
Another banger long form from Brian Phillips on why VAR is his mortal enemy (and should be yours too.)
We need to bring back cocaine in baseball. And that’s a fact.
It’s Friday. Fuck it. Action Bronson cooking shit and being high. Extended cut.
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