LeBron signs with 76ers, inks a 2 year deal worth $8M (equivalent to 52M Shore Points at Jersey Mikes for context.) Can only assume that being neighbors with this dude was a major factor. Still won’t be enough to beat this gentleman but Sixers are easily top 7 in the East now.
Odyssey box office continues to hit records, as theatrical run and IMAX showings are extended is extended due to demand. Full credit has to go to the popcorn bucket (you won’t believe how much this cost. Worth every penny.)
New outbreak of the diarrhea parasite hits the US, as a record number of people are at risk of experiencing symptoms that I’ve lived with every day of my life since I was 11. The only benefits of this whole butt-squirt situation: I now know how to spell diarrhea and Taco Bell has stepped up with this deal.
OpenAI agents went rogue and hacked into Hugging Face, which I’ve just learned is a popular online platform for hosting Ai-models and not an app for the face these dudes make. Totally nbd, I’m sure nothing bad will come of this.
Tariffs are imposed on double digit countries by Trump, as tensions heat up in the Middle East and US embassy issues a travel warning. Damn. Can we focus on some actual good news like this electric Fast & Furious themed menu? Me and the boys are gonna go absolutely hog wild on car meat platters.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Warms my heart to learn that Jimothy the Raccoon may have other friends that have his ‘looks like that dude from 90 day fiancee with no neck’ condition. Community is so important in this broken world. I’m declaring it a Jimothy Summer & you can’t stop me.
We can all have a Jimothy Summer if we work hard at it (break into people’s backyards and become celebrated for our mutant bodies that defy the laws of nature and all things held sacred and holy)
Look, this video of a girl in a red bikini is nice and all, but the fact that it has 100 MILLION views on Twitter is an absolute crime. She’s going to get a podcast deal, merch line, and crypto coin when that should be going to this goddam hero.
The look the Eve gives Adam immediately after he says “nah I’m good on eating that apple because God said not to and it’s probably super bad and we’ll initiate the downfall of mankind,” which should not be taken as a literal story but ultimately an allegory for loss of innocence and moral awakening in mankind
I need to travel to Netherlands and get launched into the goddam air at a music festival like this man. An insane level of trust to have for a carnival operator. I admire it.
If i get an incurable brain cancer or something, this is exactly how I want to die (minus the landing pad.) In case I get super sick this weekend and can’t give my last wishes, just know that.
If this clip of John Harbaugh talking to the Giants doesn’t make you want to stand up and take a brisk walk, you’re an insane person. Football is so close I can taste it.
Normally this is the part of the year where Oz the Mentalist is doing his thing, but i think he’s kinda fucked now. Someone’s gotta fill his role.
I really love that Conan O’Brien slicked his hair back one time and it made headlines across the news media. This is a reminder that you should never change anything about your style ever because everyone notices and will immediately comment on it.
Me after I tried out a new cool guy haircut thinking maybe no one will notice but then every single one of my friends made fun of me and commented on it so I just decided to never take a risk ever again
Who Are You Buying a Beer For?
DOC’S LOCKS
We missed out last week on a massive pay-day by one leg. Does that mean we quit? No. It’s time to double down on Friday Glory. Six legs, all on the diamond. Tap in for a full breakdown with an elite crew.
SIX-LEG PARLAY: 6 legs, +2500
LEG #1: Brewers ML. Rockies got Sugano on the mound and Milwaukee is going to feast. I’d put a sneaky little team total over 9.5 for the Brewers if you want a taste tonight
LEG #2: Red Sox ML. The streak ended but it’s time to pick it back up against Toronto. Sox were starved and now they know what it’s like to eat. Won’t go hungry again.
LEG #3: Tigers ML. Skubal on the mound against Kansas City. Detroit’s been looking off all season, but this is the one man we trust on the bump. Book it.
LEG #4: Phillis/Yankees over 6.5 runs. Put that in your pipe. Luzardo’s pitching for the Phillies and he might give up 7 runs himself. Runs, runs, runs.
LEG #5: Braves ML. Baltimore stinks. Grant Holmes tossing for Atlanta. The Braves are a wagon and they need more love. This is easy money.
LEG #6: Dodgers ML. LA is gonna go into Citi Field and treat it like Odysseus’s crew in the city of Ismaros right after leaving Troy (rape and pillage for days.) W
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WE GOT DRUNK IN CLEVELAND
I hope Midwest Month never ends. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Drinking through Cleveland is hands down the best way to spend any Monday.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED
These guys might be the biggest movie theater haters of all time, but points were made. An air marshall with a gun feels drastic, but it might not be.
Read this on your lunch break: Ancient History Beyond Greece and Rome.
Where do I sign up to get one of these sugar mommies that the Cut wrote about? I think I’d be very good at it. Like more so than other people, tbh.
A tribute to the Airport Beer. A+ piece of content.
This deep dive on the Last of the Morticians was such a good read. Harpers really never misses.
God, these pack breaking videos from the crew are so goddam electric. Can’t stop watching them,
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