1. Sydney Sweeney moves markets, as her partnership with American Eagle leads to a spike in share price for a company that was down 35% YTD. I can’t believe this commercial is 6 hrs long. AWOOGA type shit.

  2. RIP to Hulk Hogan, who died yesterday at age 71. Let’s enjoy his greatest moments from the ring. Rest easy, brother. Bad week to be a celebrity with an alliterative last name and wildly popular family-based reality show.

  3. New app called ‘Tea’ shoots up to #3 on App Store, allows women to anonymously share details about men in their city. Yik-Yak for dating is definitely an idea. Can’t see how that goes wrong in the slightest.

  4. ESPN is reportedly in talks to acquire NFL Red Zone, along with all of NFL Network, as deal talks heat up. I swear to God, if I hear Stephen A or McAfee say 7 hours of commercial free football, I’m gonna drink Drano. I’m so scared.

  5. South Park and the White House are in a beef, after the first episode of the new season depicts Trump naked in bed with Satan with a tiny cartoon penis and suing anyone who disagrees with him. Don’t see what the issue is.

Happy Gilmore 2 is out on Neftlix today. To celebrate, we made this post for all of us who based our entire personalities on repeating movie quotes to each other. Enjoy.

PREDICTING NEXT WEEK’S HEADLINES

Reporting the news is easy. But reporting next week’s news? Even easier. We gazed into our crystal ball and here’s what we saw. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

Is this real? I can’t tell

Nelk Boys interview Joseph Kony and it’s ALL the feels. Full sending with a Ugandan warlord is the logical next step after they got Netanyahu on the pod this week.

DOJ releases Epstein list, a document exposing the 100+ people who attended Tyler Epstein’s bar mitzvah in Short Hills, NJ in 2007. Gonna get ahead of this one - yes, I am on this list. It was a lovely evening (Tyler crushed his Torah portion and the giveaway was a boogie board with his face on it.) Don’t think that makes me evil.

Katy Perry has near brush with death after trying to swallow a lit firework during her show. I said it Monday and I’ll say it again: she was supposed to die on the space mission. Death will not stop doing stuff like this until he captures her soul.

LeBron and Drake beef escalates as Bronny and Adonis will fight in PPV boxing match. My money’s on Adonis. He’ll be motivated by pride after this display by Bronny Sr. Makes me so mad, I’m gonna watch 100 AI videos of him pregnant.

Astronomer CEO says that he suffers from Pedro Pascal disease and that he was only hugging his head of HR at Coldplay because he suffers from anxiety. The tide turning on Pedro Pascal has been swift and merciless. At least the memes have been fun.

DOJ announces that aliens are real, Obama built the pyramids, and Amelia Earhart is still alive and a Spirt Airlines pilot. Incredible news. So incredible it made me forget about any other news that came out this week. This will work on me.

DOC’S LOCKS

Here’s a six-leg parlay to feed families from Dr. Locks and Glue Guy.

TOTAL ODDS: +2500 (Bet $10, Win $250)

Klay Thompson throws gas btw. Might start wearing a batter’s helmet so I can rip like he does.

PICKS: Cubs ML, Mariners ML, Tigers ML, D-Backs ML, Orioles ML, Red Sox ML.

Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER (Available in the US) Call 1-800-327-5050 (MA)

*21+ only. Please Gamble Responsibly. Call 1-800-NEXT-STEP (AZ). First Bet Offer for new customers only. Subject to eligibility requirements. Bonus bets are non-withdrawable. See BetMGM.com for Terms. US Promotional offers not available in Ontario and Puerto Rico

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

BREAKING: Charles Entertainment Cheese has been arrested for credit card fraud. Expect him to do his time: Chuck is a mouse, but he’s no rat. He’ll never fucking talk and will be running that prison yard by the end of next week. Omerta.

The bail has been set at 4500 tickets. Free Chuck.

Broke my heart to see a Savannah Banana face-plant the fuck out of this flip during a live CNN news segment. It should’ve been Benson Boone.

It may shock you, but he did not land this flip. I suspect some foul play is afoot. Need to do a deeper dive.

It’s hard to think of a better metaphor for the entire Cleveland Browns organization than this video of someone falling off the raft mid-helmet reveal. Chef’s kiss.

Life imitates art imitates life

A new Air Bud is announced and I’m pumped for this press tour. Can’t wait for him to go on a podcast, talk about his welcome to the league moment and mention how he nearly over-dosed on brownies during a dark moment but he’s stronger than ever now.

Put Air Bud in NKA 2k27

Never thought I’d say this, but I’m strongly considering becoming a Thai monk. I crave purpose in my life, and also the delicious pull of meth and being sex blackmailed.

Every monk can have a little meth. Just as a treat.

Who Are You Buying a Beer For?

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EPISODE 2 OF THE DAILY FRIDAY PODCAST

The Daily Friday Podcast marches on with all the news that’s fit to podcast this week. We’re talking Ozzy’s wildest moments (and what the Trisha Paytas meme means,) JoJo Siwa and the Tesla Diner. Plus, Rusty Featherstone and Bobby Dolan from Could Be the Move hop on with two segments that may change podcasting forever.

Plus - massive shoutout to our bar tab winners Jake Higgins and Michael Constable. Drink up this weekend boys; your tabs are on us.

Daily News for Curious Minds

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