The Daily Friday: Friday 7/3

Happy almost 4th of July to you all. We’re off today but we’ve prepared an extra special mailbag, answering all of your burning questions. Thank you to everyone who wrote in and helps to make our newsletter the best thing you get in your email every day (please fill this out this survey if you haven’t yet.) Muchas gracias.

PS - Strider and I answered some of these questions (and more) in depth on the podcast. Fun episode with some insane anecdotes from each of us. Need a lawyer to chime in about my getting hit by a car story. Check it out.

If I suddenly became ultra wealthy, where would I go to get the best apocalypse bunker? (Ya’ll are totally welcome to crash there if we have a Big Crash) - Todd from Sugar Land, TX.

Personally, I’d buy a bunch of Costcos in a temperature climate, cash checks while the world exists, and then pick the one that got least destroyed to chill in post-apocalypse. They got everything you need: furniture, booze, free samples, tactical equipment, gasoline, 72 pound wheel of Parmigiano, etc. No free ads, but Costco is sick.

Real talk though, if the apocalypse comes, there is like 0% chance I’m riding that out. It sounds annoying as fuck to have to survive and I’m not going to learn how to. I haven’t learned a new skill since high school. Not gonna start with farming or foraging.

Also, who the hell would I hang out with? My friends and family are great, but they are notttt equipped to survive anything. If the only people who are left are 1) billionaires who built out bunkers to horde all the resources and stockpile blood from the youth or some shit and 2) Doomsday Preppers, then I’m out. Not my people (excluding Todd from Sugar Land, TX who may become ultra wealthy and sounds cool.)

Life is about who you spend it with. I’m not spending it with those people.

Would you still jack it if every time you came your semen became one big sperm that you’d have to fight afterward? - shint

Yes, I absolutely would. I definitely would jack it way less than I do now, but I still would.

Having to fight a massive sperm in hand to hand combat every time you wanted to rub one out would undeniably be an incredible inconvenience.

I’m going to assume that no matter how big this sperm is, I could likely win that battle. Like, it doesn’t have opposable thumbs or any training. Sure, a sperm is a strong swimmer, but I’m rarely jerking it underwater, so that’s not a factor.

Still, it would be exhausting and I’m not always feeling that kind of exertion when cracking stick. It should be relaxing.

The real issue would be the mess. Especially since it’s so big. After defeating the giant sperm, you’d be COVERED in it. Plus, depending on how fierce the fight was, there’d be broken furniture, shattered plates, etc. You’d really only be able to masturbate in an empty room, stark naked, and have to carve out at least an hour to do the act, then fight and clean up. That completely eliminates a lot of cranking opportunities (while driving, in the office, while driving to your office, etc.) that make the entire process so fun.

All that to say, I’d probably still do it like once a week. Just so I can think straight.

How do you escape the Corporate Matrix? - Anonymous

You came to the right guy. As someone who spent my 20s in the Corporate Matrix, built my comedy career off hating it (check out my page Work Retire Die if you’re a matrix member and grab some merch) and finally escaped to the glorious land of Almost Friday Media where I make dick jokes online for a living, I could write an entire book about this but I’ll keep it short. Some general advice.

Start today: you are going to die. Very soon. Don’t waste time. Stop talking about it and just start doing it.

Don’t quit your job (yet): Sadly, money is extremely important. Eliminating things like rent or food or credit cards bills from your list of things to worry about is actually very important. The nice thing about most office jobs, especially in your 20s, is they’re not that demanding. You’ll have chunks of time where you’re sitting around that you can take advantage of. I would book off conference rooms, pretend to be on calls, and write blogs, sketches, memes, whatever. Keep getting paid to figure out your life.

Do something (small) to reach your goal every single day: a small step in the right direction is better than no steps. Momentum is a motherfucker - don’t lose it.

Don’t be too hard on yourself: maybe you don’t know what you ‘dream job’ is. Maybe you just don’t have one. That’s completely fine and honestly, probably healthier. Some times jobs are just jobs. You go there to get paid and you can kind of forget about it when you’re not there. You can find and should find fulfillment in other parts of your life.

Don’t be too easy on yourself: you work 40 hours a week. You shouldn’t hate every second of it. Do something about it before it’s too late.

All right back to the fun stuff.

Sexiest cartoon brand mascot? Can’t say sexy Green M&M - Jack B, Weehawken

Well, if I can’t include the pre-woke sexy Green M&M, there’s really no point in even doing this. Let’s do a slight pivot: which cartoon brand mascot I’d want to marry the most. This is about love, not lust. Beauty fades. I’m looking for something more.

4: Skinny Cow: she’s hot. Body tea. But she seems to have a very toxic approach to eating and some serious body image issues. Her name is Skinny Cow – her entire identity is wrapped around her waist size. I want to be to go out to good restaurants and sleep in on Saturdays. She’d have 2 almonds for dinner and go to 5 am Soul Cycle. Pass.

3: Starbucks Mermaid: Alluring. Mysterious. Seductive. Her eyes are vast oceans of desire, tempting you to travel miles across dangerous waters for a free Venti latte. But she is a literal siren, put on this earth to get you to crash into rocks. Sorry love.

2: Miss Chiquita Banana: she checks all the boxes: beautiful, great energy, can balance stuff on her head. The only downside is the Chiquita company has financed designated global terrorist cartel group in Colombia. At the end of the day, I am man enough to admit that I am scared to marry into a family with cartel ties. In another life.

1: Sun-Maiden: it’s indisputable that we would have a love story for the ages. My one concern, and it’s a massive one, is that I cannot stand raisins. How they became a food staple is one of the greatest mysteries of our time. Grapes are very good on their own! So is wine! i would marry her just to convince her to quit and sabotage the industry.

RAPID FIRE

Why does all convenience store homemade ice tea taste like crap? - Marty F.

It’s a good question. Here’s the thing though: iced tea is a drink that has some of the largest variance of flavor preference across any drink or dish. Some people like sweet tea. Some like unsweetened (nasty ass.) There’s big brands like Lipton, Snapple or Arizona and fancy brands like Joe’s. There’s iced Japanese tea. Flavored. Arnold Palmer.

It’s overwhelming. I don’t know why a convenience store would even bother.

PS - shoutout to Marty. One of our most engaged readers. We see you Marty. Respect.

What was your AOL screen-name -Jim W

About as basic as you come: jackredsox29 (my dad is from Boston and I grew up a huge Red Sox fan.) Pretty standard name there: name, interest, number. Wish I had something as cool as Strider’s (no spoilers, but worth the click) but such is life.

I miss ripping AOL in the middle of the kitchen on a family desktop computer that my brothers and I had destroyed with viruses from watching porn. Simpler times.

Are aliens real and if so, you really think that lady in Brazil making predictions about 700 people getting abducted will be real? - Wolfie

Sorry we didn’t get a chance to respond to this before the game happened, but a few thoughts, Mr. Wolfie.

Yes, I think aliens are real. I think they are hiding in plain sight (and working with the government) to do their best to control us without anyone realizing they’re doing it. One day, they will reveal themselves to us but the general public will not see it coming.

So even if they were going to abduct 700 people at a soccer game, the second that a Brazilian psychic predicts it and that prediction goes viral, they would scrap their plans.

That’s also why I don’t think any Hollywood movies about aliens (ie Disclosure Day) are even close to realistic. Movies take years to make and involve thousands of people. The aliens would never let a movie be made that was close to the truth. Stay woke.

If you were President, what’s the first thing you’d do -Stacey W

Make everyone wear Hawaiian shirts. Hard to go to war if you’re chilled out like that.

Then I’d probably jack off in the Oval Office. Even if the semen did become a big sperm that I’d have to fight, I’m sure Secret Service could handle it for me. That’d be nice.

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