MLB trade deadline hit yesterday, with big moves bring Carlos Correa back to the Astros, the Twins giving away their entire team, and the Padres living like there’s no tomorrow. Still nowhere near as explosive as this drummer trade.
Trump brings back the Presidential Fitness and a new generation of children will now be cursed with the sit-and-reach machine. Praying for them. Interesting choice bringing registered Lawrence Taylor in the mix for this one.
ESPN fires Shannon Sharpe following settlement, is reportedly considering replacing him with Ochocinco. I’m not sure if that’ll go any better, but more power to you, ESPN. Justice for Unc.
Figma triples in IPO offering, as the software vendor’s price rises to $33 in the largest VC-backed tech IPO in years. More like FigmaBallsinyourmouth amiright fellas 😂😂😂😂 (I have no money and I never will.)
Monkeys have been stealing iPhones from tourists in Bali and swapping them for mangoes, in what officials call a ‘Criminal Enterprise.’ A Monkey Mafia led by Vito Chimpione goes crazy hard. They truly are our closest relatives.
TOUGH WEEK FOR JEANS / GENES
There’s been a lot of talk about Jeans / Genes in the news lately. And frankly, none of it has been good.
Sydney Sweeney’s American Eagle ad either saved the country or destroyed it, depending on what your algorithm looks like. Dunkin waded into the murky world of genetics-forward advertising with that hot guy from that show. Jean Smart needs a cane now. Gene Hackman died months ago under mysterious circumstances. If it’s not one things, it’s another.
It’s time to change the narrative and spread some positivity about the matter. Without further ado, here are our Top 7 Genes/Jeans. All decisions are correct and final.
Gene Wilder didn’t make the list because he’s not technically a Gene, he’s a Jeremy Allen White.
Jeans from the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants: I love a tradition that keeps friends close together over the year. I’ve been trying to get my buddies to start a brotherhood of the travelling pants with Calico Jeans, but no takers yet.
The Clutch Gene: You either have it (me during town egg toss) or you don’t (James Harden in the playoffs.) Simple as that.
Brett Favre’s Wrangler Jeans: Before he stole welfare money and sent pics of his hog to Jets staff, Brett was best known for tossing the pigskin around with the fellas in a pair of 5-star denim that’s built tough & comfortable.
Gene Parmesan: the world’s best private eye. Not up for discussion.
(Eu)Gene, Oregon: Had to shoutout the second-most populous city in Oregon and home to the Ducks. Just a lovely place (I’ve never been but I have a rich imagination.)
French philosopher Jean-Paul Sarte: As everyone knows, he was the leading figure in existentialism and 20th century French Marxism and also invented open relationships. Pretty common knowledge.
The pants on the lady from Tiny Dancer: Blue jeannnnn babbbyyyyyyyyy. God she sounds perfect. Might go to karaoke night just to sing this.
HELP SAVE COMEDY
Pameliam look great together
There are rare moments in life where something comes into the world that checks every single one of my boxes. The release of the new Naked Gun movie is one of them.
Liam Neeson. Pamela Anderson. Paul Walter Hauser. Directed by the dude who made the all-time classic Popstar: Never Stop Stopping. Produced by Seth MacFarlane. An absolutely incredible trailer and marketing campaign. What else do you really need?
I’m seeing it tonight. I suggest you do the same, because I’ll be sneaking references into every newsletter. You wouldn’t want to feel left out, would you?
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
High Noon is now recalling some vodka seltzers that were mislabelled as Celsius energy drinks. The race to find an accidentally spiked Celsius drinks is the modern day version of the Willy Wonka Golden Ticket campaign. Let the games begin.
I want to live in a world where every Celsius has a 50% chance of being a vodka seltzer. Just a fun way to live life.
It’s a Thick Rope Summer as the fellas are taking Zinc to load size max and baby batter farm. God abandoned the human race a long time ago and I don’t blame him.
Me after upping my Zinc intake to 14 pills a day
New airport pet peeve: don’t you hate when a fellow passenger walks around with a fire extinguisher blasting the shit out of everyone in their radius? Or is that just me?
I’m not gonna lie, this looks incredibly fun
Infant born in Ohio from an embryo that had been frozen for 30+ years is now claiming to be the world’s oldest baby. Nice try, but that’s actually just most members of Congress.
Real life Benjamin Button vibes. This movie was insane btw. Can’t believe it’s a true story
Finally, some good news: the Victoria Secret Fashion show will return in 2025. Can’t wait to invite the boys over to watch and we can all have uncomfortable erections deep, insightful conversations about modern beauty standards together
Yayyyyyy
Who are you buying a beer for?
KATY TRUDEAU, REBOOTS AND ALIEN ATTACKS
The lads from Playdate Pod hopped on for Episode 3 of the Daily Friday Podcast this week and it’s an absolute banger. Willy D and I chat about celeb couples (including Pameliam and Katy Trudeua) and couples we’d like to see (shoutout Elly de la Cruz.) Then Rusty is back with another can’t miss segment to bring the news from the streets.
Plus, we chat reboots, alien attacks, new snack foods, and the shocking arrest of Chuck E. Cheese. Big, fat ol’ episode for ya.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
There’s nothing more nostalgic than Cam Newton and Johnny Manziel chopping it up about Heisman days. Absolute banger of an episode.
Read this on your lunch break: Tik-Tok Detectives are Thriving.
Nothing hits quite like Japanese Waterfall karaoke does it?
There is no one online who is doing numbies like Chit right now. And he deserves every single view.
Very much enjoyed this deep dive on the ‘deliberately misunderstood’ Bill Burr.
It’s Friday. Fuck it. Insanely hard Michael Jordan x Anthony Edwards edit.
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