Cracker Barrel is under fire for their new logo design, loses almost $100M in market value. I’m glad people are being normal about this online (fire country lyric though.) There’s only one woman who can save them now.
A California resident has tested positive for the plague after camping in Lake Tahoe. Sign me up. I’ve always wanted to wear rock a plague fit and recreate this sketch. If anyone wants to go camping tomorrow, respond ASAP.
The Pope says he will share papal residences with 4 roommates, marking the first time in modern history a Pope has done so. So basically New Girl but at the Vatican? I’d watch (Pope Leo XIV is suchhhh a Nick Miller.)
McDonald’s is cutting the price of their combo meals in an effort to win back customers and convince them that they are affordable again. Personally, I think launching a McGrimace Ribs would work better. He just looks delicious.
College Football is FINALLY back, as #17 Kansas State faces off against #22 Iowa State tomorrow in the first ranked game of the season. Finally, I can rock my new favorite football tee. Feels good.
40U TACKLE FOOTBALL ROCK
The timeline has been hit this week with some of the greatest content in recent memory: grown ass men with 9-to-5s playing full pad, tackle football in the most intense recreational league I’ve ever seen.
Anyone can be under 40 if you believe in yourself
Sure, the geniuses online are clowning on them, calling them ‘insane’ for risking CTE or going to work with a broken leg. They’re making fun of them for being fired the hell up on the sidelines, talking shit, and having a media day. As if caring about something is embarrassing. Fuck that.
As a retired men’s league rugby player myself, I gotta say: this is fucking awesome. When you get older in life, there’s only so many things that you can really get fired up about. That you can dedicate time, energy, and care to. When you find that, you hang on and you don’t let go.
Imagine practicing a pregame speech like this in the mirror? Getting your wife involved as an amateur WAG? Grinding tape in your living room after you put the kid to bed?Where else are you gonna release that simmering rage that brews during a week of bills, bullshit and a boss laying into you for some spreadsheet shit?
If we don’t have 40U football, bar fights will skyrocket. Orthopedic surgeons will be out of jobs. And more importantly, guys in their 30s will be forced to direct their passion into something more sinister like brewing their own beer and trading crypto.
Fuck that haters. Adult tackle football for life.
DOC’S LOCKS
Finally. Football is back. Here’s a six-leg parlay to feed families from Dr. Locks and Glue Guy.
TOTAL ODDS: +1664 (Bet $10, Win $166)
Can’t believe college football is back. LFG.
PICKS: Dodgers ML, Phillies ML, Brewers ML, Blue Jays ML, Tigers ML, Iowa State +7.5
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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Cancelling all my weekend plans so I can chase this Hooters floating down the Ohio River to keep it from closing. This is the modern day Huckleberry Finn (never read it.)
A national tragedy and a sign of the times. A swim up Hooters would be quite nice though
There’s dedication to the craft and then there’s the man who built an entire subway system just for his cat. I wish I had something in my life that I cared about that much.
A little bit of wholesome content to start your weekend never hurt anyone did it?
Respect to this gentleman from Kentucky. If I had $10M the first thing I’d do would be to spend it on a ham at a local charity auction. You really learn how to savor each bite when it runs you $10k per chomp.
God that looks delicious. That’s lunch for the next 2 years right there
A 44 year old Tanzanian man went to the hospital with a ‘leaky nipple’ (puss squirting out of it like crazy) and doctors realized he’d had a knife stuck in his chest for 8 years. Next time i lose silverware, first place I’m looking is my chest cavity.
he got that knife in him
Who Are You Buying a Beer For?
TRYING EVERY DRINK AT STAR WARS WORLD
I’m such a sucker for these “Ranking every drink at ___” videos. This one was an absolute banger, plus our good friend Luke Null joined in. What’s not to love?
I JUST BECAME AN ART GUY
Big shoutout to this dude Mark Tennant I found on Instagram who makes high-quality art that’s actually worth hanging in my luxurious, 500 square foot apartment. If every painting was like this, I might’ve been an art major in college and leaned fully into disappointing my dad. Everything on his site is awesome.
Business news as it should be.
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STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Some of these fantasy football punishments are absolutely brutal. The Anora challenge is next to impossible.
Read this on your lunch break: The Great French Fry Mystery.
Dear Lord, please give this video the strength to reach the algorithm. Amen.
They make millions acting like sexy babies. Isn’t that a Taylor Swift lyric?
The fact that this list of 25 Greatest Sports Movies does not have the 1999 classic Russel Crowe hockey film Mystery, Alaska is a travesty. This should convince you to watch it this weekend.
Anyone who has read this newsletter knows that I’ll never have to worry about the Pain of Perfectionism. One less thing to ruin my life.
It’s Friday. Fuck it. Top 5 greatest big fellas running with the football moments in NFL history. Just to set the weekend off on the right foot.
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