US Open starts to heat up, as honey dew sales skyrocket (one sold ever 1.5 seconds), tea is spilled, and the greatest photo of all time is taken. This was a remarkable feat of athleticism right here. Incredible snag.
Amtrak is releasing the fastest train in America called the NextGen Acela, after years of delays. Flying has gotten so bad that bullet trains could be the move. Especially if I can go old-timey ‘hobo with a handkerchief & stick’ mode.
The CEO of Pop Mart is now richer than Peter Thiel, after the insane viral success of Labubus. Sorry Mr. Thiel is busy convincing everyone he’s not the Anti-Christ, ok? He’s got bigger things on his plate.
Cowboys trade Micah Parsons to the Packers for less than what the Jets got for Jamal Adams (just saying.) Historically has gotta be the worst thing to ever happen to Dallas. Like ever.
A billionaire heiress lost $80M thanks to poor financial advice from her psychic friend. Shame. If we can’t trust our psychic friends for investment guidance, who CAN we trust? I don’t even recognize this world anymore.
It’s the start of Labor Day Weekend, so ya know what? Fuck it. 20% off everything site-wide. Just because you guys deserve it. Lobster shirt is a closet staple.
THE MAN WALKING AROUND THE GLOBE
If there’s any man in the world who deserves a statue, it’s Karl Bushby, the modern-day, real life Forest Gump (minus the AIDS girlfriend and kick-return prowess.)
Beginning in 1998, Karl has been attempt to walk an unbroken path around the entire globe - no planes, no trains, no cars - and he’s almost home. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.
You know he had to do it to ‘em
Karl started in Chile in 1998 with the plan to walk an unbroken path to his home in Hull, England (no skips) within 8 years but multiple obstacles got in his way including:
A war in Colombia that forced him to sneak through enemy lines (maybe he had a cocaine hippo as a guide??)
MULTIPLE visa issues in Russia and a stint in a Russian prison (Brittney Griner type shit.)
A financial crash in 2008 that left his sponsors unable to support him. (Ok brokies. Get your paper up.)
A little something called The Bering Strait, an ice covered stretch between Russia and Alaska that people originally crossed to enter America during the goddam Pangea era.
A COVID pandemic in 2020 (I don’t remember this? Does anyone else?)
The Caspian Sea, which he swam across in 31 days even though he ‘wasn’t a strong swimmer.’ You know he ripped elementary backstroke with Chicken-Airplane-Soldier the entire time. Beast.
And now, after nearly 30 years, he’s almost back home. Fuck yeah Karl.
There’s so much more to this story that I broke down with our good friend Billy Langdon from AFTV and Entrapranure. My mind is still blown.
DOC’S LOCKS
I’ve been waiting for this weekend all goddam year. We’ve had little tastes but finally it’s here: a full Saturday of college football to keep the demons at bay. Time to make bank with some picks from Dr. Locks and Glue Guy.
SEASON RECORD: 0 - 0
Arch Manning can handle most environments but will he meet his match at OSU?
#1 Texas at #3 Ohio State: Ohio State ML (-110)
This might be the best game of the year and it’s only week 1. After years of hype, it’s time to see what Arch Manning has. I’m expecting fireworks, but the home crowd of the Buckeyes to pull through in the moments they need them the most. OSU in a tight one.
#6 Notre Dame at #10 Miami: Notre Dame ML (-135)
It’s the first Convicts vs. Catholics matchup in nearly 10 years and it’s a doozy. I’m betting on the Fighting Irish defense to shut down Carson Beck and his Snapchat arm from the first whistle. Take the under here for a little extra action.
#9 LSU at #4 Clemson: LSU +4 (-110)
This is entirely based on one thing: Dabo Swinney is a rat and I hate rats. Snitches get stitches and also don’t cover at home. It’s as simple as that.
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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
After centuries of innovation and research, science has finally progressed to reach its final form: the Arizona Rizzberry flavor. This will be the only liquid I consume for the forseeable future. Wouldn’t be surprised if I develop super-powers within the fortnite.
This is the only item that will survive the nuclear holocaust.
The guy who motorized his living room and drove around Lexington, Kentucky has the perfect set-up for football season. Perfect guilt-free way to park your ass on the couch for an entire weekend while getting some fresh air. Might even catch a little tan.
why didn’t i think of this?
Big brain move: Bill Belichick’s girlfriend Jordon Hudson has filed a trademark for the term ‘Gold Digger.’ When in doubt, lean in. Desperately hoping Kanye takes offense to this and starts a massive beef with them online. That’s what the timeline needs.
God he’s beautiful. She doesn’t know how lucky she is.
Thank you to the man dressed in Batman pajamas who helped stop a crime this week. I am sending this to my ex-girlfriend, parents and therapist to prove that wearing batman PJ’s is a totally normal and actually heroic thing to do as a grown man.
Not all heroes wear capes. Some wear pajamas.
Who Are You Buying a Beer For?
NEW DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS JUST DROPPED
Episode 5 of our Dungeons and Dragons series on Friday Beers YouTube may just be our best one yet. Throw this sucker on during your drive home today, close your eyes and let your heart take the wheel.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Any orgy that would let me in, is not an orgy I want to be a part of. A brand new saying for modern times.
Read this on your lunch break: How Parents Hijacked the College Dorm.
Is anyone in Hollywood hotter right now than our boy Will Angus? First the Almost Friday TV news, then the Luca Guadagnino movie and now he’s the lovable and complicated finance bro in a new Mindy Kaling series?? A++ lister.
How is it possible we have Wilt Chamberlain high school highlights and no footage of his 100 point game?
Babe, wake up. Who’s Next Show posted again. Would be a real shame if this someone turned into a Josh Gordon edit.
I’m just now learning that people used to fuck like crazy during the Middle Ages. Hell yeah. I’m trying to get like that this weekend.
It’s Friday of a long weekend. Let’s queue up some Frank Reynolds moments to take us into the promised land. Love you all.
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