Pentagon released a fifth batch of UFO files, which had 41 files that included a pilot’s recollection of a huge, strange triangle that blocked out stars over Afghanistan in 2002. Did the triangle look a little like this? Not so strange when you remember the aliens built the Bass Pro Shop Pyramid.
Nearly a third of adults still live with their parents, a record number. Add that to all this shit that’s going on (key focus on porn being awesome,) it’s actually not that shocking that no one gets laid anymore. Let’s fix that, please.
PowerBall jackpot surges to over $856M, the 8th largest in game history, as we approach Saturday night’s drawing. Nice little sum. It’s not Kawhi video billboard cap circumvention sponsorship money, but it’s nice.
Tough day for Zuck, as Meta’s AI models go rogue and try to hack another company on the same day they’re ordered to pay $942M for ‘contributing to children’s mental health crisis.’ Hopefully this the wake-up call they need to bring back Farmville. Sitting on a lot of crops that need to be harvested.
Panthers beat Cardinals in the NFL HoF game, as Carson Beck takes some time off Snapchat to throw a TD. God, it feels good to be back. In honor of min, let’s hammer Kuechley and Larry Fitz highlights (wild stat.)
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Holy shit. A diver found a 162 year old bottle of Guinness in a shipwreck off of the English coast, which may allow scientists to find the original recipe. Cute but it still hasn’t had time to settle properly. Real drinkers know this.
He’s a better man than me. I’d be splitting the G on the 162 year old bottle and keeping the secrets to myself forever.
Dream first date spot just dropped and it’s the nude steakhouse in Florida, where for a mere $250, patrons can strip down, put their bare asses on restaurant chairs and drip sizzling steak juice and piping hot soup all over their naked erect penises while eating. If you taste a little hair in your food, that’s just from my bush. Not a health code thing.
The owner (pictured above) is not nude, just the patrons. Seems a shame. Take that hog out, big boy
I’m blown away by the 21 year old female flight instructor who landed a small plane on a Florida highway by flying under an overpass when it experience oil pressure problems. This video is insane. I can’t even make a joke, this is just incredible. Respect.
Maybe if Amelia Earhart had those skills, she’d still be kicking it to this day
Damn shame that LaMelo Ball is moving out of this Charlotte penthouse that looks like a vape shop come to life. They should keep that place intact as a museum and a learning moment for why we should let our athletes actually go to college.
Type of place where the guy behidn the counter spends 25 mins walking you through weed strains and you can buy mushroom chocolates for $80 (they don’t really work but they don’t NOT work.)
Shoutout to the Polish dude who swam for 55 hours across the Baltic Sea without sleeping or taking a break, and began hallucinating at the 40 hour mark. I’ve had benders like this and stayed awake for just as long and I’ll just say - he’s very lucky that he made it through and didn’t come to in Bushwick at 4 am with this crew. Happens.
Polish dudes rock.
FRIDAY SMUT ROUNDUP: I can’t follow Em Rata if she’s going to post this stuff and I have to look it at it at public and be normal. How does the female body move like this? And how long does this take Tate McRae to wash off? Genuine question.
Me spending hours crafting a highly curated newsletter with thoughtful stories, insights, humor and links, only to see the most engagement every single week be around smut pics, which I can’t really get mad at because I’d click them too and who am I to judge what people are interested in and I’m not totally sure this picture captures that feeling but I miss that moment in time when Last Dance was the only thing we were all watching back in peak COVID so i included it. have a good weekend
Who Are You Buying a Beer For?
DOC’S LOCKS
It’s the dog days of summer. Let’s get ahead of our future betting for this NFL season. Fail to prepare, prepare to fail. Capesh? Tap in here for a full breakdown.
Jaxson Dart, over 5.5 rush TD: I mean, this line feels like a slap in the face to J6. The dude had 9 rushing TDs in 14 games last year. Sure, he spells his name like a moron but he’s got the size and speed to clear 5.5 by week 10. Book it.
Cowboys, under 9.5 wins: They got weapons, but might have the most dogshit secondary in NFL history with no pass rush to bail them out. Plus, the NFC East is stacked this year. Not ideal to have to play 6 of those games. Hammer the under.
Dak Prescott, over 27.5 pass TD: Dallas returns all 11 starters on offense and an elite 1-2 WR punches in the NFL with CeeDee and Pickens. And don’t forget - their defense is ass. Dak will be throwing early and often if they want any shot of staying in games.
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my boyfriend knows nothing about his friends
Extremely relatable piece of cinematic content from the crew this week. Love to see it.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED
Might have just found the perfect man date: delicious food, cheap beer, and throwing the pigskin around in a park. Is there anything else you really need?
Read this on your lunch break: Guess what? Tony P hate you too. (this one made me pretty bummed out.)
The trailer for the new Chris Hansen movie with Robert Pattinson looks absolutely electric but it will still barely hold a candle to this masterpiece.
Let’s dive deep into a good, old fashioned oral history of Will Ferrell as the sports comedy GOAT.
This is a spot on Fox News impression if it existed in the Spider Man universe. Mutant fear mongering would go crazzyyyy.
Inside the wild, coke-fueled rise of Vice. Great read.
You’re not gonna see a more impressive performance than this Phillies fan who won a charity auction and got to call an entire inning on radio. Sign the man.
The long, tangled and (mostly wrong) history of psychedelic toads is a great read. Might even have to sample these suckers myself.
It’s Friday. Fuck it. Allen Iverson high school football highlights. Just to take us into the weekend.
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