Mr. Beast announces plans for a real-life Hunger Games with a $1M prize, says ‘obviously, we won’t be killing anyone.’ Exactly what you’d say if you were planning on killing people. Got $100 he does a Human Centipede video next.
M&M maker Mars is partnering with a biotech firm to begin gene-editing cocoa crops. Hopefully this is a gene discouse we can all get behind. I’m totally fine with playing God if it leads to good candy.
Instagram launches new maps feature that shares your location with all your followers in a function similar to SnapMaps. I’ll save you guys the trouble of searching for me tonight: I’ll be at Chili’s. Same as I am every single Friday.
NFL is finally back, as Anthony Richardson kicks off the full slate of preseason games with a pinky dislocation on a brutal hit. PS - thank god we got smelling salts back. That was a scary 24 hours.
New ‘Weapons’ thriller projected to lead the box office, opens to a 96% score on Rotten Tomatoes. Impressive, but still not as impressive as Ice Cube’s goose egg this week. We watched it so you don’t have to.
NEW GET RICH QUICK SCHEME
Fuck a 9-5. There’s a new way to make generational wealth in America: staging viral moments and capitalizing on it via memecoins.
We’ve seen it with the coin that became a government agency, the coin that captured a nation, and most tragically, the coin that almost cost us the world’s greatest podcast.
And now we’ve seen it with the saga of the flying WNBA dildos that left 4 courts covered in colored cock-replacements and 2 teenagers arrested, after a cryptocurrency group claimed responsibility for the “trend” as a means of promoting their meme-coin. Finance 101.
This looks like the cover of an incredibly dramatic 30 for 30.
I suppose this is as good of a way as any to make a living. It’s becoming increasingly impossible to buy a home, save money, or even buy groceries without going into Klarna debt on just one salary. Sadly, the only way to live the American dream is to capitalize and monetize something that was once pure: memes.
Someone start a new coin for this new viral sex-toy trend. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.
DOC’S LOCKS
Finally. Football is back. Here’s a six-leg parlay to feed families from Dr. Locks and Glue Guy.
TOTAL ODDS: +1500 (Bet $10, Win $150)
The Vrabel era begins today
PICKS: Panthers ML, Falcons ML, Patriots ML, Tigers ML, Dodgers ML, Guardians ML.
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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
The long national nightmare is finally over. You can now purchase a foldable iPhone for a mere $1,999 beginning next September. Perfect for any situation where you want a phone that’s twice as thick sticking out of your pocket.
You can’t put a price on happiness. But you can put a price on a foldable iPhone and it’s worth every goddam penny.
We have reached peak capitalism: a couple got married in a chicken tender dip themed wedding that was officiated by the Hellman’s mayonnaise mascot. Personally, I would’ve preferred the Ketchup Smoothie do the honors but to each their own.
Shoutout to the Florida lady who faked being a licensed nurse, treated thousands of patients and was only caught after the hospital tried to promote her. Just goes to show you that being a nurse is incredibly easy and they don’t deserve any of our respect.
This is like Suits but for nurses. I’d tune in.
What is wrong with this country that you can’t even bring 59 pounds of marijuana onto an international flight without getting arrested for drug smuggling anymore?
At least they’re keeping the drug sniffing dogs in business. This is job creation #thankyoucriminals
Who are you buying a beer for?
CURSED FOOD COLLABS, JEANS AND ICE CUBE’S NEW FLICK
BIGGGG ol’ episode of Daily Friday Podcast this week. We’re talking monkey mafias, blowing up the moon, and some truly cursed food collabs.
Then our boy Caleb hops on during Cinephile Corner to break down the new War of the World’s (easily the worst movie of all time) and Rusty closes us out with a scathing expose. It will shock you.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
This was Dan Soder’s greatest performance and you can’t tell me differently. Release the Teeper Files.
Read this on your lunch break: The Agony and the Ecstasy of Being a Viral Trickshot Video Star
You haven’t fully lived until you’ve risked it all for a picture. Another masterpiece.
Diving deep into the 25 most important stunt scenes of the 21st century is an incredible way to run down the clock at hte office today.
Is 2025 the summer of brain rot or a symptom of a larger trend of cultural fragmentation?
Gotta respect Josh Hart for giving the breast milk ice cream a try. No one deserves it more than he does.
It’s Friday. Fuck it. Daughters from Derrick Comedy. The OG YouTube sketch comedy group.
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