Charlie Kirk killer is in custody after a manhunt in Utah, is reportedly a 22 year old named Tyler Robinson who was turned in by his father. Tons more details to come from this, but misinformation is already running rampant.
Oracle founder Larry Ellison is now richer than Elon, as his net worth sky-rocketed $101 billion overnight to nearly $400 billion. Sick. That means he’s also going to be addicted to AI anime porn soon. Welcome to the club.
Pokemon cards have increased in value 3,821% since 2004, FAR outpacing the S&P 500. Still holding out hope that my Beanie Babies will make me a billionaire, but for now, time to shift my entire 401k to Pikachu cards.
Packers take down the Commanders on TNF, as Washington loses Austin Ekeler for the year. Someone needs to fix the Achilles epidemic. It’s ruining sports and also my opinion of Brad Pitt’s greatest character. Dude was a beast.
Chipotle announces plans to expand to South Korea and Singapore in 2026. Finally, Asians get to experience America’s greatest export: fast casual Mexican slop. It’s not fair they get this and all we get is this shit.
It’s been a dark week on the timeline, but there’s still plenty of good things going on in the world. We covered every single one we could find on this week’s podcast. Check it out on YouTube, Spotify, or Apple. Or just visualize it in your mind. Whatever works.
LIFE ON MARS?
Huge news for billionaires who want to leave the planet: scientists have just discovered the strongest signs yet of ancient life on Mars. We covered this a bit in the pod this week, but fuck it, LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.
Didn’t the brave little toaster already do this like 20 years ago?
The discovery was made by NASA rover Perseverance (a word that’s actually harder to spell than you think) that spent that past 4 years grinding on Mars’ rocky surface. Crazy to think it completely missed Hawk Tuah but only 2 seasons of Stranger Things. Time is a mysterious thing.
Eventually, it collected a sample from a dry riverbed that could have evidence of ancient microbial life. In normal speak: they found a rock that might have super old bacteria or some shit, which means at one point, there MIGHT have been life on Mars a super long time ago.
Ok, and? And at one point I MIGHT have been able to play D3 football but I decided to prioritize drinking and getting brutally friend-zoned by double digit women. You want a cookie?
Look, this is definitely interesting, but talk to me when we can get off this planet and go hang out with some aliens. They’re already shooting down all of our planes anyways. We know they’re out there. Smell you later scientists.
DOC’S LOCKS
Welcome to the grind. We got another beautiful slate of college football this weekend. Time to make bank with some picks from Dr. Locks and Glue Guy.
SEASON RECORD: 3-3
Me running to hammer Clemson -2.5
Florida at #3 LSU: Florida +6.5
Everyone’s down on the Gators after last week’s loss to USF. That’s why they’re the perfect pick. When they zig, we zag.
#6 Georgia at #15 Tennessee: Georgia -3.5
We got ourselves a border war. The Vols are gonna come to play and the crowd is going to show out, but the Dawgs secondary is built different this year.
#18 South Floria at #5 Miami: Miami -17.5
Not buying that USF is for real. Carson Beck may be a legitimate Heisman contender. Canes roll.
#12 Clemson at Georgia Tech: Clemson -2.5
Am I reading this line right? Seems too easy. Dabo and Cade Klubnik have been getting shit on all season. Time to respond boys.
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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Charlie Sheen says in memoir he smoked so much crack, he sometimes found himself having gay sex. Was it just with one man or Two and A Half? I’m here all night folks.
Crack den gay sex orgy with him and Hunter Biden would be kinda lit, not gonna lie
Man runs date over with his car after she refused to let him smell her feet. Totally understandable reaction. Pretty sure that’s why Karen Read did what she did to her bf.
That feeling when she won’t let you have a delicious sniff of her little piggies even though you politely and respectfully asked many times
A cruise passenger jumped overboard to avoid paying a $17,000 gambling debt. What a moron. Just keep gambling dude. You’re like one big parlay away.
At least he got to ride the cop jet ski. That’s kinda fun.
Dakota Johnson and Margot Robbie appear to be having a “who can be the most naked on a red carpet contest” this week. You’re never going to beat Kanye’s wife at this, so just stop trying. Respectfully.
I hate to see beautiful queens competing like this. We’re all winners ladies. Just for being human
Who Are You Buying a Beer For?
ALMOST FRIDAY TV IS BACK WITH A VENGEANCE
Mr. Beast is officially on watch with this one. Absolutely electric performances all around, especially from the GOAT Steve Crawford. Hammer that watch button.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Another electric episode from the good lads at Who’s Next Show. Fire me up, why don’t you??
Read this on your lunch break: Wikipedia Survives Because It Is Boring.
I am all here for the rise of the stew-fluencer. Just in time for fall. We are so close to Soup Season it’s not even funny (it’s highly addictive, be careful.)
We interviewed the greatest Missouri fan of all time and let me just say: the dude HATES Kansas. Shoutout Carter Arey. Guy was the man.
Thank you for this expert analysis of dog language. Very educational.
This 30 seconds put me in a better mood than anything this week. Thank you for your service, my good man.
It’s Friday. Fuck it. 10 minutes of Calvin Johnson’s most unbelievable plays. That’s my goddam GOAT (after Wayne Chrebet of course.)
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