NFL kicks off with Spit-Gate, as noted good guy Jalen Carter hawk tuahs upon Dak’s face and gets ejected. Goodell should hit him with the same punishment my dad gave my brother for a similar act when he was 5: make him eat an entire bowl of mustard. That’ll teach him.
Hot mic catches Putin and Xi discussing organ transplants and living forever at Beijing military parade. Great news for the world. Are they going to live forever or are their body doubles? You can’t fool us.
Powerball has now hit $1.3B, the third-largest pot of all time with odds that exceed one in 129 million. Still better than your chances of finding a job in this economy. Don’t hate those odds at all.
US Open finals approach this weekend, as Amanda Anisimova becomes the last American hope on the women’s side and Alcaraz looks to take home his first title as a bald man. Do it for the receding hairlines out there.
Bieber will release second surprise album Swag II, which is scheduled to come out tonight, just 6 weeks after he dropped Swag. He’s turning out sequels at a faster rate than Marvel, Stranger Things and The Office. Gotta respect it.
I CAN’T STAND STANDING OVATIONS
Allow me to briefly comment of a trend that really pisses me off: excessively long film festival standing ovations.
We saw it this week with the new Skinny Rock and his UFC movie at the Venice Film Festival, which got a 15 (!!!) minute standing ovation, one of three movies to get 15 minute+ ovations this year. That’s long enough to have sex 150 times.
The fact that Tooth Fairy didn’t get this kind of a standing ovation is the real disgrace. That was true cinema.
I’m all for appreciating ~film~. I love That Awkward Moment as much as the next guy. But this can’t be sustainable.
Don’t your hands hurt from clapping? Your feet from standing? How do you know when to stop? What happens if you decide to sit down early and everyone else keeps going? Do you get back up? What do you do if you’re receiving the standing ovation for that long? Imagine not being able to check your phone for 15 minutes? I’d die.
Plus, it’s now created a culture where “Length of Standing Ovation” is the new Rotten Tomatoes for evaluating movies. By that criteria Joker II was the greatest movie of all time which it certainly was not (there was like no boobs in it.)
I blame the recipients of the standing ovations. You get like 2 minutes to wipe your tears, smile with gratitude and hold your hand to your heart. After that, you gotta gesture for everyone to sit down. We got places to be.
We broke this down in depth, plus the new Burning Man murder/baby cycle, US Open fans, conjoined twins having a baby (this was wild) and way more on today’s episode of the podcast. Check it out on Spotify, Apple, or YouTube. Peace out.
DOC’S LOCKS
Welcome to the grind. We got another beautiful slate of college football this weekend. Time to make bank with some picks from Dr. Locks and Glue Guy.
SEASON RECORD: 2 - 1
#15 Michigan at #18 Oklahoma: Michigan +5.5
Michigan is a sleeping giant this year, boys. Oklahoma’s defense is a like tissue paper. Don’t be surprised if the Wolverines ground and pound them into submission Saturday.
#11 Illinois at Duke: Under 49.5
If you want a little extra action, sprinkle some paper on Duke ML. Just got a bit of a feeling.
Iowa at #16 Iowa State: Under 41.5
Death. Taxes. Iowa unders. These are the only constants in life these days. And good riddance.
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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
I’m calling the Dad of the Year contest early this year and giving it to this gentleman working at a Russian waterpark who snuck his 11 year old son in after hours on his birthday so they could enjoy the park alone. And still kept his job. Hell yeah comrade.
This looks like an absolute blast. I kinda wish my dad was a Russian waterpark employee
Shoutout to Luigi Mangione, who’s nabbing modeling contracts from prison. Hopefully he got enough cig money to last for the next 3-4 consecutive life sentences.
He really does look exactly like Dave Franco
Whoever is trying to make 93 the next 67 needs to stop right now. I could barely handle that one and I’m not taking on a new number meme. I think I’m about 2 weeks away from no longer understanding the Internet and I spend 12 hours a day on this thing.
“Yeah work has been tough lately. I’ve had to do a ton of research on body doubles and how 93 is the new 67. I really think it’s the new 41.” “Jack, what the hell are you talking about.”
A 5 year old child woke up before his parents, so he walked to Chick-Fil-A alone and ordered breakfast before the police were called, who he asked “am i going to jail?'“ Yes, you are, you little shit. Your card got declined and you didn’t leave a tip.
Get back in the kitchen and wash some dishes until you pay off your $14 debt buddy. Time to learn how the real world works
Who Are You Buying a Beer For?
WHO’S NEXT SHOW | EPISODE 1
Fresh off the greatest trailer of all time (not kidding you have to watch that thing. It’s one of the best pieces of content I’ve ever seen) our boys Danny, Gavin, and Zach are officially live with the world’s #1 sports show. It doesn’t get any better than this.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Beer Olympics to decide our office fantasy football draft order is an electric piece of content. That guy is a hero for battling through a stye.
Read this on your lunch break: The Influencer Who Plagiarized My Life.
The bookie at the center of the Shohei Ohtani scandal is ready to talk. I’m ready to listen (and open an account with him if he’s taking new clients.)
This clip made me miss the hell out of Key & Peele. Might just rip this playlist after lunch and keep it going until the sun goes does.
I’m glad that this Orgasm Expert ended up on trial. Orgasms are not real and you can’t be peddling lies to the American public like that.
It’s Friday on the first weekend of the NFL season. Did you really think we weren’t going to end the newsletter with Al Pacino’s Game of Inches speech? Get the fuck out of your chair and let’s have a weekend.
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