The Daily Friday: Monday 1/27

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s everything you need to know to sound smart.

1. Super Bowl matchup is set, as the Eagles dominate the Commanders (and let Dr. Locks keep his flowing locks) while the Chiefs take down the Bills and look to pull off the three-peat. They can’t keep getting away with this.

2. CIA shifts assessment of COVID beginnings, says it likely came from a Chinese lab outbreak, though they have ‘low confidence’ in the assessment. I still think it was either aliens or Big Mask, but keep digging. I trust you guys ❤️ 

3. China’s new AI technology DeepSeek unseats ChatGPT as #1 in the App Store, offers superior technology free of cost. Can we all make this app #1 next? It’s got the perfect name.

4. Elon speaks at far-right German rally, says there is ‘too much focus on past guilt’ among Germans, hops on X to make Nazi puns. Interesting approach to defending yourself from being called a Nazi on Holocaust Remembrance Day.

5. Colombia backs down, accepts planes of deported migrants after Trump threatens to impose tariffs and other sanctions. Thank god. I have a bachelor party coming up and we need all Colombian trade channels completely open.

NFL: New haunting image for Bills fans just dropped. Better luck next year boys.

Laughed out loud at Luvu trying to stop the Tush Push by leap-frogging offsides multiple times. Need that kind of ‘fuck it’ mentality in my life.

There is not enough grease on planet Earth to stop the poles from being climbed in Philadelphia. Legitimate question - when will they stop doing this? I still think it’s cool, but they’ve been to 3 Super Bowls in 8 years. It’s gotta get old soon right?

NBA: Mac McClung is back for the dunk contest, looks to lock in the 3-peat. Fuck it, Mac McClung high school highlights.

MLB: After hearing the released audio of Ippei Mizuhura impersonating Shohei Ohtani on the phone to the bank, I’m convinced I could also pull of this heist.

The 11 year old who pulled the Paul Skenes rookie card needs to be hired by the US as their lead negotiator after he turned down the offer of 30 years of season tickets to hit the open market. Legend.

HOCKEY: This goal was simply absurd. Just became a huge Quinnipiac Woman’s Hockey fan. Might even get season tickets.

SOCO MIXES WITH EVERYTHING

Made from a one-of-a-kind blend of fruit and spices, Souther Comfort Whiskey is the ORIGINAL ready-for-anything spirit. Satisfying on its own or ideal in a mixed drink, SoCo is easy to enjoy however you drink it, and whoever you drink it with. 

When it comes to SoCo cocktails, find your comfort zone… you don’t have to be ‘fancy.’ Personally, I like to keep it simple with a SoCo Lemonade. Nothing hits the spot after a long week of working not-that-hard quite like mixing up a few of those SoCo Lem-Os, putting my feet up, and cruising right into the weekend.

No matter the moment, Southern Comfort is ready-for-anything: packed with flavor, mixes with anything, and easy to drink! We challenge all you out there to find your comfort zone – try out some Southern Comfort mix drinks and send us your favorites. We’ll include the best ones in the next newsletter 👀👀

*Southern Comfort, Spirit Whiskey with Natural Flavors and Caramel Color, 35% and 40% Alc/Vol, Sazerac Company, Louisville, KY

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Scientists estimate the ‘penis of the future’ could be as long as 8.5 inches on average by 2100, which may be too large for most women to accommodate and lead to smaller penises becoming favored. Hell yeah: just gotta hold on for 75 years.

Saudi Arabia has asked Hollywood composer Hans Zimmer to rewrite their national anthem, which will absolutely bang. Do not hand me the aux cord at 2 am if you don’t want to hear a stirring rendition of “The Chant of the Saudi Nation.”

The last of the 43 monkeys who escaped from a research lab has returned home after being lured back with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I don’t blame them at all. Freedom isn’t truly free if you can’t have a nice PB&J from time to time.

This koi pond built on the floor of someone’s local Chinese buffet is a marvel of modern architectural design. I’d love to commission one for our office’s lobby.

MONDAY MOVE

Love this move. Every since Facebook stopped mattering, it’s become impossible to remember your friend’s birthdays. This feat of brilliance will save more long distance friendships than the invention of X-Box Live. Well done, sir.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Monday Motivation: dominate your week just like this dude dominated whatever this event is. You got it, buckaroo.

• Read this on your lunch break: The Clock That Will Run for 10,000 Years.

• I never really stick to resolutions, but I actually fuck with this idea of quitting DoorDash and UberEats. I may be a millionaire by 2025.

• The family YouTubers who gave away their son.

• Chalamet absolutely crushed SNL on Saturday, especially the singing portion. Save some for the rest of us dude.

• A Complete History of the Chief’s 2024 Dark Magic. Andy Reid and Mahomes are real-life wizards.

• It’s Monday. Enjoy this video of dudes just doing dude things. Let’s have a week, shall we?