It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart.
Deposed Venezuelan President Maduro makes appearance in US courtroom following his capture over the weekend. This is why you NEVER sing John Lennon, no matter what. Gonna need to a reality show from his jail crew.
Stranger Things finale makes $25M+ at the box office, as the Netflix show comes to an end after 10 years. I can’t believe we went 20 for 20 with our predictions on the season. Should’ve parlayed that all and made bank.
18 year old Luke Littler wins the World Darts Championships, his second title in a row. He is rapidly climbing up our list of greatest athletes of all time. PS - when I die, I want to come back as a darts player just for a walkout like this.
Notable works have entered the public domain in 2026, including Popeye (Terry Crewe would be a nice choice), Mickey’s dog Pluto (new Air Bud spinoff??) & Betty Boop (don’t touch a thing, most beautiful woman alive as is.)
A bluefin tuna sells for a record $3.6M at a year-opening auction in Tokyo. This plus the string of 6 figure oyster, lobster, and crab meat robberies in New England has me considering a career shift. Coming for you Big Seafood.
PS - it might be time to start listening to the Peruvian shamans who predicted Venezuela’s Maduro would fall out of power just a week ago. Get ready for a serious Trump illness (gonorrhea??) and a fuckload of earthquakes. Here we go.
NFL: I still can’t believe the Ravens missed this kick last night and the Steelers took the division. DeKaylin is going to tear the playoffs up.
A classic uncle joke updated for the modern era. Tomlin really is the Quote GOAT.
Gotta tip the cap to the Jets for going the entire season without an INT on defense, something that has never been done in NFL history. If you’re going to be bad, at least be historically bad.
Coaching carousel update: 2 time CotY Stefanski out in Cleveland, Raheem Morris fired in Atlanta, and 74 year old Pete Carroll was mercy-killed in Vegas. Somehow both New York coaches have jobs. Make it make sense.
The Colts should make the fake punt their base offense next year. We might be witnessing an offensive revolution in the NFL.
Congrats to Myles Garret for a great season, but I’m not counting this season as the sack record with one extra game. Gap toothed GMA host still owns it.
NCAAF: Is it just me or are Curt Cignetti and Kyle Lanning falling in love? Genuinely beautiful to see. Hearts will break when Oregon beats Indiana by 2 TDs on Friday.
I watched some of the gay hockey show and now I can’t stop picturing sports rivals as lovers. Pretty sure Lebron is secretly dating Dillon Brooks and that’s why it’s been so testy
Fernando Mendoza is a beautiful, pure soul who speaks like your buddy who joined a business frat in college and got a little too into it. Don’t let Vegas corrupt you next year.
Carson Beck is now the first man to make 2 straight CFP semi-finals after getting exposed multiple times for sending insane Snaps while he was dating a Cavinder twin. History.
Trinidad Chambliss was simply absurd for Ole Miss in their win over Georgia. Let him stay for another 6 years, he deserves it.
NHL: Olympics rosters are set for Team USA and Team Canada, which will feature the majority of big names from Four Nations last year. It’s just now hitting me how sick Italy is going to be. Fuck it, time for a Miracle speech re-watch. Just because.
YOUTH TENNIS: Very impressed by this 13 year old ambidextrous prodigy named Lucas who hits forehands with both hands instead of hitting a back-hand. As the world’s first switch cranker, I know first-(both)hand how challenging this it.
NCAAB: This clip proved it: Angel Reese’s fingerprints are still all over LSU women’s basketball program. Heroes get remember, but legends never die.
Can’t get too mad at Notre Dame HC Micah Shrewberry for going absolutely BONKERS on a ref after a 4-point play foul call. At least he cares.
Bro went full ‘why I oughta’ mode
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Former Olympic snowboarder turned drug kingpin Ryan Wedding has his $40M motorcycle collection seized by FBI. He’s already accomplished my 3 goals for 2026: learn to snowboard, start a small business, invest earnings into motorcycle collection.
You’ll never convince me this guy is not the absolute man.
Lily Phillips, the nice lady who slept with over 1,100 guys in 12 hours and made a documentary about it, was publicly baptized last week after saying she’d ‘deviated from religion for a bit.’ Ya know what? Good for her.
Going from baptism content to mirror selfies and model shoots. That is how you shock the algorithm
Message for 2026: if Chuck E. Cheese and Mickey Mouse can come together for a generational dap-up for the mouse community, then so can we as a human race.
Lay down your swords. We are all more alike than we think. Let’s have a year
Who's Having the Best Monday?
MONDAY MOVE
This is the kind of move you start a year off with. Powerful. Innovative. Mysterious. It’s pretty obvious Tarantino watched this before he even thought of Pulp Fiction.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Our boys Willy and Rusty were featured in the goddam Wall Street Journal for drinking around the world at Epcot. What a world we live in.
Read this on your lunch break: Are You The Same Person You Always Were?
I think it goes without saying that if I lived in this world where zombie sicknesses spread through sex, I’d be completely fine. Very good sketch.
In 2026, we are all friction-maxxing. Sounds like a plan.
The Ringer’s Field Guide on How to Determine a Traitor is another fantastic piece of article for ya, as is their full bracket of Traitors.
I have genuinely no idea how Chase and Isabel didn’t book both the Michael B. Jordan roles for Sinners last year. Hollywood makes no sense.
It’s the first day back to work after nearly 2 weeks off. Fuck it. 2 hours the best characters in Almost Friday podcast history to run out the clock today.
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