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It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart.

  1. Thieves broke into the Louvre & stole 9 pieces of France’s crown jewels, as they cut through museum glass and fled on motorbikes. All-time heist drops just weeks after Ocean’s 14 was green-lit….coincidence? Probably.

  2. Cinnamon recall expands to 16 brands, as FDA finds high levels of lead in multiple products. The Cinnamon Challenge just got way more hardcore. LFG.

  3. Sora has paused users from generating MLK Jr. videos after a series of ‘disrespectful depictions.’ Thank god no one will be fooled like this gentleman was ever again. It’s getting tough out there.

  4. Prince Andrew stripped of royal titles, as Epstein ties exposed for him and ex-wife Fergie (not to be confused with the Fergalicious singer, who is a perfect woman.) At least someone is facing consequences for this.

  5. George Santos is released from prison 3 months into his 7 year sentence for wire fraud and identify theft after dropping some of the most outrageous lies of all time, immediately hops back on Cameo. Hustlers gonna hustle.

NFL: Vikings got absolutely hosed on this TD call (how is that not a catch??) but gotta tip the hat for ingenuity stopping the tush push here.

I still don’t really get how or why this would work, but gotta try something I guess

Another perfect day of New York football as the Jets once again are historically incompetent and the Giants enter the records books after this loss. Feels good.

I can’t believe this stupid fucking trick play worked for Mahomes. Goddamit.

MLB: Shohei has all-time performance to close out the Brewers, hitting 3 HRs and striking out 10 in 6 scoreless innings. I see why this dude was addicted to gambling. He is a golden god capable of anything. Why wouldn’t you bet on everything that moves.

Tonight, we get to experience the two greatest words in sports world over in the ALCS: Game 7. How can you not take the Blue Jays after seeing this Vladdy Jr. interview?

NCAAF: Rocking a Rolex mid-game is the only correct use of NIL funds. Respect.

D3 running back Montie Quinn from Curry College runs for 522 yards and 7 TDs on just 20 carries to set NCAA record. That’s a slightly above average game for Derrick Henry in high school, but still solid work.

Another week, another big-time college coach paid tens of millions of dollars to not work. Billy Napier, you are living my dream. Let’s go get margs.

Not sure what’s a more heartbreaking way to lose: Army on this play against Tulane, or UNC shitting the bed once again. Start firing up that Adobe Photoshop, Jordon.

SUMO WRESTLING: Gotta tip the hat to the big fellas on the sumo mat and highlight this incredible move right here. Just remarkable stuff.

NHL: San Jose Sharks seem to be taking their early-season struggles in stride.

Which kid? Please specify

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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Kim Kardashian’s new line of SKIMS underwear with fake bush on the outside has sold out within the first day of the launch. Newsflash, it’s not fake hair and I can’t keep growing it at this rate. Everyone please stop buying these. I’m serious.

These are called the “Ultimate Bush” which is just false advertising. Jeb is the ultimate Bush, followed closely by Reggie and the Burning Bush (shoutout Moses.)

Relatable: Indian man staged his own funeral just to see who cared enough to show up. I’m absolutely going to do this if the Jets lose again and claim I died from a broken heart, just to send a message to the organization.

This man is my hero

We finally did it. After years of struggle, someone has recreated the Boston cop slide video once again. Just a reminder that greatness is always within your grasp.

This really was the greatest 24 hours on the Internet when this happened. Simpler times

This is a wild one: 1xBet, a notorious illegal gambling site, reportedly hires random amateur athletes to play sports online for 12+ hours straight just to generate fake games for people to bet on. Ok, dream job alert.

The plan? Hire random people off the street to play in fake sports games for people to bet on so you can make more money than god

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