The Daily Friday: Monday 10/21

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart today.

1. Philadelphia gets its own Portal, which immediately gets cracked within the first 24 hours. I give it less than a week until something like this happens.

2. Donald Trump spent the weekend making fries at McDonald’s, talking about Arnold Palmer’s hammer-hog and dominating the election betting markets thanks to foreign wagers. Kind of an ideal weekend if you ask me.

3. Genetics company is under fire after charging $50k to parents in order to screen embryos and guarantee higher IQ babies during IVF. This is horrifying. Please only make lower IQ babies so I stay employed. Don’t stand a chance rn.

4. Elon Musk will be giving away $1 million to one lucky voter a day who sign his PAC’s petition in Pennsylvania. A wealthy eccentric who works with orange people and gives away Golden Tickets: he really is a modern-day Willy Wonka.

5. Frozen waffles were recalled from Target, Walmart and other major retailers after a concerns about listeria. Are we sure it wasn’t because the waffles were blue? I always knew that was real, despite what the ‘experts’ say.

MLB: After a weekend of monster home runs and the Mets meat-magic fading out, a Yankees-Dodgers World Series is set. I really hope Dave Roberts is lying because this would be sick.

NFL: The Jets are so close to being good, they just need 2-3 more of Aaron Rodgers friends. Then they’ll be fine.

Stefon Diggs just gets it. This is going to be my mindset the rest of Q4, I hope everyone understands.

Not sure who looks worse in the DeShaun Watson situation: Myles Garrett or the fans. All I know is, it’s officially Jameis Winston time and we’re all the better for it.

Patrick Mahomes can pull off runs like this because he’s no longer afraid he’ll be Mo Lewis’d on the sideline. What happened to the game I used to love?

Congratulations to Tim Boyle, the winner of this week’s incompetent QB stat award. Aidan O’Connell put up a good fight, but just wasn’t enough. There’s always next week.

CFB: Georgia handles Texas in top 5 matchup, as Longhorns fans go nuts and Arch Manning does his best Eli impression. Welcome to the SEC.

We are living in a world where Indiana football could conceivably make the college football playoff and Alabama is left out. Nick Saban needs to come out of retirement ASAP

NBA: I drafted Tyrese Haliburton in my fantasy hoops league last night strictly out of respect for this video he posted in Vegas at 4 am. King of the snow bunnies.

NBA season starts today, as the Celtics begin their title defense by hosting the Knicks (praying that Mikal doesn’t go full Fultz) and the Lakers host the T-Wolves in what could be Anthony Edwards final season in the NBA. One more sport to lose bets on 🙏🏻

CBB: Cooper Flagg is going to be a serious, serious problem this year. We could have the first white American hooper go #1 since 1977. Kinda crazy.

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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

A ‘bouncing bed’ was invented in China to help make sex just a little bit easier. This is going to go absolute numbers at BYU. Soaking just got way splashier 🙏🏻

Put some respect on Travis Gienger’s name after he won the Pumpkin Weigh Off for the 3rd year in a row. If he’s not on your top 5 grower list, you don’t know pumpkin.

Stanley Cup mania is back at Target, as ‘Wicked’ themed cups are causing mayhem at stores. Just wish people would try to earn the Stanley Cup on the ice instead of buy it. That’s what’s wrong with this country.

New Zealand airport is putting a 3 minute limit on goodbye hugs to limit traffic at departures. Disgraceful. If I don’t get at least 5-7 minutes of embracing with my boy who is headed to a work conference in Detroit, I’m thrown off for the entire week.

MONDAY MERCH

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STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Hell of a move round-up last week over at CBTM headquarters. Hard to pick a favorite but I’d either have to go giving grandma cash or calculator warm-up.

• Read this on your lunch break: Why ‘dumb devices’ and smartphone bans are not the answer to our problems.

• These dog costumes from this weekend’s Tompkins Square Dog Parade are cute and all, but that one hanging dog? Chop.

• RIP to the in-flight magazine. Gone, but not forgotten.

• Loved watching Stephen A Smith’s Magic the Gathering breakdown. He should pivot fully to in depth discussion of topics he has no idea about.

• Monday Motivation: if this HS football team can win their playoff game 68-0 with just 11 players dressing, you can make it through today. You got this.