It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart.
Today is a Sports Equinox, an extremely rare occasion (only the 32nd ever!) where all 4 major sports have a game on the same night. A truly perfect day. Let’s make sure we cherish it.
Louvre heist suspects arrested while fleeing the country. I’m not sure how this ladder company is going to advertise now, but they’ll find a way. PS - it broke my heart that Dapper Man was not really a detective. He was to me.
Taylor Sheridan is leaving Paramount, as the creator of Yellowstone, Landman, Mayor of Kingston, Lioness and Tulsa King will be taking his talents to NBCUniversal (dude is BUSY.) Check on your dads today. They’re not ok.
Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent says he too ‘feels pain’ from the China tariffs because he’s a ‘soybean farmer’ himself. It really sucks to see a man worth $500M struggle like that. The memes just write themselves at this point.
Ohio introduces a bill to outlaw AI personhood, which would prevent AI from owning property, businesess, voting and marrying a human person. Time to get off your asses and marry your chatbots before it’s too late #loveislove
BREAKING NEWS: Halloween is Friday. If you have no idea what to dress as, don’t worry: we got you covered. Godspeed.
NFL: Terry Bradshaw is the greatest football analyst in modern memory. Thank you for your gifts, sir.
Starting to remind me of Biden talking about Corn Pop these days
This Cam Skattebo injury was gruesome as hell, but it’s extremely on-brand for him to act like he’d walk it off. Giants fans really can’t have nice things.
Colts roll once again (this Pittman TD was insane btw) and I’m starting to think that every NFL team should have a female owner. Worked in Ted Lasso.
Miracles do happen. The Jets win their first game of the season (RIP Nick Mangold, one of the best to ever do it) as Breece Hall transcends into the greatest dual-threat weapon football has ever seen. The playoff run starts now.
NBA: I know I say this like every other newsletter, but Wemby really is a goddam alien. First player to score 100+ points and get 15 blocks in the first 3 games of the season is cool and all but shit like this is just not fair. Unless he’s on the Knicks, then it’s fine.
That’s what makes this Zion dunk even cooler. Skinny Zion may be the only person who can stop him.
Jaylen Brown: get your grimy fake hairline off of my darling OG’s jersey or I will be forced to take matters into my own hands. It’s becoming an epidemic.
NCAAF: Cam Newton hit this mascot so hard he might start speaking in the Cam Newton Instagram font.
Get this dude on PowerSlap immediately
It’s the year of 8 figure buyouts in college football, as Brian Kelly walks away with $54 MILLION after getting fired at LSU. Can’t wait to see which accent he tries out at his next gig.
Tough first half for Colorado this week. Not an expert, but that’s not the kind of numbers you wanna see.
MLB: World Series heads back to LA tied at 1-1 after Yamamoto throws an absolute gem. I might start ripping handwritten notes like this during the next company softball game. Couldn’t hurt.
The Jonas Brothers better pray that the Jays win this series - a mid-World Series-game concert like that could haunt the franchise forever.
LET’S LUCY
Look how happy this guy is. Just saying
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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Make it make sense: Brazilian influencer who calls herself the “Queen of Weed” was arrested for smuggling weed as part of a drug trafficking ring in South America.
That’s like me naming myself “King of reporting my bar tabs as fraud the next day and making back a clean $241 every Saturday event” and then getting busted by Chase
Shoutout to the deaf California woman who survived being hit by a small plane while she was walking her dog in a park. God, I hate when that happens.
That’s actually so insane though. She must’ve been so shocked. Hot take: being deaf would be super hard.
Model Brooks Nader says she is now open to dating ‘normies’ aka normal people. Time to hit her with the ol’ reliable: 7 pm Dave & Buster’s reservation. Have 4 personal pitchers. Split the bill. Spend the night in the Dave&Buster’s suite. Never speak again.
Let’s just do separate beds because I have intimacy issues and am still figuring out how to not pee the bed once a month
Who's Having the Best Monday?
MONDAY MOVE
Full suit to anything is always the move. How you do one thing is how you do everything. CBTM.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Read this on your lunch break: Why Doesn’t Anyone Trust the Media?
Every man needs a bit of whimsy in his life. Time to start grinding some Dancing with the Stars tape. (PS - thank you Bryan for explaining Group 7.)
How the NBA is gambling away its soul is a strong read. I’m fine with you guys throwing games, as long as you tell me first. Thanks in advance, Silver.
Idk what it is, but this video really got me good. Simple, yet effective work.
I can’t decide which late 1800s painting goes harder: this work of art or this dream blunt rotation right here. Art is timeless.
It’s Monday. Let’s hit this week harder than Brian Dawkins hitting a defenseless receiver.
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