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It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart.
Taylor Swift’s “release party” movie takes home $33M and debuts at #1 domestically in North America. Turns out that The Rock’s film festival standing ovation didn’t translate to people showing up to watch. Make it make sense.
Mark Sanchez, former Jets QB and current Rex Ryan tattoo, charged with a felony after a violent altercation leads to him being stabbed. When you start doing wind sprints in the alley, might be time to go home for the night.
Nearly 4 million pound of corn dogs were recalled, after Foster Poultry finds wood in their batter. That’s disgusting. I personally would never want wood in my weiner #can’tgethardgang.
CBS appoints Bari Weiss as editor-in-chief, after acquiring her newsletter / podcast company The Free Press for $150M. Chump change. Daily Friday only sell if it’s in the trillions and Rusty gets to run the NYT. Jeans content only.
An asteroid may be headed towards the moon, with a 4% chance of hitting it in 2032. Fuck it, just let it hit. Nothing exciting happens anymore.
NFL: The Jets just can’t help but set records wherever they go. That’s my boys.
If you’re gonna be bad, you might as well be historically bad
The Cardinals are literally inventing ways to lose. This Titans touchdown was one of the craziest things I’ve ever seen, plus yet another end zone ball-drop was just stunning stuff. Jonathan Gannon was PISSED.
I’m gonna need to have wayyyy more Eric Collins on the call for the rest of the NFL season. Electric factory.
Jordan Addison has made one thing clear: the only way to make sure you catch the game-winning TD is to stay up until 5 am the night before shooting music videos with London rappers.
What a completely insane week of comebacks. My survivor pool is completely fucked.
MLB: Yesterday was not the day to be a New York sports fan, as the Yankees get their dicks kicked in by Toronto to go down 0-2, including this Vladdy Jr. grand slam. Backs against the wall, let’s see what you got boys.
PSA to the Phillies organization: you can’t play closer walk-out music when you’re down 2 runs. That’s just Day 1 stuff. Time to regroup and come back for Game 2.
Mariners get their first home postseason win since 2001. I’d cry too, buddy.
Giving Ichiro full credit for this W. Continuing to dress in full Mariners uniform even though you’ve been retired for more than a decade is all-time dedication to the craft.
NCAAF: Gotta respect the effort out of Theo Von, who got brutally rejected on Game Day by a nice lady reporter. Always shoot your shot, no matter what.
Bill Belichick is completely ruining the college experience for UNC students. RESIGN SIR.
Pretty wild stat: the preseason 1 and 2 ranked teams (Texas and Penn State) are now out of the AP Top 25. College football doesn’t make sense anymore.
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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Beavers have finally returned to the Bronx River after not being seen for 200+ years. This might actually be what the Yankees need to turn it around.
Nature is healing, we were the virus
This surprise appearance at ACL confirms it: Hillary Duff has still got it and she never lost it. Being in love with Lizzie McGuire has been the greatest constant of my life.
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we need to build a shrine to her. respectfully
Adult who posed as a high schooler for 19 days and tried out for the football team calls the situation ‘a misunderstanding.’ Can’t say I blame him. I watched the first episode of Chad Powers and had the same exact thought. Glenn Powell’s impact is crazzzyyy.
Anyone watching this? First episode was pretty solid
Loving the hustle from this woman who stole a Publix motorized shopping cart to drive herself to a doctor’s appointment. I’ll give you one guess what state she was from.
Imagine ripping this thing 28 MPH down the Florida highway on the way to see your gastroenterologist? That’s what life is all about.
Who's Having the Best Monday?
MONDAY MOVE
This is what it’s all about. A Hall of Fame move. In every sense of the word.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
These Halloween costume ideas are actually on point. PS - still cracking up at the idea of an 8 year going as Sarah Palin. All-time interview on last week’s pod.
Read this on your lunch break: Wendy Williams Wants Out
Genuinely wish I could watch a feature length film of just Conor O’Malley and Tim Robinson riffing in the basement.
Take me back to the Golden Age of basketball mixtapes. Nothing gets my heart pumping quite like a Aquille Carr chase down block.
When bro starts talking about getting his life together at 30 is a banger. It’s simple: when Sahib posts, I share. Easy as pie.
It’s Monday. May we all achieve excellence this week to the level of the 1982 Austrian Alps choir performing with their tongues. Go forth and prosper.
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