It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart.
Senate votes to advance bill to end government shutdown, as Mike Johnson tells Congress to return to vote. Heading back to work after a 40 day vacation has gotta be all-time Sunday Scaries moment. Praying for them all.
Boxing biopic Christy has historically bad opening, despite critically acclaimed performance from Sydney Sweeney. Feel bad for our girl. It’s the kind of news that makes you want to break up with your new boyfriend and focus on a beer meme page, ya know?
Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction honors Outkast, the White Stripes, Cyndi Lauper, Soundgarden and more during its 40th anniversary. I’m assuming they’re waiting to add Avicii until next year? Can’t keep petitioning them.
Starbucks workers prepare for strike on Thursday, during the annual Red Cup day promotion, by an overwhelming 92% vote. Can’t say I blame them, especially for dealing with Bearista Cup panic last week.
Judge declares mistrial for crypto case of 2 brothers accused of stealing $25M on Ethereum blockchain that led to jurors crying. Totally understandable reaction to hearing people talk about crypto for a month straight.
PS - everything is changing on Tuesday. Read. That. Again. Send it to your uncle. Few.
MLB: Guardians pitcher Emmanuel Clase and Luis Ortiz were indicted on gambling charges that included intentionally throwing balls so gamblers could place bets on balls vs. strikes. I guess no one told Volpe.
they honestly should have known better
New Japanese free agents hit the market, including a power hitter named Munetaka Murakami who set the single-season HR record and a pitcher Tatsuya Imai. Just send them to the Dodgers, let the league strike & get it over with. Got football to watch.
NFL: Stat of the Week: the odds of the Giants collapsing against the Cowboys, Broncos and Bears this season was 1 in 60,000 and they somehow pulled it off. Just remarkable stuff.
After getting fined last week for excessive thrusting, Rico Dowdle debuts his new zero-pump TD celebration. Making me nostalgic for 2019 (colloquially known in many circles as the dry spell heard round the world.)
Jonathan Taylor runs for 224 yards and 3 TDs, including the walk off TD in overtime. Easily the most historically important thing to happen in Berlin in the last 200 years.
NCAAF: Indiana’s game-winning TD against Penn State was the most insane catch I’ve ever seen and completely shattered Gus Johnson’s vocal cords. Entirely relatable.
This Jeremiyah Love TD is simply absurd. He’s going to win the Heisman and Notre Dame is going to win the national title after starting the season 0-2 and the media will collapse upon itself like a dying star in outer space.
This has gotta be one of the worst ways to lose a game ever. And I’m saying that as a Jets fan.
NBA: GIVE KLAY THOMPSON HIS FLOWERS (for giving flowers to Meg thee Stallion after showing up late.) Now please buy some flowers for me to apologize for your play this season Reminder: no woman can replace the love of a fantasy basketball owner.
HS FOOTBALL: You’re not gonna find a better big man TD than the one from this absolute unit of high-schooler Akeem Davis. I didn’t hear no whistle!!!!
This is peak male performance and you can’t tell me differently
CANADIAN PREMIER LEAGUE: The clips from this snow-game for the CPL final are absurd. A bicycle kick in a blizzard is the stuff of movies. I will no longer consider soccer players massive pussies who can’t handle real football.
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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Personal announcement: I recently secured a modeling contract for plus-sized underwear & the photos came out GREAT. So excited to share this with the world 🙂
Me when I sleep over at Chris Christie’s house and forget a pair of clean underwear and have to borrow his
Well, that’s not great. I just found out that my lawyer might not actually be legally allowed to be my lawyer anymore: Kim Kardashian has failed the bar exam.
I know you’re upset Ms. Kardashian but now I’m probably going to jail just because I reported my bar tabs as fraud for 11 weekends in a row and finally got caught. I didn’t even know that was illegal, I just thought it was savvy financial management.
A Chinese start-up has a launched a new device to help in long distance relationships that features lips that you can smooch whenever you’re craving the sweet taste of rubber. This is the future that Soulja Boy foretold.
i will not try to fuck the long-distance kissing phone, i will not try to fuck the long-distance kissing phone, i will not try to fuck the long-distance kissing phone, i will not try to fuck the long-distance kissing phone, i will not try to fuck the long-distance kissing phone, i will not try to fuck the long-distance kissing phone, i will not try to fuck the long-distance kissing phone
Modern fashion has finally evolved to the point that instead of spilling beer ON our jackets, we can drink beer FROM our jackets. Thank you scientists.
Now imagine this jacket but filled with piss. Way better right?
Who's Having the Worst Monday?
MONDAY MOVE
Love this move. Make them earn it.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Gotta feel for the guy who had to move $80k worth of whipped cream this weekend. Absolutely impossible situation to find a buyer for.
Read this on your lunch break: Is Gambling Really Threatening the Integrity of Sports?
Office Plots That Don’t Exist is another banger from Playdate Pod.
Genuine question - what did men do to deserve this? Good read.
Will anyone ever crack the Oscar Three-Timers club again?? If it’s Sean Penn from One Battle After Another, I won’t be mad at all.
Kudos to this professor who finally learned what chopped means. Finally some visibility for the adult circumcision community.
It’s Monday. May your week be as prosperous as this grandma who went to AC and rolled dice 154x in a row without losing in craps. Legendary lady.
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