The Daily Friday: Monday 11/11

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart today.

1. Today is Veteran’s Day, the 98th annual commemoration of Americans who have served in the military. Thoughts and prayers to this soldier. Hope he finds what he’s looking for.

2. MONKEY UPDATE: 25 of the missing lab monkeys have been found, which means there are just 18 up for grabs if anyone wants a free pet. This could be your life if you have the courage and determination necessary.

3. Packaging on ‘Wicked’ children’s toy accidentally links to porn instead of film’s site. To concerned parents: I had a similar experience when I was trying to find footballs at Dicks when I was 8 & I’m totally fine with zero long term issues.

4. Tech workers at the NYT are on strike, which means that if you are playing Wordle or Connections today, you have crossed the picket line, you rat fuck. Play Ticket to Ride instead like a real grown up.

5. Tomorrow comes results of the biggest election of the year: People’s Sexiest Man Alive. Obviously will be Glen Powell so let’s mix it up with a Sexiest Man Dead contest. Picking between Hapsburgs would be impossible.

MONDAY MOTIVATION

There is so much you can accomplish in life if you simply abandon shame.

Take the Australian city councillor Carol Provan for example. She introduced a $1.8M whale-shaped playground into a neighborhood in Sydney called Cronulla (feels like an AF Pod character.)

Within weeks the playground had caused the following damages, which could be right out of a Tim Robinson sketch.

• Twirly blue slide had defective bolts and was shut down.

• Feces smeared all over the playground (yummy)

• Numerous people fell into the trampoline, included an elderly man on a scooter (the video is kinda funny, not gonna lie) and an old woman who broke her nose and still has no taste or smell (didn’t realize that was possible?)

• When they covered the trampoline with metal plates for safety, the plates got so hot in the sun that several children burned their legs and screamed in pain ‘it’s hot, it’s hot, it’s hot!’

In response, Carol said she was being ‘set up’ and that the 13+ complaints were minor and unfounded. Perfect.

Today when you encounter a problem I want you to follow the only three step plan that truly works: 1. Gaslight. 2. Manipulate. 3. Stay Toxic. Let’s have a Monday.

GO NUT NOVEMBER

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NFL: The Chiefs are really never going to lose, are they? Guaranteed Taylor Swift went full Snape mode to pull this one off.

Not sure what was more insane: George Pickens’ reaction to an OT interception or the Baker Mayfield 4th down play. Madness all around.

I could listen to Xavier Legette talk all day long. The Panthers officially have as many wins as the Jets team that I placed a Super Bowl future on. God hates me.

Don’t look now but Saints interim HC might have found a new good luck charm: clog the toilet before every game. Based.

Announcer revealed that Bills Mack Hollins was late to a meeting with them because he ‘doesn’t take elevators’ which is pretty in line with his overall life perspective.

NBA: Jaylen Brown calls Giannis ‘a child’ for hitting him with an all time ‘down low, too slow’ move. Grow up Jaylen. You’re the child for getting upset about that. Child.

Finally: an NBA player has a worse shooting motion than I do, and it’s this dude on the Suns. He has to be Shawn Marion’s son or something right? Only explanation.

NCAAF: Pro-Tip to ball boys across the nation: the Sanders family is probably the last family you’d want to get in a tussle with over a touchdown ball. Not worth it, pal.

Georgia’s loss to Ole Miss could make the SEC veryyyy complicated come playoff time. This scenario would be bonkers.

Indiana Hoosiers beat Michigan, crack Top 5 for the first time since 1967. Giving full credit to the spirit of Bobby Knight. RIP in peace.

MASSIVE CHILDREN: It’s hard to say what’s scarier: the baseball player who is doing this at age 12 or the 10 year old hooper who is 6’5 and plays above the rim. My future son will need to be starting his steroid cycle before his first birthday to compete.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

PornHub reveals top search terms during election week by state and we need to stop giving PA so much power in elections. Have they never had internet access before?

Life Hack: turns out that all you need to win a Harry Styles look alike contest is to dress like Hillary Clinton. Just so you know for the next one 🤝🤝

Hackers infiltrated a company and demanded payment of $125k in baguettes. This is why you never negotiate when hungry. Those are going to go stale sooo fast guys.

MONDAY MOVE

Some things are bigger than football. CBTM.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Don’t look now, but we are dangerously close to the holiday season. Stock up on our latest holiday designs while you still can (some of you need this one.)

• Read this on your lunch break: My Weekends with the Dead.

• This video breaking down what US Presidents would look like today blew my absolute mind. Martin Van Buren could get it 👀👀

• Is there anyone doing it better than Bill Burr right now? Need him to host SNL every weekend.

• British brain rot is even less incomprehensible than America’s. I’m convinced every British person drops the accent the second we’re not around.

• What happens when novels speak a language only a corner of the Internet gets? Good things IMO (where my novel heads at???)

• I miss the good ol’ days of American politics, when presidents would drunk dial their dead boss’s widows and say they’ll spank them if they don’t say good-bye before the holidays. Simpler times. PS - this account is a gold mine.