The Daily Friday: Monday 11/25

It’s a short week. LFG. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart today.

1. Gladiator II and Wicked both crush opening weekends, respectively bringing in $55M and $114M, a record for a Broadway musical adaptation. We are currently holding space for ourselves to learn what holding space means 🙏🏻

2. The Costco Guys and Rizzler made their pro wrestling debut, which is a sentence I never thought I’d write. Love that Rizzler shows up to school Monday after something like this and has to sit through long-division. What a life.

3. Matt Gaetz will not rejoin Congress after failed AG bid, but he will join Cameo. Going from a Cabinet spot to competing with Kevin from The Office and Carol Baskin is tough, but someone’s gotta do it. Good luck.

4. Macy’s delays Q3 earnings after one employee hid $154M in expenses with ‘erroneous accounting practices.’ Can’t imagine how brutal that person’s Sunday Scaries were yesterday. Brutal start to the week.

5. Today begins World Chess Championship, a best-of-14 matchup between China’s Ding Laren, the defending champion and Gukesh D, an Indian teenage phenom. I’ll be watching closely to make no one is using anal beads #notahero

But first, in more breaking news: we dropped some fire new apparel designs and are offering 25% off everything on the shop. Get ‘em while they’re hot.

NFL: Will Leavis finally won a game but still somehow managed to become a meme again. Almost feel bad for him at this point.

Yes, the Bears lost in heartbreaking fashion but at least a fan learned how a Koozie worked yesterday. Wasn’t a total loss across the board.

Someone check on Scott Hanson after that insane witching hour yesterday, with the Commanders, Texans, Bears and Panthers all losing in ridiculous finishes. He could barely get through the Octo-Box intro, not sure how he managed the entire day.

Disgusting act of cultural appropriation from non-Italian Baker Mayfield yesterday.

HERO BALL: Mike Tirico tears his Achilles, still announces through the pain on Sunday night. Weekly reminder that he is apparently not black.

NCAAF: Bill Belichick stuns in new photo at LSU game, reveals big honking milkers through skin-tight purple top.

LOT of shake-ups in the CFP rankings coming this week, after Indiana gets molly-whopped by Ohio State, Colorado blows their chance at the Big 12 title, Bama gets clapped, and BYU blows it (imagine if they pulled off this Hail Mary though?)

Wild stat: Kansas becomes only team sub .500 team to ever beat 3 straight ranked opponents. Feel free to share that one at the water cooler today.

HS FOOTBALL:  This touchdown was insane. That’s a Greg Jennings in Madden level performance right there.

NBA: The Minnesota announcers were throwing so much shade at Jaylen Brown during his hot start that you almost have to respect it.

Wonderful selection of font from the Sixers’ social media team. They are so cheeks this year, they might as well lean into it completely.

ALMOST RIKI’D

Riki is our new favorite canned mixed drink, Soon, it’ll be yours too. 

Here’s two main reasons:

1. Riki Gets You Drunk: Each drink is 7% ABV, giving you way more bang for your buck. If you’re not a math guy, that’s equivalent to 1.5 shots per can, 2.5 shots per tall boy, and 1 bottle of alcohol per 12 pack. That’s 55% higher ABV than High Noon! Pretty damn good. 

2. Riki Tastes Delicious: Riki’s made with award-winning Breckenridge Distillery spirits (vodka and tequila) and is chock-full of all-natural fruit juice in every sip. Scrumptious. 

So, what are you waiting for?

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

South Korean man will face jail time after he tried to avoid mandatory military service by binge-eating. I don’t care if he got caught, that’s still a genius idea.

Police find a garden gnome made entirely out of MDMA during drug bust. Ok, and? If they raid my apartment, they will find a human man made entirely of MDMA. Big whoop.

Elton John reveals that he has gone blind in his right eye after an infection. I’ll be honest, I thought he was blind this entire time. Sunglasses confuse me.

I’m calling for an end to all look-alike contests, unless it’s one for ‘my ex girlfriend’s new boyfriend Derek’ that’s held in my apartment so I can steal his skin and take back the life I deserve shake that man’s hand and tell him to appreciate what he has.

MONDAY MOVE

This one was controversial, but I’m gonna have to go ahead and give it a thumbs up. As long as you’re not holding up the pace of play, there’s really nothing better than ripping a few post-corners and banging out some toe taps while you’re on the course.

Side-note: someone should invent a more portable football. Tossing the pigskin around with the fellas is one of the true joys in life, but the football itself can be hard to transport. Pocket sized ball that blows up to be real-sized would change everything.

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STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• This dude breaks down for his wife how the AFC West is like the Kardashians and I gotta say, it’s pretty spot on. Kudos.

• Read this on your lunch break: Chasing a Waymo into the Future.

• I’m sorry Ian Rappaport, but this was actually pretty funny. Live a little, bud.

• Enjoyed this read on the promise of Duolingo. They really need a version for people who are visiting a country for like 5 days and just want to know how to order food and say “sorry, I’m American.”

• The quote-tweets on this are incredible. I will never forget the ‘Day in my life as 28 year old in Chicago.” Tik-Toks last forever 🤝🤝

• Very good video from Macy Gilliam and Morning Brew on the Jaguar reboot.

• Somehow stumbled across Lil Dicky’s original music video Ex Boyfriend and it’s an absolute banger. Take a nice ride through the rest of his music videos this afternoon and coast into the short week.