The Daily Friday: Monday 11/4

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It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart today.

1. RIP to Peanut the Squirrel, a social media star who was brutally euthanized by the NY cops after his owner/best friend’s house was raided over the weekend. This is the biggest tragdy since Harambe #neverforget.

2. Jason Kelce spikes phone of PSU student who called Travis homophobic slur. Must’ve been a tough call to the parents for that kid. “Mom you don’t have Twitter right? Good. So, I dropped my phone in the toilet, I need a new one.”

3. Saints fire their head coach Dennis Allen after loss to Panthers. Honestly a little offensive to Bryce Young that coaches get fired when they lose to him, but a win’s a win. If they cut Carr, Michael Thomas might stop tweeting.

4. TGI Fridays officially files for bankruptcy and I hope they serve endless apps in heaven 🙏🏻 First Red Lobster, now this? I’m radicalized against private equity and that’s not because my ex-gf is dating a guy at Blackstone.

5. The election is tomorrow. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

YOUR ELECTION GUIDE

It’s not an exaggeration to say that tomorrow is one of the biggest days in American history. In a razor close race with everything on the line, only one question remains: will the Cowboys be buyers or sellers at the NFL trade deadline?

There is also a presidential election. YOUR QUESTIONS ANSWERED.

Who’s Going to Win?

No one has a clue.

Polling has become hard to trust (who is answering a landline and telling a stranger their vote anyways?) and is even harder this time around, as 48% of Gen Z voters say they have lied about who they plan to vote for.

However, over the weekend, a poll showed Kamala winning Iowa, a state that Trump originally dominated. While experts disagree on how much weight to give the poll and Trump leads in other polls, it does mean chaos is on the table.

If you follow the gamblers, as of last week 64% of bettors were hammering Trump ML, though a lot of that action was from 4 large whales, include one dude in France who put $30M (his entire net worth) on DJT. Following the Iowa poll, Trump still leads, though his odds have slimmed.

What Happens If They Tie?

If both Kamala and Trump get 269 electoral votes, the election will got to the House of Representatives, where each state gets a vote. First to 26 wins, straight up.

If it’s tied at 25-25, the VP, who is selected by the Senate, resolves the tie. If THAT can’t happen, then the Speaker of the House is President. Got it? Good.

If politics hired the NFL scriptwriters, this would absolutely go down. Season 59 of USA Elections has crazyyy twists.

Has Anything Crazy Gone Down in the Last Week?

Obviously. Kamala went on SNL last night (perhaps illegally?) Hours of tapes were released with Jeffrey Epstein calling Donald Trump his ‘best friend of 10+ years’ and having intimate knowledge of the White House. A squirrel was killed by police (RIP Peanut) and RFK Jr. said he’d get rid of fluoride in water. Another day in paradise.

How Long Will It Take to Declare A Winner?

At least a few days. While 48% of people have already voted early, there is obviously tons of noise, especially online, about voter fraud. Each state will take their time.

In 2020, the winner wasn’t called until the Saturday after the election, which would suck. If the presidential winner hits in the middle of this CFB slate, I’ll be pissed.

How Do I Follow Along?

Each network will be gunning for your eyeballs, but Peacock is bringing the most heat, bringing back their Olympics broadcast format to deliver RedZone for politics. Sign me up (can I borrow someone’s login?)

NFL: The latest viral TD celebration comes from none other than Incarnate Ward. I would absolutely snap my neck doing this.

Quick message for Saquon, since I know he’s reading this. This move was very solid. Personally, I would’ve run over those last two guys and taken it to the house, but you’re just learning, lil bro. Keep it up though, you remind me of myself at that age. 🙏🏻

The Pats may have lost in OT to the Titans, but this Drake Maye TD was absurd.

This Daniel Jones stat is shocking. You almost have to respect how bad he sucks.

NBA: Congrats to Vince Carter, who got his jersey retired in Toronto and became the newest meme format. The two best ways to get remembered forever.

Rudy Goebert is terrified of Russell Westbrook and I can’t say I blame him.

Turns out Drake is a little pissed that DeMar DeRozan was in the Kendrick video.

I’ll never forgive Joel Embiid for what he did to Mitchell Robinson, but I’m on his side in this altercation with a reporter in the locker room. That’s too far.

NCAAF: Lotttt of upsets this weekend with huge playoff implications, as 3 teams in the top 12 fall (Clemson, A&M, Iowa State.) First playoff rankings come out tomorrow 👀

Jesus Christ, these cops absolutely went off on Florida fans. Felt a tad unnecessary.

MLB: Shoutout to the Padres prospect from the DR who pretended to be 14 years old when he was actually 19 (and got $4M!) He played for the 12u team when he was 17 years old. Diabolical.

MONDAY MOVE

Generational move. From now one, I’m only taking career advice from CBTM. See you at the top.

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STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• It’s Monday. We dropped a ton of new designs on our site (you can’t go wrong with The Rizzler on Fallon) PLUS there’s free shipping. Treat yourself.

• Read this on your lunch break: How the term ‘Chat’ has moved from online to the real world.

• Started watching Sock Puppet Master, the account that animates DUI body-cam arrest footage, and lost track of time. Amazing content (my personal favorite right here.)

• Who’s afraid of Gen Alpha Queens? I am.

• I always fucking knew that dentists were crooks and this article proves it. Send them all to the gulag.

• Turns out the hypothetical Infinite Monkey Theorem might be wrong and the Earth will die before monkeys write Hamlet. I mean, yeah. Kinda believe that.

• Pour one out for my homie who just got apprentice-zoned. Hate to see it.