It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart.
Rob Reiner and wife Michele found dead in their home, a sad ending for the legendary actor and owner of the greatest opening directorial run ever. RIP.
Fernando Mendoza wins the Heisman, the first time a Hoosier has won and the 7th (!) time in 10 years a transfer has won the award. Runner up Diego Pavia kept it classy as always. Let’s remember our digital footprint, fellas.
Marijuana expected to be reclassified as Schedule III drug, leads to rally in cannibis stocks. New budgeting spin-zone: I’m not “spending all my money on drugs,” I’m “investing to support a nascent, high-growth potential industry.”
FBI thwarts planned terrorist attack in LA on NYE, a positive note after an awful weekend of news including a shooting at Brown, and a terrorist attack in Australia that was stopped by a civilian tackling and disarming a gunman. Hero.
Minnesota Wild land the coveted Quinn Hughes in one of the biggest NHL trades ever, crushing our dream of all 3 Hughes brothers playing together in NJ. Would’ve been more electric than the movie with all 4 Baldwin brothers.
NFL: Philip Rivers plays his dick off, nearly leads Colts to incredible upset before the Seahawks pulled off a game-winning FG. He’s still the coolest HS football coach ever.
This play was actually hilarious, but really the only time he looked like a 44 year old who hadn’t played competitive football in 5 years. Honestly incredible.
Myles Garret gets 1.5 sacks, is now just 1 sack away from breaking Strahan’s record with 3 games left. Please no one tell Mark Gastineau. Not sure what he’ll do.
Add ‘elite run blocker’ to all the weapons that Drake Maye has in his arsenal (arm strength, mobility, chiseled jaw, twinkle in his eye, etc.)
Big week for Dr. James Andrews as both Micah Parsons and Patrick Mahomes seemingly tear their ACLs, ending the season. I guess this is actually a good thing for the Chiefs??
NBA: Steph Curry dropped 48 points on 12 3PMs, but nothing was as impressive as this shot. Legitimately how do you even do that?
The LeBron-Dillon Brooks beef that has been simmering for years finally boiled over. I’ll take the guy who’s still getting chase-down blocks at age 41.
Knicks and Spurs will face off tomorrow night for the highest known honor in the NBA…the champion of the NBA Cup (unless the Knicks lose, then who gives a fuck?)
WRESTLING: John Cena loses by submission in his final WWE match, taps out to Gunther. End of an era. Rest easy, brother.
Cena thinking about how many bad rom-com/action movies he’s about to go make for the next 15 years
SOCCER: Honestly, I completely understand where these Messi fans in India are coming from. I’d be pissed too and also, it looks super fun to trash a stadium like that.
HS FOOTBALL: Hard to pick between which state championship ending was more incredible - this Hail Mary lateral or this early celebration that led to an all-time collapse. Just remarkable stuff.
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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
GameStop said it accepted more than 80k items its “Trade Anything Day,” including a live bobcat, a goose, and a Wii Netflix disc. What, no one brought a partridge in a pear tree and 8 maids-a-milking??? (dibs btw)
8 maids a milking, 9 ladies dancing, 12 drummers drumming… wild how the ‘12 Days of Christmas’ song forces you to accept human trafficking as a realistic gift to get your true love
A man is suing a casino after waking up in security handcuffed to a table with $75k in gambling debt that he does not remember accumulating. Wait, you can sue someone for that? I’d be like $750k richer right now if I knew that.
I feel like you gotta just chalk a night that like up the game, ya know?
Dick Van Dyke turns 100 years old, celebrates with a flash mob dancing to a medley of his songs at his home, says “a century is not enough.” Ya know what, I agree. Let the dude live forever, he genuinely deserves it.
do yourself a favor and Google “Dick Van Dyke porpoises.” He’s just a genuinely whimsical and happy man. I love him
Who's Having the Best Monday?
MONDAY MOVE
We’ve all had a toast phase from time to time. Nothing quite like it. Initially I was picturing this bad boy as a phase in your life where you eat toast a lot (mix in jams, some butter, little cinammon sugar if you’re feeling bad) but I’m now realizing this could also refer to a phase in life where you give a lot of toasts. That would also be sick.
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STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Everywhere you looked this year, you saw one thing: bald, shiny heads. A full blown investigation into the Year of Bald.
Read this on your lunch break: Can Jollibee Beat American Fast Food at Its Own Game?
“The last time Philip Rivers took the field, there was no such thing as computers” is an all-time quote. Just a perfect video from the boys.
Hammer our mailbag with some questions so we can help save your life before the year ends, loyal readers. Catch up on all our past mailbags here.
How How the Grinch Stole Christmas Stole Christmas is not only the best titled article of the year, but has some INSANE anecdotes, including how a guy who trained SEALS to endure torture had to help Jim Carrey get through 8 hours of make-up a day.
I need to get cheated on ASAP so I can channel my pain into great art like this lady. I’m actually so serious.
It’s Monday. Time to attack the week like prime Darren Sproles. Size doesn’t matter. Only heart does (and inheriting generational wealth if you’re lucky.)
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