The Daily Friday: Monday 12/16

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s everything you need to know to sound smart.

1. Drones continue to be spotted in NJ and conspiracy theories continue to hit the Internet (this one I may actually believe.) Nobody panic - it’s probably just disgruntled Giants fans practicing to fly more banners.

2. Travis Hunter wins Heisman award, narrowly defeating Ashton Jeanty in the tightest voting finish since 2009 (justice for Ashton.) I hope everyone joined me in celebrating him at the bar this weekend.

3. Luigi Mangione hires a defense attorney who is married to Diddy’s top lawyer. Dinner conversations must be incredible at that home. Guarantee you that in 30 years, their children will be the biggest reality stars on the planet.

4. Josh Allen scores 4 TDs, continues incredible run since Hailee Steinfeld engagement. The lesson? The only thing separating you from becoming an NFL MVP is the love of an iconic pop star. Tate McRae - open up your DMs pls.

5. Tokyo government introduces 4-day work week for employees, in order to help fix declining birth rates. An entire nation having a dry streak so bad that everyone gets the day off work is incredible.

And in more breaking news…the 12 Days of Suckdown Sales on AlmostFriday.shop end today with an extra special deal: 40% off EVERYTHING on site. Get yours nows.

NFL: NFL RIGGED. Clock pauses during final seconds of Saints-Commanders, giving New Orleans enough time to score (before failing to convert the 2 pointer and losing.) If you have Washington -6.5, you should be entitled to financial compensation.

Colts invent new ways to lose, as Jonathan Taylor drops the ball before crossing the goal-line to negate a TD and a trick-play gone wrong leads to back-breaking TD.

Patrick Mahomes goes down late in Chief’s win over Cleveland, with Carson Wentz stepping in to finish the game. If he leads the Chief’s to a Super Bowl in the year Nick Foles retires, the scriptwriters all deserve promotions.

NCAAB: In awe of the fake travel agent who scammed George Mason out of $100k for a trip to a tournament in the Bahamas. There’s no limit to what you can accomplish in life if you simply abandon shame from your mindset.

Rutgers’ Dylan Harper drains game winning 3 to beat Seton Hall. Incredible shot but still wasn’t as cool as his brother Ron Harper Jr.’s in 2021. The clutch gene is genetic.

This move was insane. Respect. If my girl had a handle like that, I’d quit my job immediately and start preparing for life as a trophy boyfriend.

NHL: Glue guy of the year? Ottawa emergency backup goalie Zachary Dietz runs to stadium carrying his full equipment bag after a last-second injury to starting goalie.

LET’S LUCY

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Personally, I like to go with the Wintergreen 6mg pouches. Nothing brings me greater peace in life than lying on the couch after a long day of working sorta hard, popping a couple in, and re-watching Always Sunny for the 200th time. It just soothes me.

Warning: this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Scientists release images recreating the physical impact of having just 6 hours of sleep a night and I need to get a LOT less this sleep. This is the perfect body type.

UK pastor apologizes after telling class of 10 year olds that Santa is not real and their parents give them toys. This feels like the opening scene of a Hallmark Christmas movie where the priest realizes the true meaning of Christmas is consumerism. I’d watch.

Wyoming man pulled over by police for having too many Christmas lights on his car. Who pulled him over, Officer Grinch? Fined for too much Christmas cheer is insane.

MONDAY MOVE

Such a move. Personal favorite moment here is the aerial view to oversee the pizza making process. So essential to watch over things to make sure it goes smoothly.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Reminder that even if you think that your Monday sucks, it’s still not as hard as this Innuit dude’s day to day. I know ‘connecting with nature’ is cool and all, but this just looks so boring and cold. Couldn’t handle it.

• Read this on your lunch break: The Premiere of the First Commercially Streaming AI-Generated Movie.

• WILD story from this girl whose identical twin sister died 5 years ago, but she pretened to be both of them so you wouldn’t have to crush her grandparents.

• Was the Harris campaign a broad scale MLM? Kind of! 

• Shoutout to the guy who ran 700 miles to make viral art on Strava. That’s probably double my lifetime mileage count, just for one dancing man. Worth it.

• I could listen to Xavier Legette talk for hours, especially about eating raccoons.