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It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart.
CFP bracket is set, as Tulane and JMU find their way in (huge day for NJ kids who had 3.1 GPAs in high school) and Notre Dame throws a hissy fit after getting snubbed, declines to play in a bowl. Rudy would be ashamed.
Paramount launches hostile takeover bid for WBD, as the Ellisons submit a $100B offer to beat a Netflix proposal that may not pass antitrust scrutiny. Real-life Succession is heating up. Need to see this scene next.
A pipe burst at the Louvre, damaging 300 to 400 books and journals from an Egyptian antiquity department. They really can’t catch a break. At least they were safe from custard and apple crumb protests. It’s the little things.
Jeff Kent is voted into MLB Hall of Fame, as Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds fail in their bids, won’t appear on the ballot until 2031. Jeff was a great Survivor player but teams literally walked Bonds to face Kent. Come on.
Australia’s social media ban for kids under age 16 will begin on Wednesday, as children and teens will be prohibited from having accounts on major platforms. There goes my dream of an Australian Rizzler.
QUICK REMINDER: we’re breaking out our world famous Mailbag. You ask us questions, we answer them, you have your entire life fixed. Catch up on our previous versions here for a vibe.
NCAAF: Mendoza post-game interview after beating Ohio State in the Big 10 championship is going in the clip Hall of Fame. Might be the most wholesome Heisman winner since Tebow.
He’s going to look great in Jets green
Popping over to the FCS: a Montana State RB started fighting his own coach and teammate after a win over Yale in the playoffs. It just means more.
NFL: The Ravens losing to the Steelers after this TD got called back is an absolute tragedy. One of the worst things to happen to Baltimore since Dukie became a junkie in The Wire Season 3 (spoilers.)
I’m not sure how Julie Ertz’s husband survived this hit. Brutal.
Joe Burrow double-tapped the snap button while playing Madden and had the worst pick of the season. Been there before brother.
Most impressive physical feats of the week: this Puka catch, Cam Ward with the greatest incompletion of the season, and this hit on Rashee Rice (all time caption.)
Jameis Winston is going to be the greatest analyst of all-time after his career is over. How do you not run through a wall after this speech?? I know Terry Bradshaw had no idea who was Jameis and who was Strahan all day.
NBA: This was horrible. Desmond Bane could have killed our sweet OG. There’s no room for that in our beautiful game.
This was one of the funniest clips I’ve seen this decade. So blatant
Pat Spencer going from greatest college lax player ever (his highlight tape is insane) to becoming an X-factor on the Warriors puts him in Deion/Bo Jackson territory for multi-sport stars. Tim Tebow is in last place FWIW. I could watch these edits all day.
LeBron scored 10 straight points to close out the Sixers last night. Time to start that streak back up again.
The crowd at the Blazers - Grizzlies game got a free comedy show with their basketball tickets. Some Three Stooges type of shit.
CBB: Calipari’s rant about how old college basketball players are right now is hilarious. Using NIL for your first wife’s alimony is kind of the dream tbh.
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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
NEW HEIST OF THE YEAR ALERT: a man stole a grape-sized Faberge egg worth $20k, swallowed it, and then shit it out of his butt 6 days later while in the presence of police officers. That’s kind of the perfect way to spend a week, tbh.
God, that’s gotta feel incredible coming out
Timothee Chalamet is addicted to perfectly executed press tours, pulls off a perfect Soulja Boy dance on stage. He may be the first ever back-to-back White Boy of the Year. Arguably more impressive than winning an Oscar.
He’s the only guy alive who could pull of the Mr. Tumnus look. Takes a special man
Long Island residents are officially outspending entire European nations on OnlyFans, clearing Greece, Israel and Italy in total spend. Yeah, this very much tracks.
These men are stimulating the sex worker economy in ways we haven’t seen since Charlie Sheen. We should be thanking them, not mocking them.
Anyone else kind of jealous of this customer who got ROCKED by a brigade of shopping carts that were accidentally pushed down an escalator by a grocery store worker? They are about to secure a bag that could create generational wealth.
This might be the new Boston cop slide video for me
Who's Having the Best Monday?
MONDAY MOVE
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
I’m still trying to wrap my head around why Tarantino hates Paul Dano so much, but I gott admit - his top 10 movies of the 21st century are pretty strong.
Read this on your lunch break: The Life and Death of Hollywood.
Woman who’s Spotify Listening Age is 75 was a banger.
The Tune of Things asks the question: is consciousness God? Good afternoon read.
Another ‘30 year old roommates mic’d up’ has graced the timeline, just days after this banger. We truly have it all.
Imagine catching a Hail Mary to win the state championship and then showing up to school the next day?
Don’t make me keep asking you to submit questions for our mailbag. I feel like an HR rep trying to get you to complete your sexual harassment training.
It’s Monday. Let’s attack the week like prime Cris Carter. GOAT.
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