The Daily Friday: Monday 12/9

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s everything you need to know to sound smart.

1. CFB releases their first 12-team playoff, with SMU getting the final spot over ‘Bama, whose AD was very butt-hurt (get over it, you lost 3 conference games.) Next time, put Chalamet on the committee. Dude knows ball.

2. Taylor Swift’s Eras tour comes to an end after nearly 2 years, 152 shows and over $2.2 billion in total earnings. That’s at least two Ukrainian aid packages. If she keeps the tour going, Zelensky can be president forever.

3. Jay-Z accused in civil lawsuit with Diddy for sexual assault of a 13-year-old girl in 2000. Buckle up - these lawsuits are going to keep coming with tons of celebrities being implicated. Truly the Epstein of the music industry.

4. Notre Dame cathedral re-opens in Paris, hosts first Mass since fire nearly destroyed it in 2019. Let’s hope it doesn’t get destroyed by Indiana University Cathedral next week. Would be a bit anti-climactic.

5.  Soto signs with the Mets in record contract, locking in $765M over 15 years. Finance tip: eat every meal at Dave & Buster’s, rack up points for gameplay and you’ll win at least 100 X-Box’s. Make your money work for you.

NFL: Personally I blame Jason Kelce for the Philly’s poor performance yesterday. Flipping the Eagles car is just bad ju-ju.

They can’t keep getting away with it. Chiefs beat the Chargers with last second doink FG to clinch the AFC West and the worst point differential by any 12-1 team by FAR.

The Giants would have killed for a doink FG, as Graham Gano gets his kick to send the game to OT blocked. Malik Nabers, just come clean: we know the banner was you.

NCAAF: Georgia backup Gunner Stockton will be getting a lot more playing time (assuming he survived this hit) after Carson Beck reportedly will miss the playoffs with a torn UCL in his Snapchat sending arm.

Thank god we get to watch ASU’s Cam Skattebo during the playoffs. Mike Altott 2.0

Heisman finalists are named tonight and they need to add the true freshman Clemson kicker who nailed a 56 yarder for the ACC title. Travis Hunter’s gonna win anyways, might as well spice it up.

NHL: Don’t see the big deal with Tom Wilson’s face. I get just as swollen after my weekend routine (48 IPAs, McDonalds for every meal, zero water) and don’t see me complaining.

Teddy Bear Night is getting feisty in the minor leagues, as top prospect Michael Mila got suspended for throwing a teddy back into the crowd and a full brawl broke out mid-teddy bear toss in Ottowa. SCENES.

NBA: Brandon Miller made the Hornets announcer go full Gus Johnson mode with this insane dunk last night.

NCAAB: Always incredibly impressed by the students at Taylor University silent night. What happens if you see a reasonably attractive woman and have to start muttering Hummina Hummina Hummina AWWOOOOOGA? How do you resist that urge?

HAPPY TUGGSMAS

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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Stumbled across Siyaram Baba, an Indian dude who locals say is 188 years old. Wow. If he can hold out for two more years, he’ll finally be old enough to fight Jake Paul.

Teacher bans bathroom breaks, forces 1st graders to piss and shit their pants in class. She def watched Billy Madison and got the entirely wrong message. It happens.

Nice try, NYPD but you’re going to have to do a lot better than a ‘look-alike contest’ to catch the United CEO assassin. What’s next, a ‘murder weapon look alike’ contest?

MONDAY MOVE

Another masterful video breakdown from Bobby on this one. Nothing like stuffing your face and never actually working out but claiming it’s ‘bulking’ to feel better about yourself. Just plays a little better.

THE 12 DAYS OF SUCKDOWN SALES

The 12 Days of Suckdown Sales continue to march on. Today’s focus - the Rare Fish collection from our good friends at Entrapranure. 40% off, 24 hours only. Let’s rock.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• There’s really no one doing it like Bill Simmons right now. GOAT.

• Read this on your lunch break: Turn Off the Captions on Stand-Up Specials.

• Ariana Grande and Cynthia Evro responded to the viral ‘holding space’ Wicked interview and admit they had no idea what was happening.

• Kinda sick - new study shows that ancient barbarians used to snort stimulants before going into battle with Roman soldiers.

• This is definitely the best way to determine the top meme of 2024. Of course the Rizzler pulled that shit out. You already know.

• It’s Monday. Enjoy a nice breeze through the Top 50 Airplane movies of all time. Need them to rank the best movies to watch on an airplane next (Oppenheimer is #1 obviously.)