The Daily Friday: Monday 2/17

Happy President’s Day. Here’s everything you need to know to sound smart.

1. NBA and NHL All-Star events went down this weekend, and I’m giving the W to hockey by a landslide. 3 fights in the first 9 seconds is tough to beat. My message to the NBA: lets Kevin Hart stick to sports and not hosting.

2. Grocery stores introduce egg rations, limit customers to a dozen per person. First the toilet paper shortage, now this. It’s becoming simply unaffordable to vandalize your enemy’s homes these days.

3. Tennis world #1 Jannik Sinner gets 3 month ban after failing two steroid tests, will be back in time for the Australian Open. The lesson here: doing steroids is always worth it. Legalize them please.

4. SNL’s 50th Anniversary Special aired last night, with a laundry list of former cast members and celebrities returning to share the stage, including Jack Nicholson’s first public appearance in years. Wish Norm had made it too.

5. New Captain America tops box office, opens to $192.4M despite lowest critic rating ever for a Marvel movie. Justice for Paddington in Peru, which was a true delight. Send him to Miami for the next one. Let’s get him some ass.

NBA: Greatness achieved: Mac McClung secures 3rd straight dunk contest victory. Someone give this man a full time roster spot just for keeping this entire contest alive. Might have to move him up our best dunks lineup. 

The real winner of the All-Star weekend was this 18 year old fan who beat Dame in a shooting contest and won $100k. Lucky kid can now afford 2 semesters of college.

COLLEGE HOOPS: Modern problems require modern solutions. Wofford center bumps free throw-shooting from 30% to 60% by improving the Rick Barry style and banking in underhand free throws.

Nebraska coach fucks his hand up punching a whiteboard at halftime, team storms back from down 20 to beat Northwestern. Implementing this tactic tonight for the team of 8 years I coach as part of my court ordered community service and also one has a hot nanny to give back to the game I love🙏🏻.

RACING: Frankie Muniz finished in 11th place at the Daytona truck series race. Arguably more impressive than his entire Malcom in the Middle run.

NFL: Justice served: Jonathan Martin admits that the story that Richie Incognito bullied him was made up by his mom. Funny the same thing happened to me in 5th grade, but I was being bullied by my mom and the entire grade and some of the teachers too. Actually, it’s not that similar at all, just needed to vent.

Eagle parade was absolute cinema. Saquon if you ever lift me like this in front of the hoes, we’re gonna have an issue. Please lift me much higher like the rag-doll I am.

LET’S LUCY

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Personally, I like to go with the Wintergreen 6mg pouches. Nothing brings me greater peace in life than lying on the couch after a long day of working sorta hard, popping a couple in, and re-watching Always Sunny for the 200th time. It just soothes me.

Warning: this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Right-wing influencer Ashley St. Clair claims she has given birth to Elon’s 13th child, as rumors swirl that he has a failed penis implant and has had sex 13 times.

Police are baffled by appearance of a loose seal on the streets of New Haven, Connecticut, but I’m not. He obviously saw his dad’s Super Bowl commercial and was trying to hunt him down. It’s a tale as old as time.

Benny Blanco says he is terrified that Selena Gomez will wake up one day, realize what he looks like, and leave him. It’s ok, Helen Keller’s husband was scared of the same thing (if you actually believe in that crap.)

MONDAY MOVE

Extremely visionary move here. This is just a masterclass in utilizing the resources at your disposal to improve your quality of life in meaningful ways. Doesn’t get more gritty than that. Respect 🫡 

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Hope everyone’s Valentine’s Day weekend was better than Billy’s. Taking away iPad time should be a crime punishable by 10 years hard labor.

• Read this on your lunch break: A ‘True Crime’ Documentary series has Hundreds of Millions of Views. The Murders Are All AI-Generated.

• Very glad that Zach Woods decided to have this conversation about the Salem witches. Extremely important in today’s day and age.

• Silence Brand! A deep dive on DuoLingo murdering its mascot.

• I have no idea how Playdate Pod keeps churning out sayings that don’t exist, but their most reason batch was electric. Well done, team.

• It’s Monday. If you have to work today, go ahead and crush this Ringer article on the 50 best SNL sketches, according to the people who made them. Good way to kill 4-7 hours.