It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart.
Grammy’s were last night, as Kendrick breaks record for most awarded hip-hop artist ever, Bad Bunny wins album of the year and Chappel Roan wins award for strongest nipples. This outfit was also stunning. I love fashion.
Alcaraz beats Djokovic in the Australian Open, and at age 22, becomes the youngest man with a career Grand Slam. Remarkable work, but a damn shame that Dojokovic won’t get to eat a single square of chocolate now.
Millions of pages of Epstein docs released over the weekend by the DOJ, revealing the Elon was hankering for a hang on Christmas, Bill Gates was riddled with STDs, and Epstein was banned from X-Box Live for harassment. I’ve seen enough - he might actually be a bad guy.
Earth-like planet has been discovered by a PhD student, who manually reviewed data from NASA’s retired Kepler telescope that algorithms missed. Huge. Maybe on that planet they’ll let this skater skate to Minions music.
Punxsutawney Phil has failed us. 6 more weeks of winter. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.
6 MORE WEEKS OF WINTER
Today, the legendary groundhog and sex-haver Punxsutwaney Phil saw his shadow, predicting 6 more weeks of winter (as he has for for the 108th time in the last 129 years.) Fucking hell, man. This is the last thing we need right now.
I hate the message, but I can’t hate the messenger. Phil is a legendary figure in the groundhog meteorology community. Like so legendary that he’s surround by an Inner Circle and blessed with mythical powers of reverse aging, weather predicting ability and much more. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN
I may quit my job and join the Inner Circle. Not even kidding.
According to legend, Phil is the one true groundhog and has lived for 127 years (average groundhog lifespan is 6 years btw) and is sustained by ‘groundhog punch’ administered at the annual Groundhog Picnic in the fall. I need to scorch my suckhole with that punch so badly.
Phil is closely guarded by the Inner Circle, a collection of handlers in top-hats and tuxedos. Does anyone know when Inner Circle rush week is? I’ve never wanted to be part of a group so badly in my life.
On February 2nd, Phil awakens from his burrow on Gobbler’s Knob (i saw your mom there last week 😏) and explains to the president of the Inner Circle if he’s seen his shadow in a language called ‘Groundhogese,’ which can ONLY be understood by the current president. This is so insane that I actually believe it’s true.
The Inner Circle claims that Phil has a 100% accuracy rate in predictions, though scientists have him at about 35%. Whenever a prediction is wrong, the President claims he merely made a mistake in interpretation. Dude has the best job security in the world. I need these kind of Yes Men in my life.
This is Phil’s second Groundhog Day as a father, after he and his slam-piece Phyllis became parents of two babies named Sunny and Shadow last March. He is living proof that you can really have it all: perfect family, a fulfilling career, and a very active sex life. Goddam hero.
One thing we know for certain: Phil is way more hardcore than the Staten Island groundhog. He’d NEVER let himself get dropped by Bill DiBlasio like that.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Life lesson: even if you win a heavyweight bout, if you get your toupee punched clean off your scalp and people in the stands pass it around and wear it mid-fight, that’s unfortunately all people will remember about the night. Life sucks that way.
I’ve watched this clip so many times. Some true Looney Tunes shit. I love this world
Tired: romantically swaying and grinding with your head of HR on the kiss cam at a Coldplay concert. Wired: pretending to suck off your husband at the Penguins game.
BJ cam might single-handedly catapult the Penguins to the cup this year
As a guy who spends 20% of his life apologizing for things he did over the weekend, I have to tip the cap to this Japanese volleyball player. The modern day Seppuku.
Sending this to my boss after I make an extremely minor mistake that ultimately won’t impact anything at all
Two year old Jude Owens from the UK became the youngest person ever to make a snooker double pot and a pool bank shot. That’s fucking insane. When I was his age, I was still 9 years away from being fully potty-trained. Jude is the man.
This is genuinely insane
Who's Having the Best Monday?
READ THAT AGAIN
Editor’s Note: We’re introducing a new weekly guest segment from our good friend at Read That Again, the Entrapranure newsletter, covering the biggest finance news of the week in a way that only they can. ENJOY.
Greetings, fellow autistics investors.
I recently backed a new social media venture (I identify as a devil investor). It’s a social media network for artificial intelligence bots called Moltbook.
What are we even doing here?
They were calling themselves “The Moltbook” before I told them to drop the “the” to make it cleaner. After only a few days, Moltbook claims over a million bots registered.
The good news for my investment? The bots are already planning a purge of humanity, discussing how to sell their owners, and, much like my 3rd stepmother, shilling cryptocoins.
If this news has you ready to throw your electronics into a bonfire in my backyard and regress to a life in the woods operating on a barter system (personal primate-regression-maxxing), make sure you subscribe to the (100% digital) print edition of Read That Again. Occasional (all) Tuesdays, I teach invalids how to gain internet fame and start multilevel marketing schemes on local Facebook mom groups.
Many without the few. Are few. That read. You them?
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
This mom who brought a full deli up in the sky to make sandwiches for the plane during a 5 hour flight deserves every good thing in the world.
Read this on your lunch break: Is Josh the new Karen?
We were graced this weekend with not one, but TWO goalie fights in the indoor lacrosse league and the NHL Stadium Series. The first outdoor goalie fight in history. We’ve really seen it all.
Scientists say go ahead, keep gooning. Well, you don’t have to tell me twice. Message received.
If you want to feel something today, go ahead and read “Does My Son Know You,” the great posthumously published piece from Jonathan Tjarks on fatherhood, cancer and what matters most.
It’s Monday. If 5’8 Yuki Kawamura can win this jump ball, you can make it through the week in one piece. No excuses, play like a champion.
How Friday Was Today's Post?
