The Daily Friday: Monday 2/3

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s everything you need to know to sound smart.

1. Shocking NBA news as Luka gets traded to the Lakers in exchange for Anthony Davis and a 2029 first round pick. Really respected this move by Mavs fans. Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.

2. The Grammy’s were last night, as Kanye’s wife wore her boobs on the red carpet before they got kicked out and Kendrick’s diss track of Drake wins song of the year. Humiliation is very on trend rn. Finally I get to be part of something.

3. Trump will pause Mexican tariffs for one month after the country agrees to send 10,000 troops to the border to curb trafficking of drugs to the US. Thank god. 30 more days to eat avocados and not have to learn what tariffs are.

4. A baby shark was mysteriously born in an aquarium that only housed other female sharks. We either have an Immaculate Conception or one very proud and horny security guard father-to-be. No other explanation.

5. Punxsutawney Phil has failed us. 6 more weeks of winter. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

6 MORE WEEKS OF WINTER

Yesterday, the legendary groundhog and sex-haver Punxsutwaney Phil saw his shadow, predicting 6 more weeks of winter. Fucking hell, man. This is the last thing we need right now.

I hate the message, but I can’t hate the messenger. Phil is a legendary figure in the groundhog meteorology community. Like so legendary that he’s surround by an Inner Circle and blessed with mythical powers of reverse aging, weather predicting ability and much more. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

• According to legend, Phil is the one true groundhog and has lived for 127 years (average groundhog lifespan is 6 years btw) and is sustained by ‘groundhog punch’ administered at the annual Groundhog Picnic in the fall. I need to scorch my suckhole with that punch so badly.

• Phil is closely guarded by the Inner Circle, a collection of handlers in top-hats and tuxedos. Does anyone know when Inner Circle rush week is? I’ve never wanted to be part of a group so badly in my life.

• On February 2nd, Phil awakens from his burrow on Gobbler’s Knob (i saw your mom there last week 😏) and explains to the president of the Inner Circle if he’s seen his shadow in a language called ‘Groundhogese,’ which can ONLY be understood by the current president. This is so insane that I actually believe it’s true.

• The Inner Circle claims that Phil has a 100% accuracy rate in predictions, though scientists have him at about 35%. Whenever a prediction is wrong, the President claims he merely made a mistake in interpretation. Dude has the best job security in the world. I need these kind of Yes Men in my life.

• This is Phil’s first Groundhog Day as a father, after he and his slam-piece Phyllis became parents of two babies named Sunny and Shadow last March. He is living proof that you can really have it all: perfect family, a fulfilling career, and a very active sex life. Goddam hero.

One thing we know for certain: Phil is way more hardcore than the Staten Island groundhog. He’d NEVER let himself get dropped by Bill DiBlasio like that.

PS - we also experienced our own Groundhog Day yesterday. Like clockwork.

SIZE MATTERS***

You shouldn’t let being broke get in the way of being awesome.

That’s why Riki invented their Tall Boys. 3 shots for $4. That’s 6 shots for $8. Hell, even 9 shots for $12 if you’re really loaded (ok Elon Musk over here.) Not a math guy, but that’s a pretty damn good deal.

Treat yourself to an entire night of fun without overdrafting your checking account. With Riki Tall boys.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Canadian man’s penis gets frozen to ground after he’s thrown to the street during an arrest. Sucks. Now he’s not gonna get any ass in jail. Usually the best place to get laid.

Experts believe a painting sold at a garage sale for $50 is a previously unknown work from Vincent Van Gogh worth $15M. As someone who spent a bitcoin on molly that ended up being meth in college (currently value $100k,) I completely understand.

Gotta respect the lady who fell in love with a Pakistani 19 y/o online, flew to meet him in person and now refuses to leave the country for anything short of $100k after he broke up with her. A woman’s gotta stand for something.

Imagine sitting behind Jaden Smith at the Grammy’s? Not only would it be impossible to see around his hat, but you’d have to practice incredible restraint not pummeling him to death for stealing Willem Defoe’s entire look. Not strong enough for that.

MONDAY MOVE

Love this new series from Bobby and Could Be the Move. Very humbled to see Yellow Yoshi is finally getting the respect he deserves.

Here’s a move for today: follow Could be the Move on YouTube. Tons more long form coming your way. Enjoy.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Today is National Golden Retriever Day. Make sure you wish all the golden retriever boyfriends out there a happy birthday.

• Read this on your lunch break: Are You Lonely? You Can Adopt a Family on Facebook Today.

• Well, well, well. Looks like video games actually are good for your mental health after all (probably.) Who’s the loser who’s wasting their life and constantly smells like Doritos and pigshit now, Sarah?

• This impression of Kamala Harris judging a cooking contest was transcendent.

• Some of the grannies in this old lady basketball league are BALLING. Hooping has no age limit.

• We put together our favorite movie drinking scenes to get you through another Monday. Enjoy.