The Daily Friday: Monday 3/10

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s everything you need to know to sound smart.

1. NFL free agency starts with a bang, as Josh Allen continues his 100 Day Hot Streak, Myles Garret will never have to worry about the playoffs, and Mike Tomlin is going to have his hands full with the Crash Out Kings.

2. SBF launches campaign to get a Trump pardon, despite donating millions to his opponents. He may have to rethink this plan, after his Tucker appearance was not approved by the prison and end in solitary confinement.

3. Details emerge about Gene Hackman and his wife’s death, as the 95 year old actor struggling with Alzheimer’s died in his home a week after his wife passed away from hantavirus. Got the feeling there’s more to this one.

4. Starliner astronauts are set to be picked up from ISS this week, after their 10-day trip turned into a 9 month stint in space. So they have no idea who the MD Foodie Boyz are? I wish I could swap places and rediscover them again.

5. An ex-Olympics snowboarder has made the FBI’s Top 10 most wanted list and garnered a $10M reward after running a multi-national drug trafficking operation. It sucks to see someone else living out both of your dreams.

Folks, we got an absolutely glorious week ahead of us. We finally have an extra hour of sunlight, Tuesday marks the 5 year anniversary of COVID quarantines (here’s how I spent mine) and Wednesday we have the return of Vankah Hours Season 2 from the Red Flags Pod. Does it get any better than that? No, it does not.

THE FLIGHT THAT GOD FORGOT

As if flying wasn’t horrifying enough these days, yet another tale of tragedy in the skies has come across my desk here at Daily Friday HQ: the international flight from Chicago to India that was turned around halfway through due to multiple clogged toilets. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

After 4.5 hours on the plane and a series of collossal dumps, 11 out of the 12 toilets had been completely clogged. That’s one toilet every 25 minutes. Not only is this incredible efficiency (sabermetrics are off the charts here) but the sheer volume alone is absurd. Airplane toilets have the suction strength of LeBron fans. Clogging one is hard (trust me, I’ve tried) but 11?? That’s Barry Bonds in 2001 stats.

When the crew realized that only one working toilet remained and they still had 10 hours left to India, the plane was turned back around to Chicago. Imagine having to take a shit in the last 3 hours of that flight? Genuinely sends a chill down my spine. Every single person on that flight would be eyeballing the fuck out of you walking in and out of that shitbox. Can’t be the one to KO the last working toilet.

There are many questions that remain after this harrowing experience. What in Rizzler’s name were they serving these people to cause such explosive shits? Were passengers still allowed to jack off in the bathrooms or did they have to just do that at their seats? How do planes work in the first place (this is a general question, unrelated to this story)???

I hope this serves as a lesson to everyone: always shit before the flight. For all of us.

THE NO-NONSENSE GROOMING BRAND FOR EVERY MAN

Hey Handsome, Nice Face You Shaved There. 

Has anyone ever said that to you? If not, it’s probably because you haven’t tried out Dollar Shave Club yet. 

Whether you’re going for a clean, close shave or keeping the beard tight, Dollar Shave Club has all the shave and grooming products you need. Always high quality, never over-priced. 

My personal favorite has gotta be the Club Series Diamond Grip Handle. With a diamond patterned grip designed for comfort and control, it’s super clingy in a good way. And once you pair with their Club Series 6 Blade Razor, what’s better than that?

Plus, if you buy today with code DAILYFRIDAY, you’ll get 20% off any purchases $20 or more

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Here we go again. Sydney Sweeney is trying to make me jealous by getting all cuddly with a co-star again. Just like the time she got engaged or when she pretended like Glenn Powell was hot. Not gonna work hon, but appreciate you trying to keep it spicy❤️ 

King Charles launches new hour-long Apple Music radio show, proving that you can be the literal King of England and still fall victim to the sickness that has infected white men for generations: the deep, ancestral need to be a DJ. It’s inescapable.

Motivation Monday: you need to be willing to do whatever it takes to achieve greatness this week, including robbing a Tiffany’s by posing as an Orlando Magic player’s representative and then swallowing $700k+ worth of jewelry. Sounds delicious.

MONDAY MOVE

Perfection. No notes (besides the notes app.)

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Thank you to Will and Eilise for giving an incredible example of what perfect communication looks like in a relationship. Masterclass.

• Read this on your lunch break: License to Shill: Inside Amazon’s 007 Takeover

• After years of trial and error, my Instagram Reels algorithm is now exclusively videos like this and this. At long last, perfection has been achieved.

• A nice, leisurely scroll through the Ringer’s Top 100 Sports Moments of the Past 25 Years is a great way to run down the clock in the cubes this afternoon.

• If you’re feeling stuck today (or every day,) just a reminder that it’s all in your head. Literally. 

• The controversy around the Telepathy Tapes, the podcast that briefly surpassed Joe Rogan for #1 and argues that nonverbal autistic people may have the ability to read minds vis ESP.

• It’s Monday. Let’s celebrate greatness and bump some Allen Iverson high school football highlights. He could’ve thrived in today’s NFL.