It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart.
Michael B. Jordan wins Best Actor at Oscars (and celebrates accordingly,) while Paul Thomas Anderson finally breaks through with multiple OBAA wins. Chalamet goes home empty handed but this might cheer him up. PS - this was the best joke of the night (after O’Leary’s fit ofc.) Conan 🐐
NCAA brackets are finally out and I can’t wait to use a printer for the first time this year. We’re finally getting Cream Abdul Jabbar on the main stage, the national debut of FINS UP and the return of Khan. Lock-in.
St. Patrick’s Day spending expected to exceed $7.7B in the US tomorrow, topping last year’s total by $700M. Can’t wait to get completely boogalooed, paralytic, and off my absolute trolley tomorrow. Sláinte.
Tensions rise worldwide around Strait of Hormuz, as US calls for global support to police the vital oil passageway. In other news, this might be one of the wilder headlines I’ve seen. Simulation might officially be broken.
Pokemon Go users unwittingly helped train AI & produce massive data-set by scanning 30 billion real world images over the years. Don’t even worry about sending me a check, Big AI. I did it for the love of the game. This one’s on me.
NCAAB: Conference tournament wrap up: this game winner from St. Louis was insane, I would personally NEVER miss a dunk like this and thank god Penn had this insane comeback to make the NCAA tournament. It’s so hard to have a career as an Ivy League grad so you gotta make these moments count.
That’s my GOAT right there. St. John’s is the best 5 seed in history and it’s not particularly close
BASEBALL: US takes down DR in insane semi-final WBC game, which included a robbed HR by Julio Rodriguez, an Aaron Judge hose-job and 56 combined All-Star appearances. Don’t look now, but baseball might be BACK back.
Shoutout to the Tennessee hitter. Even though the outfielder caught it, that’s an all-time pimp job. They can’t take that away from you.
This was hands down the greatest HBP of all time. That’s how you EAT it. Glue girl.
TENNIS: I’m sorry Alcaraz, but if you can’t win in front of Dua Lipa, what’s even the point of being good at tennis? What has it all been for?
HOCKEY: Struggling to wrap my mind around how this goal is physically possible. Wizardry.
America has officially completed our sweep of Olympic hockey, as the Paralympic team takes down Canada for gold. All-time graphic from the Team USA social team.
incredible work from the official team account. can’t believe this got through legal
LET’S WATCH HOOPS TOGETHER
It’s almost the most wonderful time of the year: tournament time. And what better way to spend it than by kicking back, sipping some delicious cocktails from Evan Williams* Game Day’s #1 Pour (Coke with Evan feels like Heaven) and watching it with your favorite crew from Friday Beers??
Join us Saturday, March 21st for a very special watch party at Losers Bar at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas and to officially be inaugurated into the most elite society known to mankind: Evan Williams Bourbon Nation™. No matter who you’re pulling for in the games, at least there’s something that will unite us. Plus, as Kentucky’s first ever distiller, you know they know what they’re doing.
We’ll start as strangers in the 1st. We’ll end as friends in the 4th. Let’s rock.
*Evan Williams Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey. Bardstown, KY. 43-45% alc./Vol. 21+ Enjoy Responsibly
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
You have to admire the ingenuity of these Tik-Tokers who have discovered that you can churn butter on your body while you go for a run. I’ve been spending tens of dollars a month on butter and had no idea there was such a simple, cost-saving solution.
I’m always asking if you can make butter while running. Finally got my answer.
Nothing but respect for the good people of Boston, who dropped $14M on OnlyFans subscriptions last year ($21k/resident!!), nearly 3x as much as the US average. Just a historic gooning performance that needs to be acknowledged.
They take their lead from their fearless king. As they should
Can’t help but be astounded by this gentleman eating a fully lit cigarette on TV. The greatest piece of cigarette-adjacent media since this ’90s Japanese Parliament commercial with Charlie Sheen. The perfect intersection of art and commerce.
Maybe the cigarette advertisement ban was smart because if I saw this as a child, I definitely would’ve been ripping darts before puberty was even a possibility
Who's Having the Best Monday?
RIP BUZZFEED
Editor’s Note: This is new weekly guest segment from our good friend at Read That Again, the Entrapranure newsletter, covering the biggest finance news of the week in a way that only they can. ENJOY.
Salutations, framemogging elite. The days of clickbait listicles and millennial-humor quizzes are coming to a flaccid end (just like the conclusion of my last board meeting).
The trad media kings of the 2010s, Buzzfeed is about to find out “7 Ways to Go Full Bankrupt.” Since its SPAC merger in 2021 at a $1.5B valuation (pocket change for my Armenian car butler), Buzzfeed shares have lost 98% of their value.
Luckily, I had the foresight (and skin) to short the stock via my offshore puppy mill/illegal trading operation the moment the Try Guys stopped trying things (they refused my letter inviting them to try me, if you know what I mean).
In a bizarre twist of fate, I now own over 51% of the brand (didn’t double check with my lawyer), which I will be rolling up into the Entrapranure media empire. From now on, expect me to speak only in lists and quizzes.
“6 things you didn’t know about your private hole(s)” will make an appearance in my Read That Again newsletter this Tuesday morning. Read it. Again.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
I strive to have the level of delusion as these men in the JFK Jr. lookalike contest. Need to introduce more blind confidence into my life.
Read this on your lunch break: The Weather-Changing Conspiracies That Won’t Go Away.
Gotta tip the cap to SNL when it’s due. This was an all-time Tucker Carlson impression by Jeremy Culhane and an elite MAHA sketch.
Great read on the Pentagon going to war with Anthropic and what’s really going on.
BREAKING: David Cross is our new HR manager. Finally, some decorum in the office.
Wait, timeout - they actually found out who Banksy was? How did I not hear about this until now?
It’s Monday. Fuck it. Best of Leon from Curb. Just to start off the week.
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