The Daily Friday: Monday 3/17

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s everything you need to know to sound smart.

1. UNC AD Bubba Cunningham gets $100k+ bonus after men’s hoops team somehow makes the tournament, overcoming challenges like being not that good at all and the fact that he was head of the selection committee.

2. Stranded US astronauts could return home on Tuesday on SpaceX craft following a 9 month delay due to issues with Boeing ship. Someone’s going to need to update them on the rise and fall of Hawk Tuah.

3. Law school applications hit all-time high, increasing 33% since last year, making it the hardest year ever to get accepted. The impact Suits had is crazy. Genuinely think it’s the most important thing Meghan Markle has ever done.

4. New York Times publishes Op-Ed detailing how the media (including them) misled the public about COVID and its origins. All good guys, I forgive you! No worries at all.

5. Mariners introduce new switch pitcher Jurrangelo Cijntje, who throws 92 MPH lefty and 95 MPH righty. Very impressive. As the world’s first switch cranker, I know first-(both)hand how challenging this it.

Happy St. Paddy’s Day to all our beautiful Daily Fridayians. I hope you’re celebrating like Rick Pitino today. At the very least, treat yourself to some merch. You deserve it.

INTERNET ICONS BRACKET

This. Is. March.

It’s tournament season and there’s really only one title that is worth winning this year: The Greatest Internet Icon of All Time.

Let your voices be heard on the Friday Beers Instagram tomorrow and vote in the stories. Democracy dies in the darkness. LET’S BREAK DOWN THE CONTESTANTS.

The Favorites: #1 The Rizzler (Brain-Rot Region); #1 Harambe (Golden Age Region)

Fans and bookmakers love an upset, but true ball-knowers understand that this is a two team tournament. Ever since Al Gore invented the Internet there have been two things proven to really stir people’s hearts online: 1) a confident, charismatic child and 2) animals that die for a greater purpose. That’s what we have here.

All signs point to an instant-classic Final Four matchup between these two heavyweights. The winner of that is almost guaranteed to take the title.

Dark Horse: #2 Bad Luck Brian (OG Internet Region)

A seasoned, veteran squad, Bad Luck Brian has been in the game for years and has the battle scars to prove it. They know who they are (a text-based meme format based on one simple concept) and never stray from it. That’s how you win in March.

Cinderella Team: #4 Supa Hot Fire (Vine Era Region)

I mean, the guy has literally never lost a rap battle or anything in life, really. He’s not going to start now, especially to a wildly over-seeded #1 21 Kid team. Easy money.

Matchup to Watch: #2 Damn Daniel vs. #3 Yodel Kid (Golden Age Region)

A battle between Ellen Show guests. While no team has a 1-2 punch like Daniel and Kid Who Says Damn Daniel, Yodel Kid’s Mason Ramsey is a one-man content factory and is on my shortlist for POY. Can he carry this plucky mid-major to a Final Four appearance?

First Four Out:

• Brain-Rot Era, Costco Guys: started out strong before opponents learned to shut down their Boom or Doom offense and conference rival The Rizzler outshone them down the stretch. They could be primed for a deep run next year if Big Justice and AJ return, but nothing is guaranteed in the NIL age.

• Golden Age, Big Dick Guy Text Message Prank: one of the most impressive hogs in human history, this specimen of a man got all of us through the early days of COVID (RIP.) This was a snub on par with West Virginia this year. The selection committee made a mistake and needs to be held accountable.

• OG Internet, Crichton Leprechaun: On today of all days, this savvy, veteran team is on the outside looking in? Anti-Irish-Alabama discrimination at its finest.

• Vine Era, Hide Yo’ Kids, Hide Yo’ Wife: Talented team that sadly led to the creation of the most commonly used WiFi name for people with no personality: Hide Yo Kids, Hide Yo Wifi. The victim of unintended consequences.

SOCO MIXES WITH EVERYTHING

Made from a one-of-a-kind blend of fruit and spices, Souther Comfort Whiskey is the ORIGINAL ready-for-anything spirit. Satisfying on its own or ideal in a mixed drink, SoCo is easy to enjoy however you drink it, and whoever you drink it with. 

When it comes to SoCo cocktails, find your comfort zone… you don’t have to be ‘fancy.’ Personally, I like to keep it simple with a SoCo Lemonade. Nothing hits the spot after a long week of working not-that-hard quite like mixing up a few of those SoCo Lem-Os, putting my feet up, and cruising right into the weekend.

No matter the moment, Southern Comfort is ready-for-anything: packed with flavor, mixes with anything, and easy to drink! We challenge all you out there to find your comfort zone – try out some Southern Comfort mix drinks and send us your favorites. We’ll include the best ones in the next newsletter 👀👀

*Southern Comfort, Spirit Whiskey with Natural Flavors and Caramel Color, 35% and 40% Alc/Vol, Sazerac Company, Louisville, KY

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

BREAKING: new thing to be absolutely terrified about just dropped. I take back all the nice things I said about viral icons earlier. The Internet was a mistake.

Sorry, but I don’t want to live in a society where you can get arrested simply for twerking with 4 of your absolute boys in the middle of traffic and shutting down a Memphis highway. Men are simply not allowed to have hobbies anymore and it’s sad.

Sunday was an all-time day to be an Italian man from North Jersey, as St. John’s and Rick Pitino wins the Big East and ex-Gambino hitman gets voted into office as a councilman after serving 14 years. I wish Tony Soprano was alive to see this.

MONDAY MOVE

Never lose sight of what’s truly important today. Never forget who you’re doing it for.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Playdate Pod’s Ways to Cancel Plans that don’t exist is an all-time banger. I sense a disturbance in the force will work 10 times out of 10.

• Read this on your lunch break: Are Men in a Spermpocalypse?

• ‘I think our new roommate is our landlord’ made me laugh a lot.

• Genuinely never thought about a March Madness bracket as something you could “invent” but a Staten Island bar and a Kentucky postal worker both claim they did. 

• Never wanted to be part of anything as much as I want to join the Bigfoot Call contest in Oklahoma. Legendary performances all around here.

• Monday Motivation: Dru Joyce didn’t let the fact that he was 4’11 and a high school freshman stop him from saving Lebron’s high school team. And you shouldn’t either.