It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart.
Airport chaos hits amid DHS shutdown, leading to accident at LGA, ICE agents stepping in and 2 hours+ lines at security (justice for Dads who want to get to the airport 11 hours early.) Once again calling for the one thing that would fix transportation in this country. Do the right thing, Congress.
Project Hail Mary brings in $141M in opening weekend, good for the best opener of any movie in 2026. Haven’t been this proud of Ryan Gosling since he saved race relations by accepting his role as a backup corner. Takes a big man.
Footage from Justin Timberlake’s DUI arrest is released & it’s pure gold. This was the best thing he’s done (and that’s coming from a huge Friends with Benefits fan.) Hot take: creating SexyBack should make you above the law.
AI compliance start up Delve accused of fraud, as the $32M company was busted fabricating reports. Making the Forbes 30 under 30 list is now an admission of guilt. This is why I’ve made the personal decision to be a failure.
Opening weekend of March Madness was absolutely electric. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.
NCAAB: I am calling on the NCAA to open an InflateGate investigation around the balls this year. Vandy would have made this shot with a normal ball and then I would also be able to pay rent this month. This impacts people’s lives.
This will haunt me forever
The last 3 possessions of the Kentucky game were some of the most electric basketball I’ve seen in years (and that’s coming from a part-time CYO coach.)
This was just beautiful production work on the Cronin-Hurley double screen. Remarkable.
I need someone to coach me up like this. I definitely don’t have it in me, but I love to when a woman yells at me in public. Genuinely.
Respect to Pitino for keeping Dylan Darling humble at the press conference after this insane game winner and also honoring him by saying he has “Godzilla Bells” for balls. Not even sure what that means, but I love it.
NBA: Thank you to the NBA production team for bringing jester-gooning to the main stream. Been a long time coming and we don’t take it for granted.
it’s kind of insane to see an NBA fight that doesn’t involve Isaiah Stewart, but somehow the Thunder and Wizards pulled it off. Impressive stuff, boys.
FOOTBALL: is there anyone more vindicated than Team USA flag football QB Darrell Doucette, who got shit on for saying he was better than Mahomes, only to dominate a team of NFL players this weekend? Flag football is the peak of human athleticism. An IM championship in that is more impressive than the Laker’s bubble title. Just saying.
PS - IShowSpeed could start on the Jets next week. And that’s a massive compliment.
It should come as a surprise to no one that this man has said CTE is not real and an excuse, as was asthma. Never change, Cam.
Colt’s Mascot Blue continues to be the most powerful horse in the mascot game. Well done, sir. That child absolutely had it coming.
He hates kids more than Chappel Roan. Hard to do.
A BOURBON NATION UNITED
What a week of games. Sure, I went 0-7 on my bets, got yelled at by my boss for watching on my computer all day, and still refuse to speak to my friend who’s a Duke fan. But that’s just part of the fun, isn’t it?
The good folks at Evan Williams Bourbon* (Game Day’s #1 Pour btw) have a nice saying: “Divided by the score. United by the pour.” I love that.
Let’s put our differences aside and focus on what actually matters: getting together, tossing a few back, and watching guys 10 years younger than us achieve success that we’ll never dream of.
*Evan Williams Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey. Bardstown, KY. 43-45% alc./Vol. 21+ Enjoy Responsibly
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
A top FEMA official has said he teleported to Waffle House, and was transported over 50 miles, saying ‘teleportation is no fun.’ Are you serious? That actually sounds incredibly fun. Why does cool shit like this never happen to me?
The “teleportation device” was just a couple 30 racks and bong rips with the lads
Chappel Roan in hot water after her security guard accosted Jude Law’s 11 year old daughter (and step-daughter of soccer player Jorginho) for the brutal crime of looking at her in pubic. I’m team Chappel. They should’ve done this to the child instead.
Chappel Roan’s security when a child breathes the same air as her
Gotta feel good for the lady who was put on anti-psychosis pills for saying a man lived in her loft, only for cops to learn she was 100% right. Can’t wait until this to happens with the dude who lives in my closet & only comes out after 4 servings of Benadryl.
The hat man is real and you can’t convince me otherwise
Who Was Today's Hump Day Hero?
FIRE PHONE FYREFEST
Editor’s Note: This segment is from our good friend at Read That Again, the Entrapranure newsletter, covering the biggest finance news of the week. ENJOY
Salutations, emotional eaters. Good news for people who love hideous hardware. The Amazon Fire Phone is set to make a comeback (not that kind).
For those who missed the greatest dumbphone of all time, the Fire Phone of 2014 was an international disaster on par with the invention of democracy (remember that?). Everyone’s mom bought one, and even she didn’t use it.
Now personally, I still use my Fire Phone daily, but not as a phone… (Yes to exactly what you just thought).
Amazon’s new “Transformer” phone (not the fighting car robot kind, duh) is rumored to be an AI powerhouse, but the rumor mill has very few details on its development or release yet, according to my housemaid/technical advisor.
Fortunately for you, I’ve just texted my richest nephew, Andy Jassy, to be included in the focus group for the new phone.
No clear answer if he got my text (sent from my Fire Phone). If he texts me back, I’ll text you back. Read That Again if you get it. (If you don’t, be that way).
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
BREAKING: Spanish Temptation Island continues to be the gift that keeps on giving. They need a Strava sponsor ASAP.
Read this on your lunch break: Against American Diner Gothic.
Unemployed Guys Roundtable is my kind of round table. Lot to learn here.
Shoutout to the Mormons who have become porn addict influencers. That’s a hell of a pivot and I’m here for it.
Not sure how Chris Barnes always moves this fast, but this was a banger.
Dorkapalooza: The Oral History of the Sloan Sports Conference is a great, long read for the afternoon.
It’s Monday. The Office deleted scenes that shouldn’t have been cut. Fantastic way to spend 25 ins.
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