The Daily Friday: Monday 3/24

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s everything you need to know to sound smart.

1. Pope Francis returns to the Vatican after 5 weeks in the hospital, makes first public appearance since being hospitalized following bronchitis. When is he gonna return to hooping? The court misses him 🙏🏻

2. Snow White bombs in opening weekend, pulling in just $43M (vs. $400M budget) after controversies around casting and lead actress’s comments. Not a good sign for the Lilo and Stitch remake. They better not miscast Lilo’s sister.

3. Opening weekend of March Madness wraps up, featuring the ballsiest game-winner I’ve seen, Danny Hurley being butt-hurt (shocker) and a perfectly functional scoreboard. Shoutout to this ref. Glue x10000.

4. 23andMe files for bankruptcy and CEO steps down amid concerns about data privacy. I am ready, willing and able to have my DNA bid on. Really hoping that this guy buys it all. I trust that he’ll do great things with it. 

5. Fitness influencer Ashton Hall’s morning routine has gone mega viral, becomes most viewed tweet ever. If you somehow have not seen it, watch it immediately. And then watch his Hudl highlights. Someone should sign him.

THE FINAL FOUR IS SET

After wild upsets, fierce arguments in the comments and hundreds of thousands of votes, we’ve finally reached the Final Four of the most hotly contested tournament in March: the Internet Icons bracket.

Voting continues today on the Friday Beers IG story but for now, LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

REGIONS WINNERS

Brainrot Era: #2 Hasbulla

The Rizzler has fallen.

Hasbulla has been underestimated since Day 1. Whether it’s from people like Mike Tyson (thought he was a child) or anyone foolish enough to stand in the way of their fist, this under-sized, yet fierce team thrives in the underdog position. After impressive wins over Hawk Tuah and The Rizzler, no one is underestimating Hasbulla now.

Vine Era: #4 Supa Hot Fire

The slipper still fits.

Employing their signature playing style (a smooth rhythmic pace that lulls team to sleep before employing kill-shot one-liners) Supa Hot Fire stunned experts with dominating performances over a woefully over-seeded #1 21 Kid and dark-horse favorite #3 Damn Daniel. Unless Soulja Boy walked through that door, SHF was not going to be beat.

The Golden Era: #1 Harambe

Was it ever in doubt?

Perhaps the most dominating performance of this tournament came from the #1 overall seed Harambe, who AVERAGED 81% voting in the opening rounds. This is a gorilla on a mission, ready to prove that his demise at the hands of a Cincinnati zookeeper was untimely and wrong. Anger is a weapon if one has the discipline to use it correctly.

OG Internet: #3 Charlie Bit My Finger

You’d be hard-pressed to find any pundits who predicted this team coming out of the region, but as Chris Berman says: that’s why we play the games. Or as they say in England, the homeland for this scrappy team, “Blimey, pip pop an’ bova innit scallywag slag beans and mash bloke love island gobsmacked.” Or something like that.

Throughout the tournament, CBMF leaned on their relentless style of play, taking a bite out of the opponents early and then refusing to let go, no matter how much it’s ‘still hurting.’ It worked with the finger of their older brother and it worked in this bracket.

SETTING THE LINES:

#3 Charlie Bit My Finger vs. #2 Hasbulla: Hasbulla, -58%

On the surface these two teams seem similar, with their undersized rosters full of international talent. The difference lies on their playing styles: while CBFM leans on the pick-and-roll with Charlie and his older brother (name unknown,) Hasbulla plays an NBA-style, heliocentric offense that relies heavily of the talents of their star.

Ultimately, while CBMF could keep it close with their seasoned roster of senior talent, Hasbulla can just beat you in too many ways (punching you, stealing your girl, stealing your car, etc.) Smart money’s on Hasbulla to cover the 58% spread.

#4 Supa Hot Fire vs. #1 Harambe: Harambe, -68%

All roads go through Harambe. While SHF has been the Cinderella story of the tournament, expect the clock to strike midnight when they run into this buzzsaw of a program. This gorilla’s thirst for revenge will not be satiated until he takes home a national championship. This could get ugly. Fast. Harambe by a billion.

SUN’S OUT, RUM’S OUT

It’s been a long winter, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We are knocking on the door of prime good weather season and I can feel it in my bones. Can you? 

When the sun finally starts to come out and the vibes start to turn up, nothing hits the spot quite like a Bacardi & Cola. The recipe is simple. Just 1.5 parts Bacardi Superior Rum, 3 parts cola, and a littleeee lime as garnish and you’re ready to rock. 

So what are you waiting for? Go find your perfect cocktail mix today. 

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Tiger hard launches new girlfriend Vanessa Trump, the ex-wife of Donald Trump Jr. and mother of Kai. The man is addicted to complicated sexual situations. Gotta respect it.

Justice for the constipated United passenger was arrested for clogging an airplane toilet after a pilot broke down the door because he was in the bathroom for 20 minutes. That’s not even constipation, that’s just an average session with some light scrolling.

Viral UGA sorority girl arrested for the second time in weeks, drops another perfect mugshot. I could fix her. But I don’t want to. True beauty lies in imperfection.

MONDAY MOVE

Real top tier move executed by Bobby last week. Thank god it was a late entry, otherwise no other move would’ve stood a chance in the Move Madness tournament.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• AFTV and Cool Guyz Online put out another banger.

• Read this on your lunch break: I Played ‘The Boys Are Back in Town’ on Jukebox Until I Got Kicked Out.

• Desperately need to visit the city of Chongqing. Seems like a dream tbh.

• This is actually a brilliant idea: a website where you can ‘gamble with your feelings’ and write a heartfelt email confessing your feelings to someone and there’s a one in a million chance it gets sent.

• 364 more days until the next Balloon World Cup. Training begins now.

• Ever wanted to scam people out of millions but just don’t have the time? Here’s how the world’s largest money laundering organization operates.