It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart.
NASA’s Artemis II launched planned for Weds, beginning a 10-day journey with 4 astronauts to the moon. This better be real and not some stunt marketing to keep Project Hail Mary #1 in the box. Feel like we really need this.
Tiger Woods arrested for DUI, his 4rd serious car accident since the 2009 fire hydrant that started it all (that thing came out of nowhere.) Can we get this guy a driver (or at least a 3-wood??) Rest up, king. You’re in good company.
Five Guy’s CEO says that he gave his staff a $1.5M bonus so he wouldn’t get shot in the back like the UnitedHealthcare boss. Ya know what, whatever it takes. I actually completely get it.
12 tons of Kit Kats were stolen in Europe, with concerns that a shortage will hit right before Easter. Really the perfect crime right there. No clue how you’re gonna get rid of that much Kit-Kat, but where there’s a will, there’s a way.
A wild ending in U-Conn vs. Duke game has the Final Four finalized for next weekend in Indianapolis. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.
CBB: U-Conn’s win yesterday was easily one of the most insane wins I’ve seen in my entire life. Dan Hurley is a confirmed psychopath for doing this.
If your buddy starts doing this at the bar, you immediately need to get him out of there
Tough look for Isaiah Evans’ having this Instagram handle after giving up the game winning shot. Gotta change that ASAP. Just like this Duke radio announcer needs to change careers.
It’s not all bad for Rick Pitino - even though the Johnnies lost to Duke, he still got a fat raise. Well deserved, sir. I hope you coach forever, like Mr. Izzo.
Respect to the air horn guy who stepped in after the buzzer stopped working in the Illinois-Iowa game. Glue guy move.
MLB: Ya know what, I’m starting to like this whole ABS challenge thing. There’s one thing we can all unit behind as baseball fans and that’s public humiliation of umpires.
Very cool to see a guy toss a no-hitter in his season debut, but you really can’t make it more than 6 innings??
NBA: Bronny and LeBron secure the first ever NBA father-son assist. Ok cool. Me and my dad secured the first ever father-son 142 (scramble, 9 holes) at the parent child this year but you don’t see me asking for credit.
HOCKEY: The FDNY vs. NYPD hockey game brings Heated Rivalry to an entirely new level. I fucking love this. Shoutout NYPD for bringing home the W.
Is there anything quite like public servants beating the living piss out of each other.
A BOURBON NATION UNITED
Another electric weekend of games. Sure, Duke completed destroyed my bracket for the 4th year in a row. I’m currently not talking to my U-Conn fan friends. But that’s just part of the fun, isn’t it?
The good folks at Evan Williams Bourbon* (Game Day’s #1 Pour btw) have a nice saying: “Divided by the score. United by the pour.” I love that.
Let’s put our differences aside and focus on what actually matters: getting together, tossing a few back, and watching guys 10 years younger than us achieve success that we’ll never dream of.
*Evan Williams Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey. Bardstown, KY. 43-45% alc./Vol. 21+ Enjoy Responsibly
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Kudos to the kangaroo that jumped over the fence at its petting zoo in Wisconsin and was on the run for 3 days, but that petting zoo needs to take a look in the mirror. You simply cannot have a jumpable fence as a kangaroo-having zoo. Just a fact of life.
BTW kangaroos are fucking jacked and can punch people. Why are they in a children’s petting zoo?? In Wisconsin???
Fuck the haters who said that this Miss Thailand candidate was dancing in an ‘inelegant’ manner. This is how you stand out with class and dignity. Respect.
girl has moves. you can’t teach that.
Man gets 6 years for breaking into a woman’s home and sucking her toes while she slept. We need the whole story. What if her toes were covered in jam or even a jelly, and he just trying clean those suckers off? Let’s hear everyone out.
Me sleeping peacefully knowing that the stranger sucking my toes is just cleaning them off from any jams, jellies or spreads that have found their way onto my body overnight
This video of a judge acting like a total dick to an IT guy is tough for me because I hate IT guys a ton (stop telling me to ‘submit a ticket’ or ‘stop watching porn at work’ you nerd) but I also despise authority and dudes in robes. Let me know what you guys think.
This is the only Judge i respect. she is actually like 100% my type. Not sure why she hasn’t been nominated for the Supreme Court yet but i’m sure it’s a political thing.
Who's Having the Best Monday?
BAD DAY TO OWN META
Editor’s Note: This segment is from our good friend at Read That Again, the Entrapranure newsletter, covering the biggest finance news of the week. ENJOY
Salutations, OnlyF*ns investors. It’s been a sad week for our American freedoms (being addicted to social media).
Meta’s legal team got brutally lawyermogged and legalmaxxed in two major lawsuits this week. First, a New Mexico jury found Meta failed to protect kids from creeps (like you) and ordered $375M in civil penalties.
Then, a CA jury sniped Meta and Google for designing addictive app features meant to trap children in the digital matrix, and got clocked with $4.2M in damages.
But what’s even worse than the infringement on our American rights, my medium-rich nephew Mark Zuckerborg’s personal net girth dropped $20B from the stock drop following the verdicts (been there).
Luckily, I had planted informants on both juries simultaneously and was therefore able to short Meta prior to the crash.
If Mark texts me real nice (with feet pics attached), I’ll be happy to share my earnings to bolster his wealth. Never tussle with your richest uncle in court, babe… But always remember to read that again.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Giving it about 6 weeks until the United economy lay-down beds are completely abused. Please do not have sex on these.
Read this on your lunch break: Against the Smartphone Theory of Everything.
Shoutout to this Oklahoma girl’s basketball team for doing the right thing during their state final “win,” but it’s very much giving the same energy as the early 2000s sportsmanship commercial. Have to fire that coach.
Pumped for the eventual 6 episode mini-series about the Fake Cartier and Fake Rockefellers who turned party crashing into a business (scam.)
Andre Agassi is a goddam genius and I won’t hear any opinion to the contrary.
CNN’s ‘Podcast Look’ and the slow death of cable news is a great read on the future of the news industry.
It’s Monday. It’s a short week. Let’s honor the OG short king Wayne Chrebet and make this short week a gritty one. Just keep moving the chains, boys.
How Friday Was Today's Post?
