The Daily Friday: Monday 3/31

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s everything you need to know to sound smart.

1. Men’s college hoops tournament reaches Final Four, as all four #1 seeds advance for the first time since 2008. I’m hammering Florida and not looking back. This kind of championship pedigree from their walk-ons can’t be beat.

2. Morgan Wallen walks off SNL stage abruptly after performing, heads to jet to return to ‘God’s country.’ Honestly, I get it. It’s a long flight to the Rainforest Cafe in the Great Lakes Crossing Mall - might as well get a head start.

3. Sydney Sweeney seen with Glenn Powell at wedding, just days after her engagement is called off. Save some for the rest of us, dude. You already got to shoot this scene with some of the hottest people alive. You’re being greedy.

4. Elon sells X to his own company xAI, for $33 billion. Must’ve been hell negotiating with himself like that. I do that every Friday night but the only thing at stake is whether I piss my pants in public or not. Can only imagine.

5. Stock market down to lowest levels since September as we approach ‘Liberation Day,’ when tariffs go into effect. Great day to have a negative net worth, own zero stocks and have no idea how any of that works. Feels good.

MLB: Yankees hit 15 home runs in first 3 games and spark controversy with new ‘Torpedo Bats.’ Might have to hire the Yankee bat scientist to develop technology for our company softball team. We need a spark offensively and are VERY comfortable working within the grey area of legality.

Pretty insane that Mookie Betts has lost 20 pounds over the past two weeks due to a mysterious illness (Ozempic?) but still managed to hit a walk off HR this weekend.

Anyone else craving some delicious athletic tape after seeing this Wilson Contreras clip or is that just my horny ass?

Opening weekend round-up: White Sox need a new tarp guy, this is an injury that would happen to me, and Rafael Devers is off to a historic start. Goddam is it good to be back.

NBA: It’s been a while since we had a good, old fashioned bench clearing brawl in the NBA. Stunned that Isaiah Stewart wasn’t involved in this one.

Jokic is insane. Probably won’t win MVP again, but he’ll definitely win shot of the year.

TRACK: A 13 year old Jamaican just ran a 10.6 second 100M dash, which is historically insane. He still couldn’t cover Baby Diggs, but impressive nonetheless.

COLLEGE HOCKEY: Frozen Four set, as Penn State advances for first time thanks to late OT goal, will join BU, Denver and Western Michigan. This is the real reason to play college hockey, NOT the girls.

NCAAWB: Maybe I’m a moron but did anyone else know that Hailey Van Lith was dating Jalen Suggs? More importantly - does anyone else care? Could be time to touch grass.

SOCO MIXES WITH EVERYTHING

Made from a one-of-a-kind blend of fruit and spices, Souther Comfort Whiskey is the ORIGINAL ready-for-anything spirit. Satisfying on its own or ideal in a mixed drink, SoCo is easy to enjoy however you drink it, and whoever you drink it with. 

When it comes to SoCo cocktails, find your comfort zone… you don’t have to be ‘fancy.’ Personally, I like to keep it simple with a SoCo Lemonade. Nothing hits the spot after a long week of working not-that-hard quite like mixing up a few of those SoCo Lem-Os, putting my feet up, and cruising right into the weekend.

No matter the moment, Southern Comfort is ready-for-anything: packed with flavor, mixes with anything, and easy to drink! We challenge all you out there to find your comfort zone – try out some Southern Comfort mix drinks and send us your favorites. We’ll include the best ones in the next newsletter 👀👀

*Southern Comfort, Spirit Whiskey with Natural Flavors and Caramel Color, 35% and 40% Alc/Vol, Sazerac Company, Louisville, KY

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

BIG weekend for piss videos, as the timeline was blessed with a turtle dumping out a massive pee-load on the course and a veteran pisser executing the classic ‘pretend to look at the menu while peeing under the bar’ move. Just clinical work.

Hooters will institute a ‘re-Hooterization’ to its restaurants, changing waitresses outfits to be more family-friendly and introducing fresher ingredients. At that point, why even call it Hooters anymore? That’s basically just a Sweetgreen.

Here’s a Mad-Libs-ass headline: Georgia bagpiper dies in Hawaii scuba accident days before missing son’s skeletal remains found in backyard treehouse. At no point during that sentence did I have any clue what the next word would be. Masterful.

350 pound teacher gets arrested after using a child as a stepping stool for a demonstration, as the kid ‘walked around like an 80 year old with back pain’ afterwards. Feels like some of the hijinks Peter Griffin would get into. Hilarious visual all around.

MONDAY MOVE

Really, really impressive round-up of baseball moves for Opening Day over at Could Be the Move. We are so back, people.

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STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Kyle Gordon has once again perfected the genre parody with this new metal song. Oddly mesmerizing and enchanting.

• Read this on your lunch break: The Biggest Loser: Behind the Scenes of the Man Who Has Millions Watch Him Lose Millions Live on the Internet.

• If anyone needs help confronting their roommates today, just follow this video from Will to a T. Absolutely no notes, can’t see how this fails.

• The Sims 25 Year Supremacy is being challenged by the new Korean game inZoi. As long as you can drown your entire family in your backyard pool, I’m in.

• Need to spice up your next pregame? Snag the Almost Friday card game and change your life forever (probably.) You’ll learn a lot about your buds at least.

• It’s Monday. If things gets a little stressful today, take a deep breath, click this link of a dude making log cabins and get to your happy place. You got this.