It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart.
LA Marathon won by Nathan Martin in closest race in history, as the HS cross country coach runs down Kenyan Michael Kamau in an insane finish. I haven’t been this impressed by a runner since the airplane bathroom 5ker.
Iran names Mojtaba Khameni to succeed his father as Supreme Leader (nepotism much?) as oil prices and death toll soar, with Leavitt floating the option of a US citizen military draft. That’ll go over well.
Tickets punched for men’s basketball tournament by 6 teams, including Long Island (shoutout to an elite student section) and High Point (this kid is a weapon) as we gear up for a big week of conference tournaments. Lock in.
Clump of human cells on a Petri dish has been trained to play DOOM, a first person shooting game. Couldn’t we have started with Words with Friends or something a little chiller?
World Baseball Classic remains electric, as the Emperor of Japan takes in his first game (and sushi race) in 60 years, Team Italy’s espresso machine fuels their hot start and this Brazilian just became the coolest kid in his HS.
PS - happy belated International LeBron saying “First of all, Happy International Woman’s Day” Day yesterday to all who celebrate.
ADULT MODE DELAYED
Editor’s Note: This is new weekly guest segment from our good friend at Read That Again, the Entrapranure newsletter, covering the biggest finance news of the week in a way that only they can. ENJOY.
Salutations, gooning fanatics. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but flags are at half-mast for incels everywhere today. OpenAI just delayed the release of “adult mode” (again).
Me at work trying not to cry because OpenAI has delayed the launch of adult mode
ChatGPT first promised us a new s*xy robot future back in October, the witching season, 2025. Now we’ll collectively edge our pre-nut delusion for a while longer (I’m not sure how long I can hold it).
We were supposed to receive our highly anticipated nonprofit AI girlfriends back in December. But here we are in March, still single and utterly unable to mingle with flirty bots on ChatGPT. It’s going to be a lonely, green St. Patty’s day (again). And now, we’ll have to wait even longer…
Fortunately for you, I’ve invented a solution. I call it “reverse AI job displacement.” Here’s how it works. Drive down the sketchiest street your city with a wad of cash. Roll down your window and ask every pedestrian if they are available to pleasure you. (Avoid secret police sting operations.)
Remember: s*x workers existed long before Sam Altman. But they will soon be replaced. Enjoy them while you can. And Read That Again on Tuesday mornings. For the few.
BET ON 11
We are so close to some real tournament action that I can finally taste it. I’m chomping at the bit to see a Cinderella team emerge this year. I’ve got my eye on the 11 seeds this year. There’s something about them that seems to hit every year (they’re literally 50% vs. 6 seeds the past 4 tourneys) but this tournament in particular matters even more. Why? Because you could walk away with $11k in your pocket.
The way it works is simple: all you need is a can of Voodoo Ranger’s 11% ABV G-Force IPA and a receipt.
Buy a G-Force, upload your receipt at BetOnEleven.com and you’re in. If an 11 seed wins in the tournament, you could win big. One lucky fan wins $11k, plus 1,100 fans win $5 to put towards another round.
*Must be 21+ No purchase necessary. Full rules on betoneleven.com.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
I don’t care what Chalamet says about the opera. The art form is alive and well in the most American place known to mankind: Florida used car dealerships. Legend.
I will not be purchasing a car unless it’s sold to me from an opera-singing salesman. A man’s gotta have a code.
This video of bodybuilder Nick Walker’s physique at this year’s Arnold Classic is cool and all but how do you live your actual life like this? How do you wipe?
at least his penis is massive
Indiana has just found itself a new high school basketball legend: Hunter Abner, a unit of a man who is money from three. Your favorite hooper’s favorite hooper
Me in my men’s league (I haven’t made a 3 in 7 months)
Not sure which was more electric last night: this Brazilian soccer fight that ended with 23 red cards and police intervention (!!) or the Sabres vs. Lightning games with over 100 mins of penalty time and 15 goals. Something was in the air. Here for it.
soccer is just way cooler when everyone is beating the shit out of each other. i’ve often said this
Who's Having the Best Monday?
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Ya know what, it’s on me for being surprised that Meta Smart Glasses are watching you while you’re in the bathroom and having sex. Should’ve known better.
Read this on your lunch break: “The Biggest Cover-Up of My Adult Life” - inside the CIA’s attempts to make Havana Syndrome disappear.
Let’s just say that Matthew Morrison remembers 9/11. All-time insane performance by the Glee gentleman.
This Ringer deep-dive on how YouTube became dominated by click-bait thumbnails and the overall Mr. Beastification of content was a great read.
McDonald’s CEO out-takes was an all-time performance from Will. Hopefully this will be recognized at the Oscar’s on Sunday.
Gosling could host SNL 5x a year and I wouldn’t be mad at all. Man is made for it.
It’s Monday. Offspring playing ‘Self-Esteem’ at Glastonbury in 1995. Just because.
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