It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart.
It’s 4/20 (shoutout to these teens), aka the perfect day to watch this video from Artemis II and fully appreciate the wonder of the universe. Let’s have one.
Strait of Hormuz remains closed, as Iran backtracks after originally declaring it open and the US attacks Iranian ships. Following this feels like Michael Scott getting a vasectomy. Lmk when you guys figure it out.
Coachella 2026 in the books after its second weekend, as the Biebs serenades Billie, Sabrina Carpenter brings on Madonna (she’s still got it) and the Strokes will probably never get invited back (worth it.)
Robot breaks the half-marathon record in China, as a bipedal humanoid named ‘Lightning’ clocks in at just over 50 minutes. Am I supposed to be impressed? A car or motorcycle could also beat the record. Not really the point.
Kash Patel files $250M defamation lawsuit against The Atlantic after a report outlining his excessive drinking and erratic behavior. If only we had video of him drinking and behaving erratically while on the job like 2 months ago.
NBA: I didn’t know the San Antonio had it in ‘em, but this was the most electric playoff atmosphere of the weekend (love the ‘Put on Your Shirt’ cam btw.) Make that court STINK of gasoline, Coyote.
Why is the Spurs mascot a Coyote?
This shouldn’t be breaking news but Scott Foster is a dickhead. Ban him for life (though kicking out Draymond in the play-in was hilarious.)
Honestly, how dare CJ McCollum kick Jalen Brunson square in the penis tip / full shaft region?? He’s lucky to be even remotely close to that high quality of a penis and he probably never will again in his life. Treat it with respect next time.
MLB: Don’t look now, but the Mets are officially 0-11 since Zohran hugged Mrs. Met on this fateful day. We all know the only way to break the curse. And Mr. Met is not going to be happy about it (Zohran’s gotta fuck Mrs. Met. Sorry I hate when people are vague.)
Heartwarming moment in the stands at Pittsburgh. Don’t even have a joke, this was just super cute.
Shoutout to umpire Andy Fletcher, who battled through the shits to finish his game and only had to stop the game 3x to go blow up the bathroom. Dealing with ABS and IBS at the same time takes a heroic man. Someone make him an umpire edit next.
I’m truly stunned that Taylor Trammel turned this into a triple after nailing the catcher in the head. He’s the fastest kid alive.
Just a nice photo I found online. Ain’t baseball great?
CFB: Thank god this Virginia Tech parachuter is ok after crashing into the scoreboard at the Spring Game. This is why we have a pre-season. Get the mistakes out of the way.
NHL: This is the only playoff recap you need from the weekend. Thank you, boys.
The city of Buffalo may burn to the ground if the Sabres keep up their Game 1 antics and win this series. And I’m here for it.
Just impressive flexibility for this gentleman.
SMELL LIKE FRIDAY NIGHT
BREAKING NEWS: Friday Beers has a soap. You heard it here first. We’ve officially teamed up with Dr. Squatch (joining the likes of Sydney Sweeney and Megan Fox nbd) and made a limited edition bricc called Friday Night. How fresh is that?
The scent is gonna blow your mind. Smooth mahogany and tobacco up front, bold whiskey notes underneath, finished with suede and spice. It’s the only soap that perfectly captures that Friday night smell (not Saturday morning, thankfully.)
To make it even better, we’re giving away some free shit. Namely, a weekend trip to Nashville for you and two friends. The prize includes round-trip flights for three, hotel for two nights, $500 cash, $500 to the Almost Friday Sporting Club, a curated Nashville itinerary, and $500 in Dr. Squatch products.*
Rally the fellas and go to drsquatch.com and grab the limited edition Friday Night bricc before it's gone. Single or 3-pack.
*Enter at drsquatch.com between April 15 and May 12. No purchase necessary.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Massive respect to this 28 year old gentleman who bought expensive LEGO sets, kept the pieces, and returned the boxes filled with dry pasta over 70 times. Pretty genius, tbh. Kinda hate that this is public and I can’t steal this idea now.
Everybody wins with this scam. Even the people buying the sets get some free pasta out of it too. You can’t put a price on that
We got ourselves an all-time brawl at Whataburger in Waco, Texas over the weekend. I’d honestly rather watch this than either of the Paul brothers fight.
“I love The Daily Friday more!” “Nooo I love the Daily Friday more!” - these ladies, probably
Shoutout to this broken shoe store sign that actually made me sit and think deeply: Are Feet Shoes? They’re not NOT shoes right?
Maybe I started 4/20 too early but when you think about it, feet are the shoes of the legs in a lot of ways.
Jealous of this couple who had a hot air balloon with 13 strangers on board emergency-land in their backyard. Feel like the start to a Roald Dahl novel and they’re are about to go on a whimsical adventure & escape the doldrums of reality. The dream.
Imagine having enough yard space for a hot air balloon to land in? That’s the real fantasy
Who's Having the Best Monday?
EMPLOYMENT DISRUPTION
Editor’s Note: This segment is from our good friend at Read That Again, the Entrapranure newsletter, covering the biggest finance news of the week. ENJOY
Salutations, useless stoners. While most of you are spending today blazed out of your minds, my first-ever (living) cyborg robot creation Mark Zuckerberg is on his way to disrupt another industry: employment.
The FacebookWhatsAppGram juggernaut known as Meta (I named it, what of it?) is about to streamline operations by cutting 10% of its global corporate teet-sucklers…
Around 8k employees are heading to the firing squad to be replaced by AI a month from today. Why? Two key reasons: 1. to bump the share price by 2% (it worked) and 2. to spend more on AI.
My poor nephew Zuck plans to spend around $135B in capital on turning his VR company into an AI company this year alone (aren’t we all?). It’s a good reminder that trends in technology are the only way to make wealth. Not being employed at tech companies.
Unless you were born poor. In which case, you’ll never be rich. Sorry.
Poor that again.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
If you’re 60+ and have 4 years of college football eligibility left, watch this. You still have plenty of time.
Read this on your lunch break: Redshift: Rehearsing for Humanity’s Future on Mars.
I mean, this has gotta be the greatest narration of all time. Had no idea Gavin felt this way about LeBron, but now I do too.
Been missing the boys lately. Might be time to start up some long-distance hide and go seek. Would be pretty sick.
I actually fully agree with this article - whose live was ever actually frictionless?
It’s Monday. Fuck it. 28 minutes of hopecore. Let’s get the week started hot.
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