It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart.
Trump rushed off stage after shots fired at Correspondent’s Dinner, interrupting the NBA playoffs broadcast but not this guy’s salad. A wild clip here of Trump responding to the shooter’s manifesto. Another day in the USA.
Marathon world record shattered by Sebastian Sawe, who runs first ever sub-2hr marathon and barely edges out Yomif Kejelcha, who also breaks 2 hrs. Might just have to cop this new Adidas shoe. The only thing standing between me and breaking the record myself (I’ve never run more than 3 miles in my life.)
Red Sox fire manager Alex Cora, who actually seems to be finally happy. Perfect quote here from what I have to assume is Dustin Pedroia. PS - in the future, maybe use a different bus company for this kind of stuff.
Audio leaked from Summer House reunion taping by a member of production team, a full MONTH before the reunion airs. Don’t think I can handle any more updates on this story. Monitoring this situation is a full time job.
Jokic fined $50k and Randle fined $35k for their fight at the end of Nuggets-Wolves Game 4 which inspired these fans in the stands. Love this but thank god the Jokic brothers weren’t around. Heads would have rolled.
Here’s some good news to start off your week: Jackass is back and just dropped a trailer for their Best and Last installment. Not nearly as exciting news as our 54th podcast episode releasing last Thursday, but still a very big deal. Congrats Jackass.
EMPLOYMENT DISRUPTION
Editor’s Note: This segment is from our good friend at Read That Again, the Entrapranure newsletter, covering the biggest finance news of the week. ENJOY.
these things are terrifying
Salutations, slave labor beneficiaries. Your penchant for collecting demonic keychains is about to catch up with you… because slavery is back in fashion.
Thanks to my custom textile-tracing AI-tech startup (more profitable than it sounds), I’ve ruined Labubu dolls for everyone. A new investigation of those terrifying keychain monsters found that some of them contain banned cotton that might’ve been picked by slaves…
Those trendy little freak muppets (my nickname in high school) have illegal cotton in them from the Xinjiang region of China (incredible vacation spot if you have an interest in hunting humans like I do).
It’s a region known for (probably) forced labor and persecuting the Uyghurs (I spelled that wrong at first).
And while I appreciate forced labor as much as the next trillionaire, I’m a patriot who would never break US law. Importing products from Xinjiang is illegal. Unless you bribe politicians to change laws. Then, fair.
Illegally import at your own risk. Read that. Again.
SMELL LIKE FRIDAY NIGHT
BREAKING NEWS: Friday Beers has a soap. You heard it here first. We’ve officially teamed up with Dr. Squatch (joining the likes of Sydney Sweeney and Megan Fox nbd) and made a limited edition bricc called Friday Night. How fresh is that?
The scent is gonna blow your mind. Smooth mahogany and tobacco up front, bold whiskey notes underneath, finished with suede and spice. It’s the only soap that perfectly captures that Friday night smell (not Saturday morning, thankfully.)
To make it even better, we’re giving away some free shit. Namely, a weekend trip to Nashville for you and two friends. The prize includes round-trip flights for three, hotel for two nights, $500 cash, $500 to the Almost Friday Sporting Club, a curated Nashville itinerary, and $500 in Dr. Squatch products.*
Rally the fellas and go to drsquatch.com and grab the limited edition Friday Night bricc before it's gone. Single or 3-pack.
*Enter at drsquatch.com between April 15 and May 12. No purchase necessary.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
I still can’t tell if this clip of Russell Brand on Piers Morgan trying to find his favorite Bible passage is genuine or a bit, but it’s still one of the best clips I’ve seen in years. Must watch stuff and I don’t say that lightly.
When Piers looks to the camera like Jim from the Office, I lost it
Shoutout to Topps for making a clean $3,551 off an autographed Helen Keller card. Who is paying for this? I’m not even sure she made a single All-Star game in her career.
I wonder how many tries this took her. This cannot be real
Congrats to the woman who is lucky enough to be having Clavicular’s child. The spawn of this union will undoubtedly save the world. I’d love to be godfather if possible.
So I actually think this is not real at all, which makes me happy. Sidenote - I was on a golf trip this weekend with a group of my friends, all in our 30s, and when I told them Clavicular was pregnant, half of them had no clue what I was talking about. This was a wake up call. I need to surround myself with more high caliber people.
Woman brings her husband as a hologram to hold his own Q&A at his funeral, something most attendees were unaware would be happening. That would be so goddam bizarre. Please don’t do this at my funeral. I’m taking my secret to the grave.
Respect to all participants in the 6th annual Seagull Shrieking Contest in Belgium, but you will still never hold a candle to Cooper, the 9 year old who goes by ‘Seagull Boy’ that who won the title in ‘24. He’s my top 2 Seagull Shriekers and he’s not 2.
The boy who cried Seagull
Who's Having the Best Monday?
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
One MILLION bees swarming out of an over-turned truck is a truly terrifying situation. Side-note- bees are absolutely the most romantic animal. To want to have sex with another bee so badly you’re willing to die for it? Kinda sweet tbh.
Read this on your lunch break: Bob Odendirk Would Like to Remind You That Life is a Meaningless Farce.
Here’s a rare home video find of Tiger Woods forcing the playoff with Rocco Mediate in the 2008 US Open with this putt. The internet rocks sometimes.
If you’re a fan of movies and pop culture, Sean Fennessey’s Substack is an excellent add to your inbox. This was a banger.
If LeBron James is going to keep doing shit like he did in Game 3, Dr. Locks is going to keep making top tier content about it. Another masterpiece.
The Rich and Powerful want to live forever. What if they could?
It’s Monday. Time for a little pick me up with a classic: When You Bring White Claws to the Pregame.
How Friday Was Today's Post?
