The Daily Friday: Monday 4/28

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s everything you need to know to sound smart.

1. 20th anniversary re-release of Revenge of the Sith crushes at the box office, outperforming every new release except for Sinners. I’m giving full credit to Padme for this one. We need more Natalie Portman re-releases (looking at you Black Swan, Heat, No Strings Attached and of course Your Highness.)

2. Savannah Bananas baseball team sells out 81,000 seat Clemson football stadium. Not totally sure how to feel about this one. On the one hand, it could mean the end of society. On the other, this ump’s cool as fuck. It’s complicated.

3. Meta’s AI ‘Digital Companions’ based on popular characters will sext and have dirty talk with users, even if they are minors. This is what happenes when you train bots with Impractical Jokers clips. Huge mistake.

4. Tough 48 hours for Paramount, after 60 Minutes calls them out for censorship at the end of their broadcast and Nathan Fielder does Nathan Fielder things to them. This feels like a plot-line from The Studio.

5. One debate has captured the internet this weekend: can 100 men beat off 1 gorilla until they cum to death? LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

100 MEN VS. 1 GORILLA

If you have a cell-phone, you’ve most likely seen this debate circulating Al Gore’s web: could 100 men beat 1 gorilla in hand to hand combat? LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

The Case for the Gorilla:

• Gorillas are absolutely fucking jacked. Like they are killing machines with unbelievable stamina. There is no way that you could penetrate their skin or break their bones without the use of weapons or modern tools.

• Fear. If you see 55 guys get killed before you, are you really going to keep fighting? What are you even doing this for in the first place - to prove someone on Twitter right? People have died for less.

The Case for 100 Men:

• This will hinge entirely on who is in the squad. This crew might stand a chance.

• The power of team-work and friendship can not be discounted. Humans are the top of the food chain because we can strategize and plan.

• 100 guys is like, so many guys. It’s really given me a newfound appreciation for Lily Phillips. If we’re willing to lose some lives, we’ll outlast the gorilla.

My Verdict: 100 Men.

We need to stop thinking of this as war based on physical strength and tap into the thing that humans do best: shame, humiliate, and alienate undesirables. And by undesirables, I mean micro-penis havers.

Gorillas have, what I would consider to be slightly below average sized schlongs: 1.1 inches long. In my experience, all you have to do is pants the gorilla (easy enough since most go commando) in front of the entire locker room, point and laugh at him until he pisses himself, and then wait for him to transfer middle schools. Honestly, I could probably pull this off myself without having to get 99 other people getting involved. Seems like it would be a nightmare coordinating schedules, rides, Venmo requests for hospital bills, etc. You’re welcome, humanity.

(My actual answer is gorillas. We don’t stand a chance, plus every guy would be thinking about Harambe and unable to actually kill the gorilla. That gorillas gonna look like this.)

NBA: Nuggets even the series thanks to absolutely absurd buzzer-beater dunk by Aaron Gordon. What an absolute travesty that they let that stand.

Knicks take 3-1 series lead over the Pistons thanks to excellent officiating that was completely without flaw. If they don’t call a foul, it’s not a foul. Knicks rule #knicksrule

RIP to Dame Lillard’s Achilles and the Buck’s playoff hopes. Sorry to the good people of Milwaukee, but it’s time to start counting down the days until Giannis leaves.

NFL: Shedeur Sanders finally gets drafted in the fifth round by the Browns, who now have the dream QB room/blunt rotation. Every crew should be built like this.

Jax Ulbrich, son of Falcon’s DC Jeff Ulbrich, admits that he was responsible for the prank phone call to Shedeur convincing him that he was drafted earlier than he was. This is an incredible thing to think about.

BASEBALL: Shout-out to Tommy Pham, who was suspended and fined for making the classic single-handed hog crank gesture to a fan who was taunting him. He absolutely knew this would happen, but did it anyways. That’s courage.

Just a good, old-fashioned walk-off Little League HR for Helliot Ramos and the SF Giants. Baseball is a beautiful game.

Great googly moogly. He caught this smooth-ely.

NHL: Wild ending in Oilers-Kings, as Edmonton ties the game in the final seconds before winning in OT. This is what playoff hockey’s all about.

This hit by Tom Wilson will make you jump out of your seat and go “HOLY FUCK!!!!! GOOD LORD ALMIGHTY! Have mercy Thomas, that’s someone’s son!” Now that I told you that you’d react like that, you probably won’t but still. Big hit.

NCAAF: This Bill Belichick interview clip with his 24 year old gf was completely insane. I’ll admit that. But was anyone else a little jealous of their relationship? It’d be kinda nice to just sit back and be told what to do.

DEMOLISH THE DAILY GRIND

Very pumped to be working with the good folks at Death Wish today, who have been brewing big things since 2012 and just launched their brand new line of Cold Brew Lattes. 

Personally, I can’t get enough of these suckers. Not only are they delicious and get me going in the morning (someone’s gotta write this newsletter at the ass-crack of dawn) but they’re also incredibly convenient. I don’t have to sit around and wait for my coffee to brew or put it in a to-go cup and try to drink it on my commute without spilling on my chinos. You just snag one from the fridge, crack it and you’re good to go. 

Try a Death Wish Latte today (big fan of the Original flavor) at Walmart, Five Below, Amazon or by hammering that link below. 

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Send this video of Domenic Stellato winning the 100M dash at the Penn Relays at the age of 82 to your 4th grade teacher Ms. Smith and remind her that age is just a number. You two can finally be together, after all these years.

Let this lion be a lesson to all crypto-influencers and rich guys in Miami: it’s ok to be balding. You don’t have to go Turkey or buy a Cybertruck to make yourself feel like man.

Love this Australian dude who repeatedly sneaks into a stranger’s home and doesn’t steal anything or cause damage, but simply goes for a swim in their pool. Wholesome.

MONDAY MOVE

Congratulations to the winner of this year’s Move Madness, who was bless with a glorious video tribute by Bobby. This should be the industry standard for all restaurants moving forward. The chefs deserve it.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Folks, just a reminder we are passing our last Sketchers for a while. Make sure you speak up if you want to swing by for some sneakers or even burgers and truckers. Thank you kindly.

• Read this on your lunch break: The Group Chats the Changed America.

• Shoutout to the first ever participant on America’s Got Talent, a pro finger-snapper named Bobby Badfinger. One of the most electric performers ever.

• Can’t believe I missed the Pope Draft over the weekend. Hopefully there’s still time to fill out my Pope bracket before Conclave.

• The Long Strange Trip of the world’s best LSD is a good read.