It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart.
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander wins his 2nd MVP, becomes the 14th player to win back to back awards (thanks for breaking this 2 hours early Shams, really helpful.) Someone check on Mr. Who’s Next. He’s not doing ok.
Long Island Railroad strike continues into Day 3, affecting over 250,000 commuters trying to make it into NYC. Kind of the perfect excuse to work from bed today. Keep it going, boys. Might be just what the Knicks need.
Aaron Rai wins the PGA Championship after drilling a 68 foot putt on 17 and outlasting 22 players that sat within 4 strokes heading into Sunday. Gotta respect a guy who wears 2 gloves and rocks iron covers. Elite moves.
Jury deliberation begins in OpenAI suit between Sam Altman and Elon in a trial that’s had references to saving humanity, a tough text leak & a ketamine ban. Really hope Elon gets his $150B. No one needs it more than him.
Spotify will change logo back after users freaked the fuck out over the new disco-balled themed design for its 20th anniversary. When did we as a society lose our whimsy? I thought we were just whining about brands being boring?
NEW BUFFET JUST DROPPED
Editor’s Note: This segment is from our good friend at Read That Again, the Entrapranure newsletter, covering the biggest finance news of the week. ENJOY.
Salutations, sloppy seconds receivers. While your uncles had the foresight and historical timing to maximize their net girth on the hardworking back of The Oracle himself, you will have to make your nut (not that kind) via his replacement.
New Berkshire Hathaway CEO Greg Abel has begun his new role with a Q1 shakeup of the BH (not that kind) portfolio. Meanwhile, my nephew, Mr. Buffett is busy living the retired life, eating his cheeseburger in paradise, if you will (you won’t, don’t worry).
The fix is in: 2nd cousin Greg (my nephew’s nephew) disclosed a new $2.65B investment in Delta, an extra steak/stake in Macy’s, and sold Amazon (future proof), Visa, and MasterBaterCard. I also advised him to triple his stake in Alphabet (Google) because letters are underrated (write that up, not in letters).
While the net girthy cash out from the days of The Oracle, only the rarest of fish investors (must be immune to herpes) are diversifying through Berkshire equities, oil and Croc shoes futures, and train pasts (I don’t know what futures are, but I assume pasts are the opposite).
Few will learn horoscopes to become Oracled all over themselves (I’ll teach you). That again. Read.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
John Travolta has officially transcended fashion and developed an extremely powerful new look that needs to be acknowledged. I can’t wait to be 72 and just do whatever the hell I want like him. Fuck it, I might start rocking the Kangol myself. Why wait?
LL Cool J(ohn Travolta.) Can’t wait for the R&B album to drop
Nothing has brought me joy this baseball season quite like watching the rise of the Tarps Off movement started by a crew of shirtless college club baseball players from Stephen F. Austin. People respond to passion, no matter your cause. Salute, boys.
This is what it’s all about. The Cardinals may never lose another game
A 14 year old boy in Sweden stole and joy-rode a bus for the 3rd time in the last 6 months. Let’s just hire this kid as a bus-driver and call it a day. Let him do what he loves.
I WILL TURN THIS DAMN BUS AROUND
Australia needs to re-evaluate their justice system after a judge dismissed a case by a worker who sought damages after he was told to cover his ‘plumber’s crack’ at work. People pay good money to see that kind of skin. He should be celebrated, not shamed.
Your Honor, my client simply has a big, stinking, dump truck ass that makes finding well-fitting pants a challenge. While it was not his intent to let the crack out to play, many patrons were actually over-joyed at the sight. I wouldn’t be surprised if it lead to an increase in sales.
Who's Having the Worst Monday?
NEW JAMES BOND
Auditions for the new James Bond have officially begun at Amazon MGM studios. Let’s break down some of the top contenders and pitch a few of our own, shall we?
It should be Michael Scarn after his iconic performance in Threat Level Midnight, but Hollywood doesn’t have the balls.
Jacob Elordi: sure he’s hot and all, but he’s like 6’6. Gotta be way too tall for a spy, right? This man should be hoopin’, not spyin’.
Jeff Bezos: What’s the point of owning a studio if you can’t cast yourself and your girlfriend as the new James Bond and Bond Girl? What was all of it for?
Callum Turner: if he can pull Dua Lipa while looking like a rat, he can do anything.
Paul Skenes: if Shohei can pitch and hit, Skenes can pitch and act. Honestly, taking off a few months to shoot a blockbuster action franchise might actually save his arm long-term. It’s the responsible thing to do. Plus Livvy Dunne as Bond Girl would be dope.
Theo James: he looks like what AI would spit out if you asked it to make James Bond. He’s fine, but this car commercial he did pisses me off to no end. It’s on constantly, it makes no sense, and it’s very clearly green-screened, which feels sloppy and unnecessary. Wouldn’t tune in to the entire Bond series just because of that.
John Travolta: I mean, did you guys see the fit from the previous section? If that doesn’t scream international world spy and heart-throb, idk what will.
Sly Cooper, Thievius Racoonus: no one’s better at catching criminals than a master criminal.
Patrick Mahomes: I just wanna see him try to be suave with his Kermit the Frog voice.
I enjoyed this entire exercise. Letting guys pick the next James Bond is just a way for them to list actors that they think are hot without shame.
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Savannah Guthrie hosting the new Worlde show is a perfect fit but also could be the most convoluted promo campaign of alll time.
Read this on your lunch break: Is the Modern NBA Breaking Its Stars? An explanation for the rise in leg injuries over the past few years.
Thank you to the Unpaid Interns for this highly relatable pantsing sketch.
Should come as a surprise to no one, but your feed has become one long, targeted stealth marketing campaign. Everything is fake now.
How the nerd-bully Bill Gates built the modern tech world. Great read. (Break paywall here.)
One man had the courage to take on 14 of his girlfriend’s friends. This is his tale.
The Banal Horror of Jimmy Fallon’s culture-less world is another great deep-dive to take you into the better part of the afternoon.
How Friday Was Today's Post?
