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It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart.
Golden Tempo wins the Kentucky Derby as a 23-1 long shot, as Cherie DeVaux becomes the first female trainer to win in history. Anyone else hammer Great White only to watch it commit horse suicide pre-race? Life is pain.
GameStop offers to buy eBay for $55.5 billion in an unsolicited offer of a company 4x its size, hopes to rival Amazon. I’m not a math guy, but it seems like the GameStop CEO has less clue how this is gonna work that I do.
NBA playoffs continues to 2nd round, as Philly tries to extend Cinderella run (hop off Twitch, Jaylen) and LeBron needs to make sure this kid is at every game. Meanwhile, in the NHL, McDavid goes home with no Cup and the Sabres-Canadiens matchup may burn North America to the ground. Hell yeah.
Met Gala is tonight and will feature a ‘Costume Art’ them and Beyonce’s first appearance in a decade. Yearly reminder that Jason DeRulo did NOT fall down the stairs but he DID have his penis CGI’d out of the Cats movie. Just FYI.
US will release UFO files ‘very, very soon’ and will feature interviews with people who have ‘seen things you wouldn’t believe,’ according to Trump. Just in time for your older coworker’s favorite Star Wars meme day. Interesting.
FINAL REMINDER: for all our LA readers, Almost Friday TV will be performing live tomorrow night as part of Netflix is a Joke festival. Get your tickets here. LFG.
SPIRIT HALLOWEEN AIRLINES
Editor’s Note: This segment is from our good friend at Read That Again, the Entrapranure newsletter, covering the biggest finance news of the week. ENJOY.
The only thing worse than Spirit Airlines is a world with no Spirit Airlines
Salutations, economy fare passengers. The only airline your poor net girth could afford is ending its streak of being the worst… by shutting down completely.
In yet another obvious reason why you need to be wealthmaxxing daily until you can afford your own private jet, Spirit Airlines is going out of business. Meaning you will never be able to fly again unless your NFT holdings recover.
It’s a clear case of “laissez-faire socialism” playing out in real time. Spirit broke on the scene 34 years ago and challenged the established air elite by pricing tickets for the common man… only to have its economic flame snuffed out due solely to its own poor performance in the market.
(Plus an overreaching government intervention denying its right to merge with JetBlue. And a denied government bailout at the final hour.) Our Founding Uncles Fathers would be proud (would also say, “What is an airplane?”)
The message from the gods of capitalism is clear: poor people were never supposed to fly.
Fly that Again. That.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Just gonna keep it simple here: the Beer Skates at the Carolina Hurricanes game are an incredible feat of engineering in the promotional novelty cup game. Canes in 4.
So simple, yet so beautiful. I need a hundred of these
I have yet to meet a more appropriately named zoo animal than Chonkers, that MASSIVE sea lion who is drawing crowds in San Francisco. In the age of Ozempic, it’s nice to see someone lean into their authentic selves like this. Respect.
This is a goddam unit right here
The Scientology Speed Runs have rapidly increased in production value, to the point that we have full blown Minion crews demanding to meet Tom Cruise and 20+ dwarves attempting to raid HQ. They never should have taken off the doors like this.
The grip that Minions has on brain-rot Gen Z culture needs to be studied
Damn, I really have no excuse for not hitting the gym if these 91 year old Taiwanese grandmas can do it. It’s time to initiate the Jacked by Late June workout regime before it slips away for the 11th year in a row.
Lady is MOVING weight. I’ve skipped leg day for the past 19 years and she rips it every day. I gotta fix my shit man
Colossal Biosciences is working to bring back the blue-buck antelope, a species that has been extinct since the 1800s. While they’re at it, can they also bring back the original Four Loko and widespread steroids in baseball? Only if it’s convenient.
My prediction: we bring these guys back just for them to immediately go extinct again.
Who's Having the Best Monday?
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STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Pretty fired up to live in a world where the Sperm Racing World Cup is 1) an event that exists and 2) an event you can actively bet on. 2026 rocks.
Read this on your lunch break: The Kirkification of Our Troubled Times.
Sahib Singh is on a generational run. The man just does not miss.
What Does Tucker Carlson really believe? A question we’d all like to know.
This should come as a surprise to no one, but Bees absolutely rock to levels that we didn’t previously realize.
In honor of the passing of iconic Yankees radio announcer John Sterling, here are his best home run calls of all time. THUUUUGHH YANKEES WIN.
The fake screenshot economy has exploded online to the point where everything is Poocrave now. I kinda love it, tbh.
It’s Monday. Let’s start the week off on the right foot. John Daly playing guitar and singing “Knocking on Heaven’s Door.” My man.
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