The Daily Friday: Monday 6/16

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s everything you need to know to sound smart.

Pretty intense weekend of news across the board. Here’s a fun fact to shift the mood: Pope Leo XIV reportedly is a distant relative of Madonna. One of the few Nepo babies I’m actually ok with.

US OPEN: Wyndham Clark may be banned after trashing a golf locker post-round. Look Wyndy, I’ve banned from every mini-golf course within 90 miles for similar behavior and I’m clearly doing incredibly well with zero issues. Don’t blame yourself.

MLB: Red Sox trade DH Rafael Devers to the Giants in massive deal that was so lopsided it felt like a Tik-Tok prank. Nico Harrison is finally off the hook.

The league is reportedly using new baseballs that cause hits to not travel as far. Now why in the hell would you do something like that? We should be juicing the balls, players and bats, plus letting them all do ketamine. Just cuz it’s be kinda fun.

Relatable: kid gets whacked by his sister right in the kid penis. Feels like some shit that Megan from Drake and Josh would do.

BASKETBALL: Grizzlies trade Desmond Bane to the Magic for 4 first round picks, Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, Cole Anthony and a pick swap. The price for Giannis is about to be double digit first rounders and Prima Nocta on an owner’s wife now.

Things got HEATED in the Big 3 this weekend, as Lance Stephenson get into it and coach Stephen Jackson lost his goddam mind on the court and in the locker room. I’m into it.

Everyone lay off Stephen A for playing solitaire in the middle of the NBA Finals. He had an incredible hand. Can’t expect him to just quit with 4 Aces on the board.

UFC: Kinda love this move by Bellato, who faked being knocked out to try and get a DQ win on Saturday. Pulled that many a time as a child when I was getting my ass kicked by older cousins. Almost as effective as the ‘time-out..time back in’ move.

Do you feel that? That sun on your face? That whisper in the wind? That rumbling in your gut that tells you that tonight just might be the best night of your life? 

That feeling is called summer. More specifically, a Long Drink Summer. It’s the greatest feeling in the world and it can only be experienced by doing one thing: sipping on Long Drinks until the sun goes down. 

Here’s some quick stats for all you math people out there. This sucker has 0 Sugar. 0 Carbs. 99 calories. 100% chance of having an all-time night without feeling like an all-time bag of shit for what you put into your body. Does it get any better than that? 

So what are you waiting for?

A very happy Father’s Day is in order for this 134 year old tortoise, who became a father for the first time. Dude is older than the state of Utah and still shooting thick ropes. Tortoise Viagra is stronger than crack.

Bonnie Blue banned from OnlyFans after her ‘human petting zoo’ stunt drew outcry from other creators. This is like when the NCAA banned dunking because of Kareem: she has simply dominated to a level that the rules need to be changed. Respect.

Massive respect to this dude who faked being a flight attendant for 6 years and got over 120 free flights before getting caught. Not a lawyer, but if he worked a full shift and passed out snacks and ginger-ales, he should at least get a reduced sentence.

Tourist sits on and shatters a ‘Van Gogh chair’ made of thousands of Swarovski crystals at an Italian museum. Dude is an absolute Unit. New fitness goal is to get so burly I can shatter a priceless work of art.

Security cameras catch man walking into shoe store, pulling down his pants, taking a massive shit, and walking out without wiping. The surveillance state has gotten out of control. What a man does in the privacy of a public shoe store is no one’s business.

The human body craves the simple act of sharpening a pencil with a pocket knife. It’s instinctive. Universal. Timeless. This is what we were born to do.

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