It’s another week in paradise. Here’s everything you need to know to sound smart.
US strikes Iran on Saturday, in maneuver involving a 36-hour stealth B-2 flight from Missouri to Iran. Can’t believe the pilots went that long without iPad time. This also blew my mind. Please wait until after Casa Amor to tell them.
Thunder win first NBA title in franchise history, as Tyrese Haliburton’s dad’s son tears his Achilles in the first quarter. Respect to Hartenstein’s baby: always gotta get your sleep in when you can.
Elio flops in its weekend debut, has the lowest opening for a Pixar original film in the studio’s history. That’s because we’re all busy watching Bride Hard.
Heat wave hits the eastern half of the US, with a ‘heat dome’ leading to extreme weather warnings in 28 major cities for the remainder of the week. What a perfect time to suck down some of our delicious light lagers.
FedEx founder Fred Smith passes away, after an incredible life that led to an NFL head coach son and an empire built off of winning a blackjack hand with the last $5k left in his company’s account. Royce Dupont behavior.
PS: shoutout to the Empty Netters boys for this iconic shirt placement during the Panther’s Stanley Cup victory parade. That’s why you do it. Get yours today.
STEP SON GOALS
Big week for love, as Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez prepare for their 3-day wedding extravaganza in Venice, Italy that kicks off tomorrow. The budget is over $20M, the guest list is the only people that will survive the apocalypse (Zuck might get another glimpse of those warlocks) and the wedding band will play strictly ‘80s Joel.
I moved recently so I’m pretty sure my Save-the-Date got lost in the mail, but it’s all good. I’m super busy at work and it’s actually All-You-Can-Eat Prime Rib night at my favorite sports bar on Weds, so don’t think I can swing it anyways.
While it’s always beautiful to see billionaire ghouls come together and find love, the biggest winner of the weekend is Evan Sanchez, the son of Lauren, who may be the luckiest 19 year old in the world (closely followed by Nikola Topic.)
Foam party on your step-dad’s yacht is my dream.
Look, getting a new step-parent can be tough but at least now Evan has the richest man alive trying to get him to like him. Plus, Bezos is probably already super-intimidated by Evan’s real dad (former NFL tighter end Tony Gonzalez. Yes, I’m serious) so he’ll do ANYTHING to buy his love.
Evan’s already off to a great start. Yesterday, he convinced step-dad Jeff to throw him a foam party on their yacht for his 19th birthday. Anyone who’s been to college in the mid 2010s knows that foam parties are incredible. There is no better place to get a skin disease and “accidentally” do hand stuff with your buddy Mike because you “thought he was a chick dude, relax.” And doing it on a yacht in Italy? The dream.
My advice: keep leaving Bezos some breadcrumbs of approval, but never let him you know you respect him. Two Christmases is sick already, but when one Santa Claus runs Amazon? You’re gonna be drowning in PS5s. Congrats.
NBA: KD traded to the Houston Rockets for Jalen Green, Dillon Brooks and draft picks, achieves life-long dream of completing the NBA rainbow challenge.
Pride Month marketing is getting out of control
MLB: Nothing gets me fired up quite like a double safe call. Hell yeah.
This may have been one of the most confusing plays of my life. Had zero clue where this would end up. Kind of get where Castellanos is coming from now.
UFC: Jon Jones officially announces his retirement after one of the most insane arrest transcripts of all time. Drunkenly running away from a car accident with a half naked woman in the passenger seat? CBTM.
GOLF: Keegan Bradley storms back, takes Traveller’s Championship from Tommy Fleetwood. Make him the first Ryder Cup playing captain since Arnie. We need these kind of vibes.
FANATICS FEST: Never related to anything more than this guy who met Livvy Dunne and immediately spilled his drink all over her. Always leave your mark.
That’s how you make sure she remembers you forever, boys. Kind of a sick move tbh.
MONDAY MOVE: RELAUNCHING THE CBTM PODCAST
We are so back. After a bit of a hiatus, the Could Be the Move Podcast is back in full strength. Check out the Bobby breaking down some moves during the first episode of the new era: “Calf Raises While Peeing.” Top tier content.
Support the squad by rating, reviewing, subscribing, listening, downloading and all that jazz. Appreciate it 🤝🤝🤝
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
A 7-11 in Japan will sell the country’s longest roll of toilet paper that is 7.11x longer than a normal roll. Really complicate the toiler paper math even more than before.
Japan got some real shitters huh? Respect
MONDAY MOTIVATION: a 22 year old arrested posed as a dentist, made $185k, and conducted multiple root canals using online tutorials. You can just do things ❤
All dentists are scam artists anyways. This is no different.
A high school in wealthy Long Island suburb with a graduating class of 500 has 15 sets of twins!!! Bonkers. There’s gotta be something in the water. Or just a fuckload of IVF.
Twins scare the absolute shit out of me. This school district would be terrifying to work in as a teacher, plus imagine having to keep all those twins straight? Nightmare.
Orlando Bloom reportedly blew up at his wife Katy Perry after the space stunt, calling it ‘cringeworthy’ and ‘embarrassing.’ He definitely saw the memes.
A space trip so bad it ends up ending your marriage is kind of iconic, tbh. I’m now pro-Blue Origin.
Who's Having the Worst Monday
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Loved how perfectly Billy captured buying something off of Facebook marketplace. Banger.
Read this on your lunch break: The Pentagon Disinformation that Fueled the America’s UFO Mythology. WILD story.
This should come as a surprise to no one, but an MIT study shows that ChatGPT actively makes you dumber. Yayyyyy.
How it Feels to Rev Your Car in a Residential Neighborhood. Another home run from Sahib Singh as always.
This chart showing the differences in movie ratings between men and women might need an entire deep-dive. Lot to unpack.
With the NBA and NHL finals wrapping up, there is now a gigantic hole in our lives that the WNBA and world massage championships simply cannot fill. Here’s what to watch.
It’s Monday. If Rick Winters can pull off a 172 foot dive in 1983, you can make it through the week in one piece. We are so close to 4th of July, I can taste it.
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