It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart.
World Cup elimination stage starts today with a full slate of matchups (PS - this is how brackets should look for every tournament.) Smart money is on Argentina getting bounced early. I’m sure Messi wants to get back home and take in this glorious statue of himself riding the trophy cowgirl in person.
Stevie Nicks is expected to perform at Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce’s wedding, which seems increasingly likely to occur at MSG this weekend. Anyone who’s looked into having their wedding in NYC knows that this budget actually isn’t that unreasonable. Good for them for being so frugal.
Wimbledon begins today, as top seed Jannik Sinner looks to defend his title and a wide-open women’s field features Serena Williams making her return after 4 years. I sometimes forget how insane this lady was in her prime. That’s like Joey Chestnut and Pablo Sanchez type dominance. One more ride.
Supreme Court nears end of its term and will issue rulings today on cases around citizenship, presidential powers and mail-in voting. Can’t believe this is what they’re addressing when they’ve still never issued a ruling on whether Air Bud should have been allowed to play or not. Democracy has died.
Mel Brooks turns 100 years old, joins Dick Van Dyke & David Attenborough in the elite crew of actors who continue working even after they turn 100. Someone write a magic realism book about them, call it A Hundreds Years of Solid Dudes, and teach it in AP Lit. That’ll get the next generation reading.
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SAKS ME UP
Editor’s Note: This segment is from our good friend at Read That Again, the Entrapranure newsletter, covering the biggest finance news of the week. ENJOY.
RIP to one of the good ones
Salutations, luxury brand ignorers. The clearest sign of economic recession is upon us. Another luxury goods retailer, Saks Global, has finally exited bankruptcy.
(Historically, middle-class shoppers desperately begin buying luxury brands as unemployment rises. I made that up.)
Listen to this with your remaining ears: As a high net girth achiever, I’ve successfully assisted thousands of companies in entering and exiting bankruptcy. And several things are always true…
1. Leave any semblance of brand equity behind (it’s the only asset you have) and 2. Reduce the size of the business (for growth).
Saks Global will now operate as Exemplar Luxury Group as a helpful step to solidify its rock bottom and reduce any dependency on the billions of dollars it had previously invested in brand awareness. And with fewer stores open, growth and profits are surely on their way, even in a recession (trust me).
Always find rock bottom when exiting bankruptcy. Challenges make the strong stronger.
Saks me up, debt collectors.
WHAT ELSE IS GOOD
Props are due to the Mexican Batman vigilante who has been hunting down motorcycle thieves and tying them up with duct tape. Now all that’s left to go full Batman is invent the surveillance state and break his “one rule” constantly.
This goes so hard.
Absolutely disgusted Noah Kahan used his platform at a concert to shame fans for shitting their pants. I will shit myself whenever and wherever I please, sir. You worry about the music, I worry about explaining this to the nice lady sitting behind me.
“And I love Vermont, but it’s the season of the piss”
Japan continues to train-mog the US, introduces a new luxury bullet train that will let passengers take bathes while passing through the countryside. This is the only way to convince true train-lovers to take a bath and I think that’s actually fine.
Genuinely the height of luxury and engineering. Japan does it right
You’re not gonna find a guy hornier than Phil Mickelson, who reportedly would pay a kid at the pro shop $500 to drive around the course so his wife would think he was playing golf (she had his phone location) while he would cheat on her. Big brain thinking.
Behaving so egregiously that you get banned from multiple private golf clubs when you’re a Masters champion is actually so difficult that you have to be impressed
Well, the city of New York made it about 2 weeks between winning a championship and having a humiliating sports moment thanks to this Mets mascot performance. Honestly, might be the longest streak we’ve had in about 20 years. Well done.
Just a perfect video
Absolutely stealing this move from someone’s dad, who has started ending phone calls with ‘stay dangerous’ instead of ‘goodbye,’ and incorporating it into my arsenal.
Stay dangerous, my friends
Who's Having the Best Monday?
STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY
Finally, a publication that covers the important topics: the rise in Minionese and how you can speak the banana language.
Read this on your lunch break: There is No Hard Problem of Consciousness.
Just some good, ol’ fashioned synchronized swimming from the greatest to ever do it. Truly a baffling and astounding video (complimentary.)
A diehard drinker accidentally quits drinking is a great long form but a horrible message. Never stop drinking. Ever. No matter what. (Break paywall here.)
The ending to this clip from Jackass is one of the greatest things of all time, but I also love them howling ‘he fell for it!!’ as if you’re a complete moron for not thinking this would happen to you.
If a dog has no morals, how do you teach it to be good? Honestly, something I never fully thought about.
Absolutely incredible work here from Nathan Hare calling the bar to tell them he got hungover from drinking their beers.
It’s Monday. Let’s slide into the short week with 4 minutes straight of Chris Farley making people break on SNL. It’s a good week to have a week.
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